Cole's first fishin' trip!

Cole finally got to go fishing! I finally had an entire weekend off, the weather was nice, and we were both in good health so we headed out to Lake Pflugerville to spend the day with Vetmommy's family. Mr. Vetmommy taught us both how to fish and we had a good time. Cole actually caught a handful of fish. His favorite part? Letting them go of course! We also swam for awhile in the nice cool lake and had a fun "sea weed" fight with the kids. Here are some fishing photos. Notice the enormous size of those fish!

Science Fair

I had my first night of class tonight. I rushed home after 8 PM and Cole was already asleep :-(

The class I'm taking is a science class that is aimed at teaching science to K-8th grade. I have to do a science fair project, YIKES! I loved these in school, but it has been years. Suggestions anyone?

Bummer of a Summer

So far this summer has been all work and very little play. Between work, summer school, and all the rain we've been mostly kept indoors. Most summers we spent at the pool and I can count on one hand how many times we've been this year.

This weekend we had swimming, the movies, and a fishing date with vetmommy and her family planned. Unfortunately, Cole got sick. He spiked a fever on Saturday and we spent several hours at the after hours clinic and then resting at home. He ran a fever all day today but was in good spirits when the Motrin kicked in (other than taking his antibiotic). He was disappointed about missing his first fishing experience, but I promised him we would try again soon.

The next five weeks won't be much fun either, I'm afraid. I start the second semester of summer school on Monday. After working 8 or 9 hours I will be taking evening classes and won't be home until Cole is going to bed. My mom will be picking him up after school. Boy it's tough to let others take care of your kid. I'm just trying to keep my eye on my goals to get me through this summer. At least I'll finally have Saturdays free to spend with him the rest of the summer.

Hopefully after summer school is over, we can visit a water park, Six Flags, or SeaWorld. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Independence Day

The 4th of July for most Americans means our Nation's birthday. For others it is their wedding anniversary (Missy and Leah). For me it was the day Cole's dad and I decided to get a divorce. Things had been bad for over a year. We were in the car on the way home and I just simply said that I couldn't do this anymore. He agreed. After we were home, while we watch Cole play in the driveway with our neighbors kids, we started to hash things out. Who would stay in the house, who got what, etc. The dirty business of divorce, in the beginning wasn't so dirty for us. We were like two strangers at a garage sale just looking at our belongings like they were inventory and making arrangements.

It was eye opening for me, even at that time, when he said he only wanted to see Cole "every month or so." Who knew that "once a month", even when he lived ten minutes away was never?

Later that night after Cole was in bed I told him for the final time that if he/we got counseling I would try again. He looked me in the eye and coldly said, "I know I need help, but I like who I am and I'm not willing to change." And that was the end.There were no tears, no hysterics, no arguing, begging, or pleading all of that was over months prior. It was just the end. In many ways it was a relief.

I walked back into my room, called my mom and said, "Mom, I think I'm getting a divorce." The rest was like a slow motion dream. While he went out and partied at night, I packed up our life. On weekends I searched for a place to live and Cole and I moved out of the house. The rest is history.

I am no longer the same person I once was and will never be that person again. My hopes and dreams changed on that Independence Day, but I'm stronger because of it.

Death and dying

I never noticed until I had a kid that a lot of kid's movies involve someone or something dying. Lately, Cole has had a zillion questions about death and dying. I try to answer his questions and try to steer the topic somewhere else, which can be difficult. Cole is very persistent when he wants to know about something.

Yesterday after lunch with friends we were getting back into the car. Out of the blue he says, "Mom, I'm going to love you forever. Even after you're dead, I'm still going to love you. You know how in the Big Z movie they celebrated Big Z's life after he was dead? When you die I'm going to have a life celebration for you." It was macabre and touching at the same time. Just the same, I hope he has a new focus on topics of conversation in the very near future.

Not for the squeamish

Last night I was talking to one of the doctors at work, Joey. Her daughter had swallowed a dime and they were instructed to examine her stool for the 'treasure'. If it hadn't appeared in three days, then she would need to go in for x-rays. Laughing she said she already knew that she would be the one who would get the digging honors. Human bodily functions gross out her husband (but we enjoy them, JK).

I was thinking about my 'throw up kid'. Cole has had an easy gag reflex since he was an infant. Crying too hard, coughing, swallowed wrong, too much food in the mouth all cause him to throw up.

When he was an infant it seemed like once a week I got a call from his daycare stating he was vomiting. To allow him to return, I would have to provide a doctor's note. Finally, my pediatrician wrote a note telling them that he just had an easy gag reflex and would vomit easily. The calls ceased. As a matter of a fact I can only remember one time when he actually was ill and vomiting.

I've had vomit in my car, caught vomit in my hand and in my dinner napkin, just to name a few. The most memorable time was at the mall when I was carrying him in a infant backpack. He vomited in my hair, down the back of my shirt, down my underwear and pants, into my socks. Thanks bud!

Not one swimming season has passed where I haven't had to rush him to the side of the pool because he swallowed some water and was about to throw up.

Luckily the older he gets the better he has been able to control himself or at least make it to the bathroom.

So while Joey was probably digging in poop last night, I was cleaning up throw up. Cole was playing with his papa and pinched his finger in a foam rocket launcher. He started crying real hard and then I was carrying him down the hall with his face dangerously close to mine as he was gagging. Oh the joys of motherhood :-)

Say my name

My mom picked Cole up from school today. On the way home they saw the aftermath of a wreck. Any time Cole sees a wreck he talks about the accident he was in with his dad several years ago. Since he was on the subject of his dad he told my mom he called him for "Faudders Day". When my mom asked him what his dad had to say, he said, "Hi buddy." Cole then said to my mom, "my dad calls me 'buddy' because he doesn't know my name." My mom assured him that his dad knew his name and Cole again insisted that his dad didn't know or remember his name.

Surfs Up

The last few weeks have been hectic and I needed a break from homework and work, so Cole and I planned a date for Saturday. I let him choose what we were going to do. He decided on dinner and a movie. We had dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen in the mall. He was on his best date behavior. As we approached the table he gestured and said, "ladies first". When the bill came he needed my card because "boys are supposed to pay" and he payed and even signed for our meal. After dinner he said, "Mom, I forgot there was one other place we needed to go...the Build-A-Bear Workshop. I've been meaning to take you there." Yeah, I bet you have. The workshop was directly across from the restaurant. We went over and he choose to make a "Cody" Penguin from the movie Surfs Up we were about to see. After making "Cody" we went to see the movie. We were sitting on the back row and right before the movie started a dad with two boys about Cole's age sat in the row in front of us. Cole said loudly, "Mom, I can't see through his big fat head!" I was laughing but wanted to crawl under the seat. Luckily the man started cracking up. Cole decided to sit on my lap, where he stayed throughout the movie. We had a great time and he already has plans for our next "date night".

Today is Father's Day which just makes me feel BLAH. I hate being the bigger person sometimes. I had Cole call his dad for Father's Day, when I first asked him if he wanted to call he said, "no thank you." His dad answered and Cole said, "Happy Father's Day...bye now." I whispered for him to talk some more, so Cole spoke for about a minute and then was ready to get off the phone. What a wonderful person he is missing out on. I'm so afraid that if I ever started dating again (don't worry I'm still not thinking about it) I would love the first person that loved my son. That's all I needed from him, just to love his own kid. Luckily, I have enough love for two parents, I just hope Cole always knows that.

per·fect (pûr'fĭkt)

adj.

1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
2. Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
4. Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.
5. Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type.

There is a mom at my son’s daycare that puts me to shame. Every time I’m in her presence I feel like rumpled, fat, street urchin. She is the “perfect” looking mom. Her makeup is perfection. There is never a hair out of place, never a root that needs touch-up. She is model skinny. Her clothes are expensive and modern. I have never seen her in shoes other than stiletto high heels. And damn, I don’t hate her….she’s nice too. We have attended several of the same birthday parties, in fact she brought her son to Cole’s last birthday. I have even ran into her at the grocery store on the weekend and she is still well put together. I find myself wondering, does this perfection come easily? Or does she have to work at it? Has she always been perfect? Does perfection come at at cost (okay, now I'm just being petty)? Just once in my life, I would like to feel that self-confidence she must feel (I was almost there for a very brief moment as I was crossing that finish line at the Danskin, but then I saw the photographer and the insecurities came flooding back). Sigh….

She does have one blemish though, in a world of increased awareness about global warming and skyrocketing gas prices she just traded in her SUV for a …..HUMMER! See, I feel better already, nobody is perfect :-)

The Rusty Old Chicken

Last night Cole made our house a "restaurant". He was the "manager" and me, my mom, and my dad were his "workers". The name of the restaurant was the "Rusty Old Chicken" (hmmm...I think I may have eaten there before). He taught my mom how to serve him properly with correct presentation and verbal etiquette. When my dad complained about his service at the Rusty Old Chicken and demanded to see the manager, Cole defended his "workers", when my dad continued to complain Cole walked away. My dad said the manager can't walk away and Cole replied that he could do whatever he wanted as manager he can even punch "bad workers" and he proceeded to playfully punch my dad in the stomach. He then said in his deep stern voice and furrowed brow, " You are FIRED. Bug off!" He was quick to add, "just decoration fired, not real fired." He had us cracking up pretending to be the "manager", I forgot how wonderful imagination truly is, make believe is so much better than the real world.

Four words I thought I'd never say...

I am a triathlete! I finished the Danskin in 2:17:56; the 1/2 mile swim was 27 minutes, 1st transition 3:40, 12 mile bike 57:40, 2nd transition 1:29, 3 mile walk/run 47:10. My only two goals were to beat 3 hours and to finish. Not to bad for someone until two months ago, hadn't been on the bike in 15+ years, and was afraid to swim in open water. It was so moving to be out there with women of all ages and sizes. I started to tear up when my feet first touched the water and again when I was starting my bike and saw my son. When I was heading into the finish line during the run, he ran to the finish line with me (and wanted a medal :-) ) It was very hot, but definitely something I will do again. Since we trained with a group there were plenty of people we knew to cheer us on and keep us motivated. Seeing your loved ones at the end with signs, helped too!

After a shower and a nap (I was up at 3:30am) I feel pretty darn good, all things considered. Thanks for all the support and Vetmommy, Leah, and Emily...I couldn't have done it without you!

1) The Ladies---I look so tall compared to these petite ladies

2) Cole's handmade T-Rex poster for me and Leah

Weary

Wow, this has been a crazy week. I'm so tired. I started summer school this week. I've been at work at 7:00am every day, leave at 11:00 am to drive like a maniac (AKA Austinite) to school, park (yeah for summer school on-campus parking), and speed walk to class. Three days a week, after my two classes, I speed back and pick up Cole to return to work for a few more hours. Two days a week, I have a lab after class, so I don't return to work but still get home late. The end of the first week and I've already had a quiz and a test. Whew, summer school is rapid fire. One of the classes I'm in is Physics, so my dreams this week have been filled w/ Physics terminology "Coulombs, Volts, Resistance, Amperes...Z.Z.Z." The one good thing is I'm so exhausted I've been collapsing into bed at night (usually with my face buried in a Physics book).

The Danskin triathlon is the weekend. I'm so nervous. It's been hotter than hell and humid this week, so that will add some extra "fun" to the event. I'm just ready to get it over with at this point. My boss at work was supposed to compete with us but decided today she is going to back out because she didn't train enough. I say "BALKK, BAAAALKK, BAAAAAAALKKK". Good luck Vetmommy and Leah.

"My new great Dad"

This morning as I was getting ready for work, Cole came sleepily walking past me and mumbled "I had a dream about my new great Dad...can I take a bath?". I didn't ask any questions and ran him an early morning bath.

On the way to work he again mentioned he had a dream. He said he had a dream about his "new great dad. He was tall, not like my old dad. He was nice, not like my old dad, he was funny, not like my old dad, he liked to see me, not like my old dad. He calls me Cole Littlebrother because he thinks it's funny. You were in the dream too, you were laughing because my new dad is funny."

I was thinking, OMG if he says "he loves me, not like my old dad" I'm going to break down driving down the road. As it was, I was tearing up and since I was driving and I couldn't wrap my arms around him, I awkwardly snaked one arm around the seats and stroked his ankle, which was the only skin I could reach. We are like Humpty Dumpty, just trying to put the pieces back together again.

The comforts of home

Living back at home has been an interesting experience, challenging in some ways and rewarding in others. It has been a strange trip down memory lane. Cole played T-ball at the same fields that we spent so much time at as kids. I really felt like I was "home" at the fields and I'm glad that I got to share this part of my life with Cole.

We also joined the neighborhood pool that I spent most of my summers at. One of the perks of this pool, is the after-hours availabilty. Each member is giving keys to the gates for after-hour access. Tonight Cole and I headed to the pool after dinner. We had the pool to ourselves and the memories of time time spent there as a teenager came flooding back. I felt like a kid again, diving for rings and jumping off the diving board, we had a great time and I'm looking forward to spending our evenings there this summer.

We've come a long way baby

I was a horrible bike rider as a kid. I just didn't ride that much and was never very brave when I did ride. The thing that scared me the most about the triathalon was getting back on a bike. As we have continued to practice I've slowly become more comfortable. I still have to calm myself down when I'm on a road with cars, but I can already tell I'm getting physically stronger.

Before I had kids, I would always think about the things I would love to do with them when I was a parent. One of those things was riding bikes together, but I figured I'd never do this since I hadn't been on a bike in years.

Since Cole's school closed early today, I knew I would be getting out of work early. Last night I loaded our bikes up on the car and as soon as I picked him up, we headed to the Veloway.

He looked so grown up and cute in his helmet and sunglasses. We rode the entire 3 mile loop (it took 40 minutes but he finished). We had a great time. Cole took a couple spills careening down the hills and ended up with a scraped knee. But, each time he got back up and kept on. He made it up all the small hills, pumping his legs and his face scrunched up in concentration. The steep heel (that only a month ago, I couldn't make it up) he had to get off and push. His favorite part was riding through the water puddles.

We've both come so far this year.

MACH 3

I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. This weekend was jammed packed. Both mornings started out with open water 1/2 mile swims in preparation for the triathalon that is a mere three weeks away...GULP.

During the swim on Saturday we also practiced the group mass start that will be a part of the swimming on race day. Nothing like try to swim while you are being kicked, scratched, and people are swimming on top of your legs, while you gulp down mouthfuls of lukewarm algae green lake water. After the swim, I rushed to Cole's T-ball tournament game. Then I had to shop for a new swimsuit which is about as much fun as having my fingernails ripped out one-by-one. Then we went to a fair at the ballpark.

Sunday morning another open-water swim at a great lake in Pflugerville, it was pfun to swim with pfriends. I need to continue to practice in the open water to ease my anxiety of not being able to see or touch the bottom. We rushed back home to shower and then headed to Cole's T-ball end of the season party. I hate this type of things. I always feel awkard and hate making small talk. The dads were all grouped together outside, the moms inside. I spent the entire 3 hours playing with all the kids. The last several hours we all played baseball, talk about a great work-out. One adult vs. 8 kids, I was running and jumping all over the place. Then Cole and I had to head to my work. We have a big inspection coming up tomorrow. We worked for about 3 1/2 hours, I was exhausted (not to mention sore from swimming and running with the kids). After getting home and bathing Cole, I collapsed into bed, in seconds it seemed the alarm was going off again.

I worked all day today, left for Cole's last game (he's sad that he won't see his coach again), and returned to work for another 3 hours. So much for relaxing before summer school starts. I guess this is just a jammed pack time of year. After the inspection at work in the morning, hopefully things will slow down some.

Graduation

Cole graduated from Pre-K today. My mom and I went to his graduation "ceremony" it was cute. Of course, I watched with tears in my eyes (I'm such a sap). He looked so cute in his dress clothes. As soon as he was dressed, he twirled his tie around his finger and said, "Now I look like a man going to work." LOL.

Now this summer he can go on field trips with the "after school kids". He is so excited. Only a few more months now before "real school begins."

Go class of 2007!

Happy Mother's Day

At Cole's pre-K the after-school kids helped his class write why they loved their moms. Here is what Cole said...

My mom is smart because...she knows how to clean the toilet

My mom is the greatest because...she drinks all her milk and because when I throw sticky worms on the celing she gets them down

Happy "Mudders" Day!

I wish I had all the answers

This afternoon I had my last final of the semester. I was done by 1:00 pm and picked Cole up from school during nap time. I sat next to him and kissed his cheek, he lazily opened his eyes and pulled me down for a hug and said "lets get outta of here." We headed to his future "big boy school" to register him for Kindergarten.

He was sleepily telling me about his few hours at school and then he got silent. In a sleepy, one octive away from a whine or crying voice, he said out of the blue, "Why doesn't my dad come to see me?" My heart broke. Whenever he asks about him, I always carefully weigh my answers. I reminded him that his dad moved to New York. He said, "how could my dad move and not see me anymore?" I said his dad moved to be close to his family. "Why doesn't my dad call me?" I don't know how to respond, because your dad is a cold-hearted bastard that can't love anyone...no mom can't say that. I told him that I have his dad's number and he could call him. He thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe tomorrow. I'm going to ask him how come he can't visit me." I said that I was sorry. He asked what I was sorry for. I couldn't answer, sorry that complete strangers can love his son but he was never able to, sorry that his dad completely abandoned financially and emotionally his own child, sorry that I've had to fight tooth and nail to make his dad take some responsibility for him, sorry that his dad still can't be bothered to call, can't be bothered to put mail an insurance card for his son, sorry that his dad can't be there take on some of the hardwork of parenting, sorry that his dad can't support Cole as he experiences all the new things in life, where does this list of things I'm sorry for end?

Most of all I'm sorry that Cole at some point will wonder if any of this is his fault. The older he gets the harder the questions and answers will become. As a mother I want to spare Cole from any pain and while I know this is not possible, I can't imagine how he will feel being abandoned by a parent. As he gets older and is figuring out who he is as a person, how will this impact him? As much I try I can't me both mother and father. Watching a 'good' father play and interact with his kids is bittersweet and unbearably sad.

Vacation Pics

We are back from vacation :-( Everyone had a great time.

On Thursday we visited Disney World Animal Kingdom. They have so many interesting attractions. The details they put into each ride is amazing. The dinosaur ride was fun and scary. Cole was gripped onto us for dear life. The day was hot and Cole was starting to drag, so we decided to brave the water ride. Cole met a 'friend' in line and they held hands and talked non-stop and of course we had to ride together. They both want brothers and were so cute together. After the water ride, Cole was refreshed and ready to do for the remainder of the day. The last thing we did was a behind the scenes tour of how they take care of the animals which was very interesting. We even got to see the veterinary hospital on-site. We were tired by the end of the day (not to mention the aching feet). We cooled off in the hotel pool while Cole slide down the water slide a zillion times, so much for relaxing.

On Friday we went to the Magic Kingdom. This park is so big it is unbelievable. We rented a stroller, since on Thursday I carried Cole (on my shoulder, on my hips, on my back) a fair portion of the day. At the entrance to the park I had a major heart attack. We were there for the opening countdown and there was a mad rush through the ticket gates. My mom was ahead of us because she was headed for the stroller rental. Cole was next and through the gate in a flash. The ticket agent had stopped me to let in a stroller. Cole was lost in literally hundreds of people. I begged the agent to open my gate, while he just passively looked at me. Once I was through I went running through the crowd. Luckily I saw my mom looking back for me. It seems Cole had kept his eye on her and had ran straight to her. WHEW!

Magic Kingdom was awesome! Each area was like a city of it's own. The costumes the ride attendants wore were perfect for each ride. We visited each section. There is a good mix of old and new attractions. The wait times for rides were always less than the posted times and they have a great 'fast pass' system. You can put your ticket into 'fast pass' machine on a ride that has a long wait time. You get a card with a posted hour time frame to return to the ride. Then you by-pass the line and get straight on. It's so much fun walking by hundreds of people to hop on a ride.

It was so hot, I couldn't imagine visit the park during the summer. We were at the park from 9am to 6pm and were wiped out by then.

I felt luckily because throughout the entire trip we saw so many kids having total meltdowns (especially at the theme parks in the heat), but Cole was a trooper through everything. He had a great time and when we asked him what his favorite part of the trip was he says "everything!"

We heard accents from so many parts of the country and around the world. It was amazing.

Cole had saved all of his birthday money for the vacation and he bought a ton of stuff back, Mickey, "Fluto", Scooby Doo, pirate toys, space toys, dinosaurs to name just a few. I think he'll remember this trip for a long time. We will absolutely go again, someday.

Vacation Update

The pirate cruise was a blast last night. It was two hours of non-stop fun. They had wonderful activities planned for the kids; water gun battles, story time, treasure hunt, face painting, and dancing...LOTS of dancing. Cole did the YMCA, the chicken dance, the electric slide and freestyle. He's made friends everywhere we have gone and enjoyed playing with the kids.

Today was for beach and pool time. I think I'll be finding sand for weeks to come. We took some time to go to a Holocaust musuem which was very moving and educational for Cole.

Tonight we went to a pirate party at our resort. Cole volunteered to be a pirate in training and as part of his initiation a dad (of the other two pirates in training) and I had to have a dance off. I won! We looked so funny. Cole was lauging and pointing at me the entire time.

We are heading out early in the morning for Disney Animal Kindom and on Friday we will be at Disney World. Only a few more days of vacation left.

"Bacation"

I'm blogging from sunny St. Petersburg, Florida. We arrived Sunday night and have been going nonstop since. My mom has been in classes all day, so Cole and I have had the days to ourselves. We've peddled the paddle boats, played putt-putt, explored, slid on 3-story water slide, swam in the pool, dug for "treasure" at the beach, splashed in the ocean and have had so much fun. Tonight we are going on a "pirate cruise", which Cole is really looking forward to. We have one day left at the beach before we head to Orlando for Disney World.

Cole has perfect skin and is already turning a beautiful shade of brown. Despite liberally applying SPF 50 sunblock I'm burnt. My shoulders and back have taken the brunt of the sun, so today I wore a T-shirt all day. Luckily it isn't a painful sunburn. Tomorrow I will remain covered up again.

The beach here is beautiful and we have seen Dolphins every day. There are millions of shells and the water is clear. I got up early and went for a morning jog on the beach today. The water is a little chilly but perfect once you get in and splash around. You do have to be careful for stingrays (you're supposed to do the 'stingray shuffle'), but luckily we haven't seen any thus far.

This has been a great vacation. Boy I really needed to relax and have fun. I don't want this week to end :-(

Senseless

As I was walking in the doors of my American Literature class today, administrators came out from the woodwork shouting "Evacuate the building, there has been a bomb threat. Don't stop to collect your things, leave now!" This is the second bomb threat at Texas State in the last few weeks. The last threat was on Friday, when I'm not on campus. I casually went back down the four flights of stairs I had just ascended. It's the boy who cried wolf. No one takes this seriously. Some dumb student who probably didn't study for a test makes an empty threat because he/she knows the schools will have to take them seriously, especially after the recent shootings at Virginia Tech. Senseless violence and threats of violence make me so mad. I just don't understand people sometimes. The world is a scary place.

I wonder how much tax dollars this empty threat cost? The building was closed for four hours, police tape put up, campus and local police on site, SWAT team, fire and rescue teams too. The majority of students were mad, but a few were cheering and I just kept thinking "Man are you shallow and stupid." The sad thing is that people become so numb to these things that if god forbid it happens for real, no one will take it seriously.

At least I only have 1 more day of school left until finals, so I hopefully won't have to put up with this nonsense much longer.

"Dumb Ask"

Dozier, my parent's morbidly obese dog is always underfoot. He is often called names by everyone in the house. At dinner time he likes to lay under Cole's chair. The other night at dinner he kept bumping Cole's chair and Cole said "Move Dozier you dumb ask". When I asked him what he called Dozier he said, "Dumb ask". His mispronunciation was funny, guess he thinks that is what people say. Kids truly do hear everything people say.

Since the title of this post is "dumb ask" this applies too. In an earlier post I had mentioned that Cole's dad had called 4 days before his birthday. During that call he had mentioned he had already sent a package along with Cole's insurance card (since I have now paid around $1400 for insurance since September when he started being covered under R's plan, but no card, no proof). He said he "couldn't remember what day" he mailed the package but it was the previous week "he thought". I knew he was lying. Why? Because he was opening his mouth. Surprise, surprise there still hasn't been a package. He better be careful because very soon, Cole will remember his lies....luckily right now he is still blissfully unaware.

I'm sad for Cole when I see how much he really responds to men. He LOVES his baseball coach. He always rushes out so say hi when we arrive, seeks out high-fives, hugs onto his legs, and hugs him bye. Bless his coach, he really pays Cole special attention without making it obvious. My eternal question will always be, why can others love Cole but not his own dad?

Coming or Going

Leah and I started training with our group for the Triathalon. Each day we have a set work out to do and we meet our group twice a week. While I like knowing what to do and how long to do it each day, finding time has been rough. My days are already so full this has just been a lot of work fitting work outs in.

Monday night we were supposed to swim for 30 minutes. Just our luck the YMCA that we belong to is re-doing it's pool until this end of April. We thought about swimming at a local outdoor heated pool, but it's closed for cleaning. Next we were going to go to another outdoor heated pool, it closed too early. Finally we decided on going to a pool at another gym that Leah belongs to. They were open late (I couldn't go until Cole was in bed and Leah had a dance class). We get to the pool at 8:45pm. I arrive and Leah is standing outside, looking mad. The PH was off in the pool and they had closed it at 8:00! We both wanted to give up. So here we are standing outside a gym at a quarter till 9:00 pm. We both had been up since 5:00 am and hadn't stopped since. Leah still had an hour drive home and I still had a test to study for. We called the downtown YMCA and found out that pool was open until 9:45 pm. We looked at each other for a long moment, jumped into my car and sped over there. Yeah it was open! It was a great pool, and not busy that time of night, duh! We were happy to finally be in the water and even happier to keep to our workout schedule. Yeah us!

The next night we were supposed to bike for 30 minutes. Leah got up before work and rode and I rode in the rain soaked streets in the evening, praying I wouldn't fishtail around the turns. We have been calling to check up on each other.

The bonus is I'm done with school in a few weeks, so hopefully I will have a little more free time.

What were you doing five years ago today?

Five years ago, after dinner at a local Chinese restaurant, I started going into labor with Cole. I was up all night, with my cat Bandit. He stayed up with me purring on my lap as I stroked him through waves of pain. He still keeps me company and in fact is laying on my lap between me and the laptop (purring and reaching out to "grab" me, just in case I've forgotten he's there) right now.

After being up all night, I headed into the hospital early the next morning and had Cole that same afternoon. How little prepared I was for how much my life would change. I never knew I was capable of that much love, patience, worry, and determination. Having Cole has been the biggest adventure in my life. Despite all the drama and angst in my personal life, he has turned out to be a wonderful kid...I'll pat myself on the back for that one. I hardly remember what my life was like before him. I wouldn't trade all the grumpus mornings and endless questions for anything in the world, because what comes with all that is an endless supply of love and entertainment. These past five years have just flown by. Gone are the cherub rolls of toddlerhood and baby speak. Now there is a large (never ending) vocabulary, a thirst for information, and a growing boy (2 shoes sizes and over and 1 &1/2" since January). I just can hardly believe he is already 5 and will be starting Kindergarten this year!

He'll get to celebrate his birthday at school tomorrow with a pirate ship pinata filled with gold coins, jeweled rings, play money and sparkling necklaces (since his party at the park was rained out, his teacher offered to do the pinata at school). We celebrated his birthday at home, tonight, because I won't be home until late tomorrow night. I start training for the triathlon on his actual birthday. In truth, after his party on Saturday he considers himself "5" anyway.

BTW,his dad did call on Sunday night. He said a package is in the mail for Cole although he doesn't know when it will be here or even what day he sent it??? He promised to call him on his birthday as well. At least he remembered.

Happy Birthday Colebug!

Happy Birthday and Happy Easter

We had Cole's birthday party today. It was about 45 degrees and raining, so no party at the park. Yesterday we knew the weather was predicted to be bad so I called GattiTown and they had an opening at the same time the party was originally scheduled. So we went to GattiTown, not what I originally had planned, but it was warm and dry and most importantly the kids still had a great time. There were 6 boys at the party which was perfect. Cole got to ride the bumper cars for the first time and had a blast. Pizza, pirate cake, and games... a five year old's dream come true.

After the party we came home and decorated eggs for Easter. Boy I never knew how much work and planning went into being a parent, I'm tired. The thing that makes me happiest in life is seeing Cole happy, so all the work is worth it.

Gameball and other meanderings

Tonight Cole had his third T-ball game. He did a great job tonight. Not in the I'm going to be drafted by MLB way but in the I'm Cole way. The second inning the coach put him in at pitcher (they just pretend to pitch) but they are hit the majority of the balls. He stopped almost everyone and always with his goofy grin! The next inning he played catcher and again he was running after the ball. At bat he did well and ran hard. He cracks everyone up when he runs, because he looks like he is running in S L O W M O T I O N...but he thinks he is running fast, again always with that trademark grin. His coach is really beginning to spend some extra time with Cole which he needs and wants. Cole really looks forward to seeing Coach Joseph and getting "high-fives". This week at practice Cole was even standing with his arm around him, which about broke my heart. Anyway...after each game the coach awards the game ball to one player. Tonight he gave it to Cole. Cole was so excited and immediately came running to me. We have it in a silver glove trophy left over from my dad's coaching days. Cole is so proud.

I had some exciting news today. I had applied for several scholarships at school for next semester. I had to write an essay and give turn in some letters of recommendations. I submitted two letters from professors and one from my boss at work, and one from one of the doctors. I got an e-mail today that I was awarded a scholarship. YIPEE!! There is an award ceremony on the 12th that I have to attend to officially "accept" my scholarship. I'm excited, any little bit helps.

Only a few more days until Cole's "pirate" birthday party. I'm praying it doesn't rain. Cole has three boys from school that are supposed to attend and my friend Jennifer's boys, so we should have a great time. He is very excited. I've been sick w/ Strep AGAIN, so I'm hoping he doesn't get sick too. But so far he has been healthy. The running bet around my house is if his dad will even remember it is his birthday. Guess, we will see.

Glorious Spring

I needed the weekend. Last week was another crappy week at work. The beautiful spring weather was just what I needed.

Sunday we got up and did several hours of yard work. Both of flower beds in my parent's yard were only growing weeds. They need to be completely re-done. We got up early and got to work, pulling weeds and hoeing and then planting some new flowering bushes. Despite the aching muscles it was a lot of fun. We got to get dirty, see millions of rolly pollies, worms, a snail, and even a snake slithering through the clover. Cole got to help plant, dig, and sweep. While pulling weeds in the back, he sighed and said, "I'm not as young as I used to be." My mom and I died laughing.

After cleaning up we went to the Easter Egg Hunt at the YMCA. It was the first event I have ever been too that everything was FREE. Free games for the kids, free petting zoo, free face painting, free food. Free fun!

Glad I don't have a pair

Of testicles that is. Then all that testosterone would be shooting around my brain clouding my better judgement.

Tonight Cole had his second T-ball game. The opposing team's coaches must have thought this was the World Series. First they had 7 coaches. They were so hard on those kids, makes me glad Cole wasn't on that team. When one of their players hit a line drive towards our pitcher and it almost nailed him in the head they CHEERED! So far in our games and scrimmages when a ball is dropped or not caught during play (which is most of the time)the other teams are conservative in scoring runs. Not this team. They would yell for their runners to keep running. There was even an argument among the coaches. The rules state that the coach yells "Pitcher pitch (he pretends to throw)Batter bat". This allows the players in the field to be ready for the ball. Their team didn't do this. When our coach asked that they do this, because he was afraid our players wouldn't be ready and get hurt, all 7 coaches came out to confront him. It was like a grade school pissing contest. The last inning the other team's coach would sarcastically yell "batter bat". I felt so uneasy the entire time I was there. At least our kids had fun, although the few kids on the team that are good were goofballs tonight and Cole got hurt. He was the last batter of the night and he hit the ball and was running towards first. The first baseman dove for the ball that was thrown to him and sidelined Cole in the process. He fell face first into the dirt, his batting helmet fell off and fell in front of him so he hit his nose on it, luckily it didn't bleed.

The mother of one of the boys on our team is a real doozie. She has bright brassy bleach blond hair with the weird underlayer that is dark brown (I just don't get that look). Model skinny with HUGE silicon breasts and a fake tan. She was wearing a strapless mini-dress with stiletto animal print shoes. Great baseball outfit. Of course she pulled up in a Lexus SUV. Turned a few heads that one, but I suppose that was the point.

Hope the next game is better and not coached by a bunch of apes.

Gone Fishing

I want to take Cole fishing. He has been dying to go. I don't know anything about fishing. So I wrote to the columnist Jane Greig, in the Austin American Statesman. She has a question and answer column. If she likes your question, she will post it in the paper. I emailed her to ask about fishing help in the Austin area and she responded to my question and printed it in the paper last week. Today her associate emailed me and said they have had an overwhelming response to my question. People have been contacting them about giving us fishing poles, advice, etc. One gentleman even has multiple stock tanks on his property and said we can fish there and he will teach us about fishing for free. They emailed me his contact information. Now my mom always told me not to talk to strangers so I'm not positive I'm going to contact him (although Leah said she'd go with us). But anyway...hopefully we will be fishing in the near future.


**BTW I don't think it is a mere fluke that Marky Mark and me (okay my question) appeared on the front page together. Must be fate.

Confessions

I had been keeping a secret from my mom. Nothing momentous, but a secret nonetheless. Leah and I had decided last month to compete in the Danksin triathlon with Vetmommy. Vetmommy is in awesome shape, Leah and I have some work to do.

Leah and I registered last week. This week while review the Danskin website I noticed a link for the Austin training. I looked at the link, but was hesitant to spend the additional money for training. I logged off my computer and went to bed. I kept thinking about the website. Around midnight I decided I was going to join the training. I figured I was worth it, it's time to take my life back. I logged back on and registered. The first day of training is April 11, Cole' birthday...I thought this was a great sign. This will now be my "birth day" too!

Today Leah and Vetmommy and I went to the Veloway to ride bikes, we did 9 miles. Jerry Leah's hubby came along to watch the kiddos. The first two loops, Jerry watched Anna and Cole while Vetmommy pulled Colin in the trailer. The last loop he watched Colin and Vetmommy pulled Anna and Cole! We had fun and I've become much more comfortable on the bike. This evening Cole and I went to buy him a "big boy bike" so he's ready to go back out there right now!

So to my already hectic schedule I'm adding getting in shape, but I'm ready for the challenge!

The power of words

Last night was Cole’s first T-ball game. It was a hellacious day at work. I had to leave at 5:00pm because he had to be on the field at 5:30pm. I thought there was no way I was going to be able to get out of there on time. I left about 10 minutes late, feeling like shit because I was leaving chaos and couldn’t stay to help and because I was leaving late, getting my son to his first game late. I rushed to daycare picked Cole up and shuttled him into the car. Since I knew we would be rushed I had packed a banana and a pop tart for him to eat on the way. As I praying for green lights and rushing to the game, I handed him his snacks. He says, “WOW, mom you always remember to take care of me. Thank you so much for the snacks and for the favors you do for me. I love you.” My heart melted. Gone immediately was the sense of panic and frustration.

We arrived late to the game. I hurriedly got Cole dressed. His coach was SO happy to see him because he thought they were going to have to forfeit the game because they were short one player. The game was great. Cole played catcher, shortstop (he did well, actually stopped the ball and threw it), and played center field. While playing shortstop a runner collided with him and he tumbled to the ground, got back up and was ready to play. He hit three base hits and scored three runs. He cracked us up when he was running; he looks like he ran in slow mo. He had such a good time.

Then last night during his bath he looked up at me and said, “Mom when am I going to have a brother? If I had a brother, I would hug him EVERY day.” I reminded him that you needed a mommy and a daddy to have a baby and he sighed and said, “Okay I’m going to find you a husband then.” So sweet, not going to happen but sweet anyway. When I’m rich from teaching – HA I’ll adopt a brother for him :-)

This morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, he lifted his head from bed and said, “Come give me a hug, I’m going to miss you.” After the hug he said, “I’ll walk you to the door.” My little grown up man. As I left he had snuggled into my mom’s lap, it was a wonderful vision to start my day.

Short attention span

Cole's first T-ball game is Friday. He was excited about his new uniform and his hat with "Cole" on the back of it, so excited in fact he wants to wear them both to school tomorrow. The game should be interesting. He hasn't had many practices due to the weather and they ones he has had have gone something like this.
Step 1: Pull the slightly oversized baseball hat down over your eyes
Step 2: Play in dirt
Step 3: Pick grass
Step 4: Throw dirt (at someone or yourself)
Step 5: Throw grass (see above)
Step 6: Draw crop circles in the dirt
Step 7: Put glove on the ground
Step 8: Put glove on your head
Step 9: While teammates are batting and you are in the infield do any of steps individually, in any order, or all at once
Step 10: Pout when ball comes your way (and miraculously you are not beamed by it) and you miss it because you were not paying attention.

There is only 1 coach for all these boys and very little one on one attention. We rarely even have another dad to help, since most of the moms take the kids to practice. Although I'm the only single parent. The coach, while nice enough, is the type of man that would never consider a mom might be able to help out. Most of the practice, I'm calling Cole's name telling him to stand up, stop playing in the dirt, etc. When he is in the outfield I really don't care, I just don't want him hurt when he is up close. Despite all this Cole really has a great time. He loves running the bases and hitting.

I know from research and my education classes that "experts" don't recommend team sports for children until around 6 or 7 years of age. Which certainly I understand. The range of the kids gross motor skills in t-ball where the kids are from 5-7 is vast. But then you have to consider what the impact of starting sports at 7, not having played before, while other kids have been playing for several years will have on a child. So as long as Cole shows an interest I will let him play. Besides I'm just glad he wants to be out running around instead of sitting home in front of the boob tube.

Yee-haw

Thursday Cole and I spent the day at the Star of Texas Fair and Rodeo. We had a great time. They have a lot of kids activities which Cole enjoyed. He rode a pony, watched a dairy cow being milked, went through the petting zoo, got his picture taken on a plastic bull. He actually competed in the rodeo, too. They had "stick horse" rodeo. You donate a dollar to the FFA scholarship fund and the kids get to enter an event and compete. Cole picked, Broncho riding. They announce the kids name, age, and city on the microphone and say a "fun fact" about each kid and then the event begins. Cole won second place and all partcipates got a ribbon and rounds of applause. We walked around and looked at the various animals for show. Cole LOVES horses and he made us walk down row afer row of horses until we had seen them all.

For lunch we shared typical "fair" food of a corn dog, fries and a lemonade, and enjoyed compliminatory ice cream cones from Borden Farms.

Then we headed over to the amusement park. We purchsed "half-day" wrist bands for $15/each which I thought was pretty reasonable since most rides were at least 3 tickets (1 ticket is 1 dollar). Our first ride was the ferris wheel, which is Cole's favorite because you can "see all of the town". We rode two roller coasters (the one's Cole is tall enought to ride on) and one ride that spins you forwards and backwards, very fast which Cole also loved. We went throught the two "fun" houses at least 4 times. They also have a "super slide" that you have to ride down on a potato sack. I don't like this ride, but Cole loves it. He isn't tall enough for that ride yet either so he has to ride on my lap. So heart beating eratically I gamely climbed the steps to the top and risked my life (okay maybe just my pride)by trying to hold onto Cole while hurtling toward the ground on a potato sack. We survived.

The rodeo was a great way to spend a day. I was glad to see that Cole was afraid of any ride and loved them all. I can't wait until May when we go to Disney World!

Spoke too soon

I spoke too soon about PepBoys and my car. When I posted on Sunday they had promised me that my car would be ready the same day. Around 5:00pm I contacted them and was told they didn't think it would be done by closing at 6:00pm WHAT? So I called back around 5:45 pm and they said there would be no way it would be finished. The mechanic was going to finish it that night but it probably would not be finished until after 7:00 pm and they would be closed. Great. So my mom had the privilege of taking Cole to daycare and then dropping me off at work before 7:00am and getting herself to work.

That morning, I called PepBoys and asked if they would do an oil change since my car was still there, they said no problem. Leah was going to take me to get my car after her shift ended at 2:00 pm. Around noon the manager called and said, "Can you walk me through everything we did on your car?. We changed to brakes and rotors, did an
oil change, and you called back to have us replace two tires, right?" No, I DID NOT call back to have two tires replaced, my tires are only a year old. He explained there must have been some confusion but I wouldn't be charged for the tires. I said that in addition to the tires being semi-new they were expensive tires. My grandmother had bought them for me and she bought the top of the line since I'm on the road so much. I told him that if my tires were better I wanted them back on. He called me back and said, my tires were better and he would get them on and my car would be ready in an hour.

I picked my car up at 2:00pm. On the way back to work I was irritated because my hands were coated in dusty black debris from the mechanics hands on my steering wheel and gear shift. I had to clean my car when I got back to work.

After work I picked Cole up and we headed home. When I pick him up from school, we never have the radio on, because we talk about our day. While talking, I thought I heard a high-pitched squeaking coming from the driver's side tire. We were quiet for a moment and sure enough it was squeaking. It only squeaked when the car was moving. When idling or when applying the brakes the noise when away. When we got home I called PepBoys and they wanted me to bring the car back up. Since it was dinner time I left Cole with my parents and headed back up. I was there before 6:00 pm.

They immediately test drove the car and verified the noise. They had to pull another car out of the bay to work on my car and they lifted it and got to work. As they were spinning the wheel, a shrill squeaking penetrated the lobby. Another customer looked over at me and said, "Geez, glad that's not my car!" Gee thanks, buddy. The mechanic thought maybe the new rotor was slightly warped or uneven so they were going to try and fix it, maybe thirty minutes or so. After grabbing a bite to eat I headed back over and my car was still up on the lift. The mechanic said it was still squeaking, so they decided to start from scratch and "cut a new rotor" Another hour later he said, they were almost done. The tested the tire several times while on the lift and no squeaking. So they lowered the car and took it for a test drive. The mechanic looked at me and smiled reassuringly and said you're almost out of here. A few minutes later here comes my car, back into the bay and up onto the lift. Off comes the tire, work stops on all the cars and there are now five mechanics looking over and under my car, wheels spin, brakes applied, wheels spin, brakes applied, SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! After another 45 minutes the mechanic came out with a grave look on his face. He explained in mechanic talk which I nodded like I understood that my Taurus is built different than any car he has seen before. The bottom line is that he thinks an "undercarriage engine mount" that is connected somehow to the rotor/tire is broken and in the short test drive this had caused the second brand new rotor to warp an 1/8". He explained that a "master mechanic" would have to look at the car the next day and they would have to call the Ford dealership mechanics, etc. He said I could drive the car and he thought "it should be safe" but that I would be continuing to warp the rotor. He would prefer if I left the car again. It was now almost 9:00pm.

I called my parents to try to work out travel arrangements for the next day. Luckily it is Spring Break so I didn't have school, but I had several appointments that were scheduled.

So on my first day of Spring Break I got to wake up at 6:00 am to take my dad to work (several hours earlier than he ever goes) so I could make it to my own doctor appointment. I'm still waiting to hear from the mechanic,not entirely sure that I will get my car even today. Sigh!

This never happens to me

For the past few weeks when I driving at a decent speed and apply my brakes my steering wheel vibrates (like when exiting the Interstate). This weekend it was worse than ever. Every time I've thought about it I just saw dollar signs scrolling through my mind, car repairs are so expensive.

Several years ago I was having some car trouble and broke down. I took that car to Firestone, because it was the closest. The estimate they gave me was outrageous, I paid to have my car towed to the only other place I found open on the weekends which was PepBoys and they said a lot of the things on my original estimate were BS and fixed my car for much less, since then I have always used them.

Last year I had my brake pads replaced there, so I called and they said to bring the car in. I had "goggled" the symptoms my car was having and google said it was usually a warped roter. I took my car into PepBoys this morning and they called to say it was in fact a warped roter on the passenger side. Since my brake replacement was still under warranty to get the roter fixed, to replace the driver's side one too and replace the brake pads it would only be $51. WHAT??? I pay close to that sometimes just for an oil change. YIPEEE! I was so happy. Glad I took it back to them.

Visual Imagery

I had four research papers due this week and I'm tired. In addition to those papers in my American Lit class we could submit a short paper for extra credit. Even though I have a solid A I decided to do the extra credit assignment. Our topic was writing a paper of a paragraph or two that "evoked visual imagery". This was my submission.

Sink or swim

Last year I went through a divorce. When I think back to that long torturous summer as the decision was being made to separate I can only compare it to one thing. To me it was like being immersed under water with unseen hands holding you underneath the surface. At first, you kick and scream fighting with every ounce of your being. The will to survive overpowers everything. Occasionally you break free to the surface and can take a gulp of air, but those unseeing hands push you back under. Then the fear sets in, your limbs grow weak and weary and you fight less and less to get to the surface, you get close to the surface, but not close enough to take a breath. Your chest hurts and limbs begin to grow heavy, but you still kick, but those hands don't let go. The view of the surface grows hazier and hazier as your whole body begins ache and your chest begins to explode. Eventually when you are too weak to struggle those hands let you go. You have two choices, you can give up because you are tired of struggling and sink slowly to the bottom. Or you can look inward and using the tiny amount of strength you have left push to the top. Once there you can float as long as you need to regain your strength and then start to swim, never looking back. I chose to swim.

My professor's response "In a "sea" of over 200 students, your paper was one of the best. Thanks for submitting something so personal, it was a welcome relief from the papers full of "the lush green hills...". Here's my message to you, alway keep swimming."

I got my bonus points! I wish he would have written, "in the words of Dory...just keep swimming, just keep swimming." A Nemo reference that would have been funny. But I'll take his compliment.

Shark Family

Today Cole was drawing. He decided he wanted to draw a family of sharks. He described the sharks to me. "This is the ocean. This small shark is the kid shark, this is the mommy shark, this is the granny shark, and this shark is the meanest it is a papa shark, nobody likes him." Despite being funny because yet again, he was calling Papa mean, it still catches me off-guard that his definition of a family never includes a dad, which is sad for him.

Speaking of the person he never includes, I assume he is back in New York. He was supposed to be working in Houston for 8 weeks. We never heard from him after the visit with his "friend" 5 weeks ago. Not one word. Cole hadn't seen him since May and R was as close as Houston and spent approximately 3 hours total with him over two visits. Way to go DAD!

I need a transporter

It's 2007, shouldn't we all have our own transporting devices and we could zip around town with those. I felt like I spent half my day today in the car in traffic. I left OakHill at 6:20 am, drove to south Austin to daycare, drove to San Marcos for school. Drove from San Marcos back to OakHill to work out. Rushed out of the gym to drive back to south Austin to pick Cole up from daycare and take him to T-ball practice and then home again around 6:45 pm.

I almost skipped the gym because I knew that I would be pressed for time, but the gym is virtually the only thing I do for myself, so I hated to give that up. Besides Thursday is the night I meet with my personal trainer. I was five minutes late for my session, thanks to traffic and I HATE being late.

I'm exhausted and I really don't like the Texas Transportation Department, especially the engineers that designed the new Benwhite/290 Flyover. To get on the dang thing from IH35 you have to sit throughout MANY light changes and have to go down to Congress and sit through even more light changes just to enter 290 and of course you have the people who fly by you in the middle lane and then cut you off at the last moment to enter 290. They are WAY too important to sit in line, like the rest of us poor saps. Okay, enough ranting for tonight.

I'm adding to my heated commuting post.

The other night at dinner my dad was antagonizing Cole and Cole held up his pointer finger and drew two imaginary lines in the air. My dad asked what he was doing and he said "I just X'd you out" and we all laughed. My dad kept picking on him and Cole did it again, but more vigorously and said, "Now I scribbled scrabbled you out." Tonight as Cole was giving his goodnight kisses, my dad asked if he was still "X'd" out and Cole said "No, I erased you." My dad said, "What am I now then." Without missing a beat, Cole hopped down from his chair, shrugged and nonchalantly replied, " Still mean". Out of the mouths of babes!

Carefree

Once the warm weather hits, attendance in my afternoon classes noticeably drops. There is a park on the river that I pass on the way to and from my car every day. Today every surface was covered in scantily clad men and women. The scent of coconut suntan oil was wafting in the breeze. As I was walking by in my "uniform" of jeans and t-shirt I wished for a moment that I was young and carefree. The only concern I would have is if my tan was even or not. Even when I was their age, I was older than my years and never was the type to sit out in the park and soak up the sun. Oh to be young again, never mind, I wouldn't want to go back again anyhow.

Zoo

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It was a beautiful Sunday today! As soon as Cole woke up this morning he wanted to go to the zoo. Since the weather was perfect my mom and I took him. We had a great time. I had given Cole my old camera and he took lots of pictures. These photos are from my new camera!

New Camera

I made a big purchase for myself. With a portion of my tax return I bought myself a new digital camera. My previous camera was old and didn't have many features. Since pretty much any free time I have is spent making memories with Cole, I thought it was a worthwhile expense. I really like my new camera, it takes great pictures and the features aren't too hard for me to figure out. The best part is the USB port so I can download right to my laptop (no more taking the memory card to Target to get a CD made). Here are some pictures of Cole I took tonight in his practice uniform (notice the remnants of his Scarlet Fever around his poor mouth).

Strep Throat part Deuce

Cole is sick again :-(. After swimming lessons on Thursday his cheeks were flushed. When we got home I took his temp and it was 101. It had hit 102.5 by the morning. I had to take him to work with me Friday, which was stressful when I know he really needed to be home resting. We went to the doctor late in the afternoon and sure enough he has strep and an ear infection again. Here we go with the struggling of giving medications again, at least this antibiotic is only once a day. This am when I woke up for work he was covered head to toe in a rash, the ear that had the infection in was swollen and blistered. I called the after-hours clinic and made an appointment. They wanted to see him right away to make sure it wasn't a reaction to the antibiotic. Again I had to work, so I had to write a letter of consent for my mom to take him. The additional diagnosis, Scarlet Fever. Looks like we will be spending a weekend with Scooby Doo and the gang.

A good man in the making

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. My mom had taken Cole shopping for me last weekend. The funny thing is he always wants to buy me jewelry and he knows what he wants to buy me when he sees it. He had kept his secret all week. On the way to school yesterday morning, Cole sleepily said, "I can't wait to get home tonight to give you your Valentimes gift." When I agreed that I couldn't wait to get home to exchange gifts as well, he said "I might have gotten you a necklace, or....I might not have." "If I got you a necklace it might be a circle with a heart....or It might not." "If I got you a necklace with a circle and a heart, don't put it on Tasha or Dozier (the dogs) because it might break". Hmmm....wonder what my gift was :-)

At school they exchanged Valentines, had a party and a Valentine Dance. When I went to pick him up, the ladies could not wait to tell me how much he danced, they said there was some Saturday Night Fever moves and lots of rump shaking (must be all those nights at the Broken Spoke) and they were in stitches the whole time. One of the moms video taped the event and is going to make me a copy.

So this got me thinking....he puts the toilet seat down, puts in clothes in the laundry hamper, is affectionate, buys jewelry for all the right occasions, and loves to dance, seems like he'll be a good man in the making (although R would say he'll be gay, because anytime a man does something thoughtful or respectful to a woman, this was a sign of weakness to him). Anyway...Happy Valentines Day!

Cole is dirty

Tonight after reading the Austin American Statesman my mom and I were talking about the proposed coal plants in Austin. My mom was holding up several pages from the metro section that had ads that said "Coal is dirty" "Coal is dirty". I heard a sharp intake of breath and looked over at COLE who by now had an indigent look on his face and said, "Granny I'm not dirty!" We cracked up. Oops.

Tonight after picking Cole up from school, he found a dandelion. He picked it up and said he was going to make a wish...

I wish for a telescope
I wish to drive a dump truck
I wish for some candy
I wish for me to be mom's boyfriend
I wish for mom to be my Valentime

I'm blogging this stuff, so when Cole hits his teenage years, I can show him how much he loved me :-)

Judgement

We all judge other people. We may not like to admit it but we do. It might be based on their clothes, their car, they way they speak, or the color of their skin but we do judge them.

There is a girl in three of my classes that sits next to me. She is a single parent and lives in Austin. The first ten minutes of the first day of class she wanted my phone number, e-mail address, and wanted to arrange car pooling. I agreed to the first two, but politely declined the last offer. As the days of school have turned into weeks, she has shared more and more of her life (without any prompting on my part - I assure you). Each morning is a monologue of how horrible her weekend or evening was, etc. Her son is 5 and in kindergarten which her mom takes to school everyday. She is divorced and the dad pays child support and has custody every other weekend, which he sticks to religiously (which irritates her, ironically). She has a boyfriend, they haven't been dating long, don't live together and she is pregnant with his kid. To date they haven't discussed any plans for becoming a family. Today she went on and on about her life and I can't help but judge her. I don't want to, but I was. I can't help but compare us. She was complaining about being tired and the girl that sits next to us and also hears the stories, said she didn't know how we go to school and are parents. She takes 8 hours and works part-time and is exhausted. The "monologue girl", said well I'm taking 8 hours and don't work and can barely stand it. She went off in a tirade about how her mom and friends say that she should work so she has some money. The other girl said if you don't work at all, how do you live? She said off child support. She lives in a government assisted housing project, has Medicaid, food stamps and financial aid and now about to have another child. When the other girl asked me how much I work and how many hours I'm taking (full-time and 15 hours) she just exchanged a glance with me over "monologue girl". Later in the morning, when "monologue girl" was complaining again about not having any money, the other girl asked why doesn't she move in with her mom, stating it would be easier on her to have some support and her mom who is shuttling the kid back and forth. She went on another tirade about how she tried living at home and would get into huge fights with her mom, because her mom didn't like how she disciplined her kid. When the other girl asked, what you mean she said "you know like if I spank or slap at him." When she saw us again exchanging glances, she turned to me and said, "What you don't spank your son?" giving me an incredulous look. I said, "No, I never have." She said, "Never? You mean you have never once whacked his hand with a brush to get his attention or spanked his bottom?" Again, "No". Before anymore 'sharing' could begin we were saved by the start of our last morning class together. So, yes I do judge her, I admit it. I'm sure I will the rest of the semester, since we have damn assigned seats.

In sickness and in health

There is nothing worse than having a sick kid. When you are used to them running at full tilt, seeing them weak and febrile is heartbreaking. Cole spent a few hours with his dad yesterday (and Carla his "friend"). When he got home he seemed out of sorts. I wasn't sure if he was tired or upset and he didn't say...he just didn't seem himself. Shortly after he got home we had to leave for hockey, at first he said he didn't want to go then he said he did and seemed excited. As soon as we got to the hockey rink he had a huge meltdown which was completely out of character. He cried about going to practice and when I said he didn't have to he cried about that as well. After he started hysterically crying in the parking lot I made the decision for him. He calmed down in the car and we had previous plans to visit "Obo" at his new restaurant http://www.texaslandandcattle.com. At dinner Cole didn't want to eat and quickly fell asleep in my lap, by the end of dinner his face was flushed with fever. We came home and I gave him some motrin. He coughed most of the night and around midnight coughed and threw up all over me and the bed. This morning his fever was up to 102. I had to call into work which I never do and we made a doctors appointment. It seems my little Colebug has strep, and ear infection and a cough. His throat looked horrible and I know how I awful I felt a few weeks ago when I had strep, so I can only imagine how he feels. We spent the day at home cuddled together watching movies. His fever stays down as long as I give the Motrin every 6 hours. Hopefully, he will feel better tomorrow after the antibiotics have 24 hours to do their magic.

File this under "U"

"U" for unbelievable or "U" gotta be sh*ting me!!! Tonight we were all at Home Depot and while I was watching Cole pretend to drive the tractors my phone rings and "Loser" displays on the screen (I know...I know...I'm so mature...hey it was N2 (as in N squared) for a while for numbnuts)...ANYWAY! I answered and R asked if I was at home. When I said no, he said that he was on his way into Austin and wanted me to do an Internet search for hotels for the night. I thought this was a little bit weird because two weekends ago he stayed with a friend, but whatever. He then asked what our plans where for tomorrow. When I replied, he said he wanted to have Cole for several hours because he brought a "friend" with him that he REALLY wanted Cole to meet. The nerve. Wanting me to research a hotel for him and his "friend". Some people have no clue..as he has proved time and time again.

Under normal circumstances I think single parents should be EXTREMELY cautious about introducing someone they are dating to their children. Children form attachments very easily and when those relationships fail, it is another loss felt by the child. Obviously, these aren't normal circumstances, Cole really doesn't even have a bond with his dad and so far a visit from him and the subsequent parting doesn't appear to have much of an impact at all. So if R calls tomorrow I will let Cole go and meet the "friend". Who knows how long this renewed lackadaisical interest will last in Cole, so we should just make the best of the situation.

I find it hard to believe that R has changed his core person and learned from his prior relationship mistakes. He was dating before we were even divorced...actually he was going out and trying to date while we were still living in the same house...and was even involved in a short relationship before he moved, so I knew he would be moving on.

As for me....I'm still NO WHERE near being ready for anything or anyone else. I still don't know if I ever will be. Luckily for me, I have all the love I need from Cole!

Ice pictures

Here are the pictures from "Ice Storm '07" ! We didn't get much snow, but there was enough to build a 6" Central Texas Snowman on the snow that accumulated on Cole's rock wall. Cole's slide was covered in about 2" of ice and he really enjoyed sliding down it...it would launch him out about 2'.


Here is "Popsicle" that we broke off of the roof. Over and over I got to lift Cole up to break off icicles. He thought most of them looked like carrots. He would then take the icicles and break them on the trees, sidewalk, or watch them shatter in the street. Such a boy!





This is my favorite photo. The look on face was priceless. He made snow angels in the driveway (not enough snow on the grass). I don't know how he even knows how to make a snow angel...must be something he's seen on TV.

The Ice Day was bad for business in Austin but it was sure a great time for kids and parents alike!

Do babies have eyes?

"Mommy, do babies have eyes?" Yes, of course Cole. You have seen your baby pictures and you had eyes. "No, mom (said in that you are so dense mom tone) I mean in their mommies tummies" Yes, buddy babies eyes start to develop in their mom's tummy. "When I was in your tummy I couldn't see anything (long pause) Oh! I know! (said with excitement) it's because you didn't have a light switch in your tummy and it was too dark to see!"

Why I love you

Due to "Ice Storm '07" (gotta love the catch phrases used by the media) Cole and I got to spend some relaxing down time together. Yesterday we were home all day and it actually SNOWED! We played outside for hours and even made a six inch snowman (I'll post pictures later). When we were snuggling to warm up afterwards, I hugged Cole and said, "Why do I love you so much?" He smiled and said, "I know why I love you." When I asked why, this was his reply, "Because you lift 'heby' things for me, you open drinks for me, you give me money for the snack machine at school, you do good things for me, you always give me kisses, help me do my data, help me make my chocolate milk, help me go potty and you love me...that's it!" He always has great answers. Earlier when I asked him why almost every night he ends up in my bed at some point, he said "because you have a magnet in your body and it makes me go to you." I cracked up. Ooooh!! I never knew I had magnetism before!

Visit with Dad

Cole's dad is working in Houston for 8 weeks. He came to Austin this past weekend. We spoke to him on Friday and he was going to spend Saturday with Cole and was going to call first thing in the morning to make plans. He didn't call until after 12:00 which I find so frustrating since he hasn't seen Cole since May. It was pouring down rain and half the town was seeing some flooding, so plans were limited. My mom and I had decided to take Cole to a movie (since we hadn't heard from him) so I suggested he take him. He agreed and we met at the mall. I had been talking to Cole about seeing his dad so he was excited and went running towards him as soon as he saw him. Both my mom and I got teary eyed. The exchanged a long hung and I handed him the car seat and sent them on their way. They went to a movie and my mom and I went to another. Cole's dad wanted to go to the bookstore afterwards so he took Cole. After our movie was over I called him and he needed to bring Cole back to me because he had dinner plans. We met up again and he said that he wanted to come watch Cole play hockey on Sunday. I said that he was welcome to have Cole on Sunday before hockey if he wanted to spend some more time with him. He crumpled up his face, like I had just spit into his coffee and then offered him a drink. Ummm, okay guess not. We didn't hear from him until about 15 minutes before hockey started on Sunday. He was late because he went to the wrong hockey rink, but did make it. So I peacefully sat next to him throughout the practice and made small talk (I'm grimacing as I type this). Cole did seem to enjoy seeing him and hopefully he'll come visit him a few more times. All I ever wanted is for them to have a relationship, so baby steps are better than none at all.

At the Y-M-C-A

As I mentioned in a previous post Cole and I joined the YMCA. We have really enjoyed it thus far. The sound of the racquetball reverberating off the wall, the squeak of the tennis shoes on the basketball court, and sweating old men (which when I was a kid were probably mid-twenties, early thirties), feel like home to me. Growing up my dad ran the Air Force base gym. As kids, my brother and I spent our summer "vacations" at work with him. We would get up before the sun came up and spent the entire day there. We would play tennis, basketball, racquetball, run the track and swim all day....it was a kids paradise.

The YMCA reminds me so much of that time. Except now the sweating old men are in their late 40's, 50's and even older. Not a "meatheads" or "barbies" in sight. It is so kid friendly. Cole and I have been going almost nightly (not Sunday's gotta rest some time). They have a great mini-gym that Cole can play in why I get my work-out done and every night afterwards we do something together, hula-hoop, basketball, or most often chase each other around the track.

I signed up for five personal training sessions. My personal trainer is Seymore, he's middle-aged, very tall and sinewy and quite dorky actually. He has a very calm and mild manner. We had our first sessions tonight. I thought I was going to die. I haven't worked that hard in years. I was mentally cussing Seymore and myself for getting this way in the first place (ahhh what depression and stress can do to you). I was sweating like a pig (do pigs sweat?) , gallons and gallons of sweat. About halfway through the hour long training session, I asked Seymore if he was trying to kill me, I reminded him that it took me years to get my body this way and we didn't have to try to completely change it in one night, he cracked up.....I wasn't kidding! I'm sore in places I never knew existed. Afterwards we had a great stretching sessions and I was so sore and dying I didn't even care that he was touching my legs (to help me stretch).

After my suicide training session, Cole and I did "Mommy and me" Yoga. Seymore is also the instructor (his mild manner is great with the kids). It was so much fun. There were about 15 people in the class and Cole and I both had a wonderful time...even though every move caused me intense agony. Anyway...over two hours after arriving we went home and I took a scalding hot shower, took some Tylenol and said a prayer that I will be able to walk tomorrow.

Dreams

This morning Cole said he had two dreams last night. When I asked him what they were about he said "shotting" (pronounced shot - ing) and "being naked". Interesting combination. He said in his "shotting dream some T-rexs were trying to get his class and he was shooting at them." The "naked" dream he was "naked on my shoulders"....HMMMM, I didn't ask any further questions about that one. Wonder what Freud would have to say about those dreams?

Happy New Year

Happy New Year 2007! Well I've officially been blogging for a year now. It's been a great stress relief and I've enjoyed going back to review some of my posts to recap my year. I know 2007 is going to be a better year for me. I've finally got some money in savings and I'm about to start school full-time. My grandma gave me some money to join a gym one of my Christmas gifts so Cole and I joined the YMCA and I'm excited about getting active again. I finally feel better emotionally, mentally, etc. I'm ready to get my life back on tract.

I think today was a great start for the New Year. It was sunny and beautiful. Cole and I walked to this great park that is about 3/4 of a mile from my mom's house. We had a picnic lunch, played on the playground, hiked for about an hour on the trails, sat on a little bridge listening and watching the running stream (it was really flowing thanks to the recent rains). There is nothing more relaxing than the sound of running water. It was a wonderful day and I'm ready to face the new year.