Sunday, January 29, 2006


Today was a chilly winter day...oh wait...I'm sorry it was a beautiful, sunny 80 degree winter day. Cole and I met Granny at the park for a picnic. We had lunch under a shade tree and played some baseball. While we were sitting there, a boy rode by on a unicycle, when I pointed him out to Cole, he cried out "A unicycle". My mom and I looked at him in amazement, how in the heck did he even know the word "unicycle"?

We spent a few hours at the park. I got to play with him on the playscape. He nimbly climbs the ladders and gracefully slides down the slides, always asking me to join in. I try to lumber my way up the stairs, praying I don't fall and make a fool of myself and then follow him down the slide, yelling "WEEEE" with my hands in the air, as I'm directed. Two girls were throwing rocks (why is someone ALWAYS throwing rocks...and where are their parents). They called Cole a little kid and he said "no, I'm bigger, I'm this many (holding up 3 fingers) and they called him a little kid again. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, they called me little, am I little?" Of course, I said no. He looked at them and said "See, I told my Mommy on you two and she said, I'm bigger." Afterwards, he told every kid (and parent) that came by that he was bigger. At the top of a playscape he did a headfirst roll at the top of a slide (on purpose), he also had to slide face-forward and on his back. At this particular park they have an area where you can hold onto a handle and then slide from one platform to another. I'm so surprised how strong he is. He held on all by himself and went back an forth many times. Then he repeated this, one-handed. Such a boy!

After the park, my mom took him home for a few hours, so I could stop by work and get some things done. They stopped at the grocery store to get some things for dinner and she said he wanted a bag of popcorn because "he loves it" and "has been eating it for years." The sayings that come out of his mouth make me laugh.

What a fun and relaxing, Sunday.

Too old

Last week one of the nurses at work got free tickets to a comedy show downtown for Friday night. I was invited to go with several other people. First of all, the show didn't even start until 10 pm (past my bedtime). My mom agreed to watch Cole for a few hours and then bring him back to my place for bedtime. My mom graciously said to have fun and not worry about rushing home (even though she had to be up VERY early the next day for a work function).

The night started out fun, me and two other girls (Maureen and Leah) were going to ride together and grab some dinner. We went to my brothers work (or Obo's castle as Cole calls it) to park (valet parking for $2) it is much easier to park there than pay $10 on 6th street and you only have to 1 block to get to 6th. We had a great margarita for free...thanks Obo.

We then went to have dinner and "Obo" came to join flirt with Marueen...wink,wink. We had a great time just being stupid and hanging out. We then moved to the comedy show at Esther's Folly's. It's been at least 6 years since I have been there and some of the skits are similiar but still worth a good laugh. Much of the humor is poltically motivated and there were two younger people in our group that didn't laugh much at these skits. I think the magician was the best part, HOW DID THEY DO THAT?

The show ended close to midnight. Maureen and Leah wanted to go somewhere else for awhile. At this point, I was thinking "I need to get home" but was trying to not ruin the mood. They choose a dance club that was 18 and otherwords....99% 18 year olds. The music was urban rap. I didn't find these places fun when I was 18. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance (even though I have no rythym), but to music I have heard before. Dry humping on the floor to rap, not my thing. Besides, Maureen is young, cute, and can MOVE. I felt like her mother, I stood there holding her purse and jacket, trying to plan my escape, feeling like the overweight, aging blob that I am. Most of the time I can fake having fun. But I was way OUT of my element and comfort zone here, beside I was just thinking of how late it was and my mom that had to be up early. I hated myself for ruining their fun, but since we rode together and my keys were in Leah's car, I was stuck. So, thankfully they took pity upon me and we left. So note to self, next time drive your own car (or at least carry your keys). If I follow these rules, I can leave while I'm still having fun and not drag the other people down. I was too old for this when I was twenty and thirty is downright over the hill. So thanks guys, for taking me out and I'm sorry I ruined your last hour, but I'm too old for that business. I'll leave the hip-hop dancing to the younger, groovy crowd, that won't pull something while trying to shake their groove thang.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I'm so mad, I could...CRY

One of the things I hate most about myself is that when I get angry I cry. This has always driven me crazy in my personal life, but when it happens at work it is even worse. This week has already been stressful and crazy.

The computers were down this morning and things just went downhill from there. It seems like everyone was on edge and in addition to trying to having organized chaos, I had to mediate many more petty disagreements than normal. I was very frustrated by the end of the day. With about an hour to go, I was told some things that just put me over the edge. I hate when I feel that way. Who wants to cry at work? Not me and people always assume you are upset. I'm not upset, I'm MAD. I just reminded myself that a few weeks ago I got a nice gift from everyone to let me know they appreciated least most of the time ;-). I took a deep breath and finished out my day. But, I still find myself this week over yet?

Monday, January 23, 2006

The greatest gift

A friend at work was asking me about having kids and being a parent, today. There is so much involved that I don't even know how to explain it to someone. Being a parent is the only job that you have to be "on" 24-7, if you are sick, you are tired, you have had a bad day, doesn't matter you still have someone that is depending on you. I wouldn't trade being a mother for anything in the world. Having a child is the most challenging and most rewarding job I have ever had. It has given me such a better view of the "big picture" and has made me focus on the things that are really important in life. I am such a stronger person mentally, because I am more grounded. No matter what, my most important job is being a mom and continuing to learn from my mistakes.

When I was growing up, I always wanted to be married and have two kids. A year or so after Cole was born, I realized that having two kids just wasn't in the cards for me. Even then, I knew my marriage wasn't strong enough and he wasn't the parent that I wanted and needed him to be. I have known some people that have one child and wanted another so bad, they lost focus on what they already had. I promised myself, I would never do that. My own grandmother, STILL says I need to "have another one". I am greatly proud of the child that I have and will never be bitter or focus on what isn't meant to be. My dream of my life has taken a different path, and let's be honest, being a single parent of one child is hard enough. I am lucky that Cole is loved by so many people (Granny, Papa, and Obo) who give him so much love. He will get to experience so many things because he has our undivided attention.

So, I guess what I am saying matter what, you are truly never prepared for having a kid. It's a constant learning process and just when you think you have it figured out, you are thrown a curve-ball. But, it is worth every minute and every set-back. Cole is the greatest gift that my marriage gave me.

Sunday, January 22, 2006


This was the first morning in months that we woke up to rain. It rained and was cold all day, two things we haven't had much of this winter. The weather has been so warm that every weekend Cole and I are doing something with my mom, outside. It was nice to stay home today. I got a million little things done that I have needed to do (clean out the fridge, etc.). I even did my homework two days early and that NEVER happens. We kept the TV off all day and while I cleaned, Cole played. I love to listen to him while he plays, he talks the entire time, directing traffic with the cars, making landing strips for the planes, making animated "Ca-Pow" sounds while conducting fights among the "good" and "bad" Buzz Lightyears. Sometimes I wish I could still just slip into my imagination and get away. We had the radio on for awhile and danced around like fools. We even played indoor baseball, following Cole's rules of course. He's fun to play with but he is bossy too, (don't know where he gets that). He will tell you where to stand, count out loud for your turn, sometimes even tell you what to say.

We eventually ventured out to the grocery store and we even had a good time there. He helped me count out the apples and then load the groceries onto the belt. He didn't even beg for candy this trip and he stayed in the cart the entire time (someone pinch me I must have been dreaming).

Later on, we were getting ready to go to dinner at my parents house and I was helping him put his shoes on. I placed my head on his stomach, closing my eyes, and made snoring sounds, he gently cupped my face and said into my ear "Rock-a-doodle-do, time to wake up Mommy". Rock-a-doodle-do, I think I like that better than the originial saying! So, in the morning I will wake Cole up with a Rock-a-doodle-do and start a new week.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Why ask why?

When Cole was an infant I would watch him and dream of the day he could talk. Those first couple of years seemed so quiet (except when pierced by crying) and I would always think, "I wish he could tell me what he wanted." I would talk non-stop to him and pray for the day he could answer back. Well, be careful what you wish for ;-). Now, there is never a moment of silence around the house. Have to go to the bathroom? Cole sits on the stool and talks to me while I conduct my business. Need to shower? Same thing. After I pick him up from school it is non-stop chatter and "stories" which keep me laughing. Followed by, "Mommy, look at this." You can only say "not right now, I'm driving" so many times before you get tired of your own voice. The chatter doesn't bother me, the "why?' drives me insane. I don't mind answering him when it is a legitimate question, but I don't even attempt to make up answers for the "why's" that are meant to slowly drive me insane. The other night we were out to dinner with friends and someone asked "why" and Cole looked sternly at her and said "don't say THAT, my mommy doesn't like that word." She stopped for a minute, repeating to herself what she had said (she thought maybe she said a bad word). She looked at me quizzically until I explained. Way to go COLE! Now, "why" won't he stop saying "why"? Oh yeah, I forget he hasn't made me completely gray yet.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Chocolate anyone?

I love Friday's because it is the only day of the week I don't have to be at work by 7:00 and can sleep in (and besides it's FRIDAY!). Cole is usually wide awake and we get to spend some time together before the day starts. This morning after we ate breakfast I started to get Cole dressed for school. He asked if he could have a mini-peanut butter cup (okay not the best after breakfast snack, but not going to ruin his life either)...he took two. I got his shirt on and then sent him in to go potty before putting his pants on. A few minutes later I saw him waddling down the hall and when I turned to look he had an impish smirk on his face. I was thinking, oh great, he probably has poop stuck on his butt or something. He gets to me and turns around and there wedged between his cute little butt cheeks is a peanut butter cup, he turns and says "Mommy, do you want some chocolate from my butt?". I laughed so hard...I mean how does he think of this stuff. I promise I didn't teach him that trick! At least the candy was still wrapped ;-) . So, be warned if you are reading this and ever come to visit you might think twice before eating any candy you never know where it might have been.

P.S. I didn't eat the candy, but he sure did! YUMMY!

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Today was a good day. Cole was back to his charming and funny self. He had a good day at "school" and we spent an hour at home before hitting the gym. I got to workout for an uninterrupted hour and then go to the grocery store. On the way home he said there was a monster in my trunk but he'd "protet" me and I would "be safe because he's my hero". When we got home he opened the trunk for me and scared the monster away. We stood outside and watched " Baluna" Cole's Dora the explorer interpretation of la luna (the moon). After his bath he was sitting on my lap while I put his PJ's on and he asked me why my legs were "pokey". Ha, ha! Guess, I still need to shave for the "man" in my life!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The joys of motherhood part deuce

This morning we arrived at daycare with pancakes in hand. I was bracing myself for the battle of wills to follow. But, Cole was so excited he had pancakes. He rushed in to tell his teacher, sat down at the table and poured his syrup and began eating. A sweet, sticky kiss and I was on my way to work. I smelled the hint of syrup on and off through the day and would smile when I thought of him.
After work, I rushed to pick him up. I have recently began working out (too many years of letting myself go and putting myself last). I already feel guilty that he spends at least 9-10 hours in daycare a day. Now, I pick him up and he spends an hour at the gym daycare. More guilt...the last few weeks I have repeatly informed the nagging inner guilty voice in my head that this hour of sacrifice on both our parts will make me a better mom. Anyhow...most workouts are interrupted by the gym daycare teacher coming to get me because he needs to go potty and only wants me. I rush red face and sweaty into the room to find he has already gone potty and is just waiting in the bathroom for me. I try to pry myself and promise him I'll be done soon and go back and finish. Tonight, I was twenty minutes into a workout and they came to get me. He had just finished going potty and did not want me to leave. I told him I would be back soon, but he fell on the floor and grasped onto my leg. No amount of convincing would work. I HATE these is like a movie everyone goes quiet and turns to stare. Cole's favorite thing to do when we get home is watch JO-JO (a cartoon) while I feed the animals, etc. Once, I pried him from my leg I again tried to reason with him. Finally, I said that if he didn't stop screaming we were going to leave and when we got home no TV. He screamed louder. So, I gathered my screaming kid and went home. The entire way he cried. I am so frustrated and was almost in tears myself when we came home. No mother wants to make their child cry. I already feel soooo guilty and I know he only wanted to spend time with me. I felt like such an awful parent. However, I do stick to what I say and when we got home, there was no TV. After bath, he said sorry and I asked him why and he said because "he screamed at mommy and didn't listen to her words." I hope thing will get easier with time. Luckily, he doesn't do this too often. He will not act like this for months and then will have several bad days. Luckily, he doesn't hold a grudge (at least not yet) and was all hugs and kisses before bed.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The joys of motherhood....sigh!

Every night before bed we get out Cole's clothes for the day and discuss what he will eat for breakfast. For a 3 year old he KNOWS what he wants or doesn't want. Most days, this works. NOT TODAY! After an already late hectic morning we arrive at day care. We rush in with the dog waiting in the car, I sit Cole down and produce his blueberry muffins that he requested the night before (after making a special trip to the grocery store yesterday) and the screaming, no wait SCREECHING began. He wanted pancakes. I tried to reason (yeah, with a 3 year old, don't know what I was thinking), I begged, I pleaded, I bargained (pancakes for dinner) nothing worked. There were two other moms and two daycare teachers watching (the mom's secretly relieved it wasn't their kid). Finally, I walked away, while he SCREECHED "MOMMMMMMMM...MMMYYYYY" (did I mention he was screeching?). And, because I'm a wussy parent, I made it to the front door and turned back. I picked him up from his chair (nicely, remember I had an audience) and took him to the room next door to try to calm him down. Finally, after he stopped sobbing enough to hear me, I promised pancakes for dinner and gave him a choice to go back to his class or sit up front with another teacher. No, he wanted to go to work with me. I reminded him Bullet (the dog) was in the car and I needed to go. WHOOPS, bad mommy, he REALLY wanted to go to work to help me with Bullet. Finally, I handed him to the teacher up front where he collapsed on the floor in tears. I took a deep breath and left. The poor dog was sitting in the driver's seat when I got to the car and wouldn't move at that point I was about ready to scream myself (luckily the dog moved). I hate mornings like that. The stress of being at work late and the stress of seeing your child in a screaming puddle on the floor is enough to drive a sane person crazy.

When I picked Cole up this afternoon, his teacher reassured me he cried only for several minutes after I left and the rest of day went well. He is a smart kid and I know he only does those things to challenge me. On mornings, I am more awake and prepared, I have lies....oh wait....excuses handy (the latest was after arriving at daycare and wanting a dougnut from the grocery store, I said it was closed because a car crashed into the window (he is facinated with cars and crashing) the next day he was amazed the "winnow was all fixed up"). I know, I know you should never lie to your kids but it works much better than saying "we dont' have time", etc.

So, back to the pancakes...did Cole ever get them?...You bet, the wussy parent took him to IHOP for dinner before the gym. He 2 entire pancakes and has leftovers for the morning (I know now he'll want muffins). He was funny and charming at dinner. He "tooted" real loud and when I reminded him to say excuse me, he replied "that wasn't a toot, it was a train's whistle". Oh, a laugh is what I needed!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

5 weird things about me

Its a meme, from the Library Lady.

1. I have double-jointed fingers that no one else in my family has. I'm proud..hee.hee to say that Cole has inherited this strange trait along with my sweaty hands and need to take his shoes off as soon as he gets home (the need to be unclothed however...DOES NOT come from me ;-) )

2. I have never done drugs of ANY kind EVER. I haven't even just puffed... "but not inhaled" (hello Bill Clinton....and Mom, tsk, tsk) and I have only been drunk once in my entire life.

3. I have one strange hair that grows in coarse and curly (oooh, yuck) on the left underside of my head. I will obsess until I search and destroy this hair. Ever tried to cut a single hair from the back of your head? Not fun, my friends, nor easy. But the hair must be defeated.

4. I was pigeon-toed as a child and had to wear corrective shoes and am still "knocked kneed" till this day. Nuf said.

5. I have a secret fear that despite the fact that my world revolves around Cole one day he will break my heart and want to go live with his dad. I know this is probably unlikely but I can't stop thinking about it and hello...he is only 3. Just another thing to the things that keep me up at night.

I herby infect Kathryn, Mom, Leah, Jill, Molly.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

What a day

Whew...what a day. It's 8:00 pm and I'm finally sitting down to dinner. It was a crazy day at work. I was supposed to leave @ 4:00 but there was no way I was getting out of there on time. After leaving after 5:00, dropping a co-worker off to get her car, picking Cole up from day care, getting him dinner, going to the gym (cardio I so old and out of shape), we finally arrived home @ 7:45 pm. I'm almost too tired to eat. Gave Cole a quick bath and played our good-night kiss game and started some laundry. life is filled with excitment. Actually, I wouldn't change it for the world. I laugh at work when co-workers say "I need to get a life" or "go out and have some fun". To each his life is fun and enjoyable. Hearing "Mommy, I love you" can wipe any bad day away. Cole is all the entertainment (and work) I need. Yesterday, my day care was closed and my parents were off work so they kept Cole. When I arrived Cole was playing the "mommy" and my dad was the baby (not too far from the truth). Cole was making him "Beef Strong-enough". Each time he would bring the "baby" a meal, he would request something else. He was a very patient "mommy". My mom said they had played various games all day. My mom and Cole went to the park and they played fireman for quite awhile. My mom got to get the imanginary hose while Cole ran all around the park "putting out the fire". When it was time to leave, Cole was all out of kisses and had to make some more (picture lots of rapid hand movements). He talked my ear off the entire way to the gym. After the gym, we went back to my work and installed new software until 10:00 pm. He followed me around looking in all the drawers. Finally, he located a stethoscope and he was the doctor. He cracked me up because I called him Dr. Littlefeather and he said "NO...I'm Dr. Martin" (she is one of the doctors I work with). He had to listen to my chest and ...backside, the fish tank, the doors, etc. When we got the doctor's office he saw a picture of Dr. Martin and Dr. Bryant's daughters and he said "those are my girls, Ana and Fafe (Faith)". Finally, we were done and it was time to go home, sleep, and start all over again.

Monday, January 02, 2006

GOOD BYE 2005!

Well, 2005 is officially over...thank god! 2006 HAS GOT to be a better year for me. 2005 was not good for my personal life. It was just a challenging year. My marriage was failing and I agonized over whether or not to end it or continue for the sake of our son. I'm sad to say that I could have lived without him being a husband to me, but I needed him to be a father and when that need couldn't be met, it was the deal breaker. It was so hard going to work everyday and trying to carry on as normal when you are dying inside. Especially, when you are a manager and are supposed to act like nothing EVER bothers you (afraid I didn't do such a great job of that at times). The last few months before the decision was made was awful. I felt like such a failure and a disappointment. Luckily the support of my family and the love of my son kept me going. Once, we had moved out the sense of relief was bittersweet. In some ways, I still can't believe I was strong enough to enter the new phase on my own. Luckily, our son didn't blink an eye through all the moving and changes. He is the only thing that keeps me sane. Just listening to him and experiencing new things with him, keeps me going and laughing. If I had to do over the past few years I would, because Cole was worth all the heartbreak. I look forward to what the new year will bring for Cole and I. I'm very content with me life right now and feel none of the desperation to be involved with someone that I did when I was in my twenties. I want to just enjoy this time being a mommy.