Bummed out

Saturday my parents were having new windows installed in their house. If you are looking for a way to entertain a five-year-old boy for endless hours, hire some workers to come break your windows pane by pane, pry apart the old sill, and then install new windows. Cole was mesmerized. There was a crew of about 5 guys working on the house. They were all very polite and friendly especially with a kid in the audience. I was especially impressed when one of the guys got whacked in the face by a piece of the window sill he was prying off and just smiled, not a cuss word to be heard.

Cole really took a liking to one of the men. The guy was very sweet to Cole and tolerated his myriad of questions. They talked about Transformers and a few other cartoons. Cole followed him around like a shadow, talking a mile a minute, barely pausing for a breath. I could hear him telling the man all sorts of things about himself and telling him about his various toys. The man even sprayed a large happy face on the windows to entertain Cole when he was cleaning up at the end.

It is incidences like this that stop me in my tracks. It makes me realize how much a little boy needs a father and breaks my heart all over again. I'm foolish to think that I can be all things to Cole, but still not even close to being ready to even consider dating again. It's been over two years and I still feel like a walking wounded. I was eating lunch with some friends today and one of them hit the nail on the head. It wasn't that Cole's dad was the love of my life and I'm suffering from that loss. It was the fact that he is such a loser as a parent that has affected me greatly. Oh well, I guess I will just keep on keeping on, besides I wouldn't even date me :-)

A quick update on my Grandpa. He was transferred from the rehab place back to the hospital last night. My grandma wasn't sure why???????? Apparently he was in severe pain last night and they diagnosed a UTI according to her. They couldn't get him to wake up at all today and my grandma still had no more answers. My mom made some calls tonight to his various nurses and found out he has sepsis. The nurse advised my mom to wait one more day before deciding if she should come immediately, but things aren't looking good. We are starting to try to make arrangements for when and how we all are going to get to Arizona. My mom asked me if I had thought about when he dies, if I would take Cole to the funeral. Besides the fact that I would have too, because we will be out of town, I think I would anyway. I took him to my dad's father's funeral several years ago although he really didn't know that "Great Papa" very well. Sadly, death is apart of life.

I used to be a baby dinosaur?

When I am in school Cole's nightly bedtime story isn't always a kid's book, especially the night before a test. Last semester I often read to Cole from my physics book which put him to sleep in seconds (me too for that matter). This semester it hasn't worked so well. When I read to him from my science book he enjoys it and I am peppered with questions.

Tonight I was reading to him (AKA studying for a test). One of the 8 chapters my test is on (yes I said 8----welcome to summer school) is reproduction. We have talked before about where babies come from and he has been fascinated by stories of my pregnancy, especially the part of him kicking me in the ribs. I have also told him about how when I first found out I was pregnant he was as small as a peanut and kinda of shaped like one, so that's what I called him in the beginning "peanut". He loves that story.

On one of the pages was a diagram of the progression from embryo to fetus. Cole was enthralled. As I was showing him the pictures, he looks at me his eyes wide with wonder and asks in awe "I used to be a baby DINOSAUR?" I started laughing so hard my eyes watered. When I looked at the picture again, it did look like a baby dinosaur. Kids are so funny. I think he was actually disappointed when I told him that he wasn't a dinosaur. :-)

:-(

I just completed the second week of Summer II, only 3 weeks to go. This semester in addition to being fast paced with difficult material has been rough on me as a mom. I see Cole for about 45 minutes max a day. I wake him up and drive him to daycare. I work eight to nine hours then head to evening classes. I'm home around 8:30PM and we spend a few minutes together before it's off to bed. This crazy schedule keeps him up later than normal but at least we get to spend a few moments together.

My mom has been taking on the majority of raising my son, which I'm thankful for but still sad about. It's truly amazing how much I miss him during the day. The quick call in between classes gets me through the evening. He has been extra loving and overjoyed to see me. He is leached onto me during the evening and has been very helpful. At least we have the weekends together.

My dad has actually gotten in on the action. He picked Cole up two days in a row from school and they got along well until my mom got home. My mom will most likely have to go out of town before I finish this semester and he will have to pick up Cole.

My grandfather fell and broke his hip last week and isn't doing well. He was already weak and underweight. He has become malnourished and is not doing well. My mom is going to fly to Arizona to be with my grandparents. It's depressing to think of my grandfather in this type of condition. He just has no fight left. Ten years ago, he said he was ready to go at any time. At what point do you stop living and you start waiting to die?

Cole's first fishin' trip!

Cole finally got to go fishing! I finally had an entire weekend off, the weather was nice, and we were both in good health so we headed out to Lake Pflugerville to spend the day with Vetmommy's family. Mr. Vetmommy taught us both how to fish and we had a good time. Cole actually caught a handful of fish. His favorite part? Letting them go of course! We also swam for awhile in the nice cool lake and had a fun "sea weed" fight with the kids. Here are some fishing photos. Notice the enormous size of those fish!

Science Fair

I had my first night of class tonight. I rushed home after 8 PM and Cole was already asleep :-(

The class I'm taking is a science class that is aimed at teaching science to K-8th grade. I have to do a science fair project, YIKES! I loved these in school, but it has been years. Suggestions anyone?

Bummer of a Summer

So far this summer has been all work and very little play. Between work, summer school, and all the rain we've been mostly kept indoors. Most summers we spent at the pool and I can count on one hand how many times we've been this year.

This weekend we had swimming, the movies, and a fishing date with vetmommy and her family planned. Unfortunately, Cole got sick. He spiked a fever on Saturday and we spent several hours at the after hours clinic and then resting at home. He ran a fever all day today but was in good spirits when the Motrin kicked in (other than taking his antibiotic). He was disappointed about missing his first fishing experience, but I promised him we would try again soon.

The next five weeks won't be much fun either, I'm afraid. I start the second semester of summer school on Monday. After working 8 or 9 hours I will be taking evening classes and won't be home until Cole is going to bed. My mom will be picking him up after school. Boy it's tough to let others take care of your kid. I'm just trying to keep my eye on my goals to get me through this summer. At least I'll finally have Saturdays free to spend with him the rest of the summer.

Hopefully after summer school is over, we can visit a water park, Six Flags, or SeaWorld. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Independence Day

The 4th of July for most Americans means our Nation's birthday. For others it is their wedding anniversary (Missy and Leah). For me it was the day Cole's dad and I decided to get a divorce. Things had been bad for over a year. We were in the car on the way home and I just simply said that I couldn't do this anymore. He agreed. After we were home, while we watch Cole play in the driveway with our neighbors kids, we started to hash things out. Who would stay in the house, who got what, etc. The dirty business of divorce, in the beginning wasn't so dirty for us. We were like two strangers at a garage sale just looking at our belongings like they were inventory and making arrangements.

It was eye opening for me, even at that time, when he said he only wanted to see Cole "every month or so." Who knew that "once a month", even when he lived ten minutes away was never?

Later that night after Cole was in bed I told him for the final time that if he/we got counseling I would try again. He looked me in the eye and coldly said, "I know I need help, but I like who I am and I'm not willing to change." And that was the end.There were no tears, no hysterics, no arguing, begging, or pleading all of that was over months prior. It was just the end. In many ways it was a relief.

I walked back into my room, called my mom and said, "Mom, I think I'm getting a divorce." The rest was like a slow motion dream. While he went out and partied at night, I packed up our life. On weekends I searched for a place to live and Cole and I moved out of the house. The rest is history.

I am no longer the same person I once was and will never be that person again. My hopes and dreams changed on that Independence Day, but I'm stronger because of it.

Death and dying

I never noticed until I had a kid that a lot of kid's movies involve someone or something dying. Lately, Cole has had a zillion questions about death and dying. I try to answer his questions and try to steer the topic somewhere else, which can be difficult. Cole is very persistent when he wants to know about something.

Yesterday after lunch with friends we were getting back into the car. Out of the blue he says, "Mom, I'm going to love you forever. Even after you're dead, I'm still going to love you. You know how in the Big Z movie they celebrated Big Z's life after he was dead? When you die I'm going to have a life celebration for you." It was macabre and touching at the same time. Just the same, I hope he has a new focus on topics of conversation in the very near future.