This afternoon I had my last final of the semester. I was done by 1:00 pm and picked Cole up from school during nap time. I sat next to him and kissed his cheek, he lazily opened his eyes and pulled me down for a hug and said "lets get outta of here." We headed to his future "big boy school" to register him for Kindergarten.
He was sleepily telling me about his few hours at school and then he got silent. In a sleepy, one octive away from a whine or crying voice, he said out of the blue, "Why doesn't my dad come to see me?" My heart broke. Whenever he asks about him, I always carefully weigh my answers. I reminded him that his dad moved to New York. He said, "how could my dad move and not see me anymore?" I said his dad moved to be close to his family. "Why doesn't my dad call me?" I don't know how to respond, because your dad is a cold-hearted bastard that can't love anyone...no mom can't say that. I told him that I have his dad's number and he could call him. He thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe tomorrow. I'm going to ask him how come he can't visit me." I said that I was sorry. He asked what I was sorry for. I couldn't answer, sorry that complete strangers can love his son but he was never able to, sorry that his dad completely abandoned financially and emotionally his own child, sorry that I've had to fight tooth and nail to make his dad take some responsibility for him, sorry that his dad still can't be bothered to call, can't be bothered to put mail an insurance card for his son, sorry that his dad can't be there take on some of the hardwork of parenting, sorry that his dad can't support Cole as he experiences all the new things in life, where does this list of things I'm sorry for end?
Most of all I'm sorry that Cole at some point will wonder if any of this is his fault. The older he gets the harder the questions and answers will become. As a mother I want to spare Cole from any pain and while I know this is not possible, I can't imagine how he will feel being abandoned by a parent. As he gets older and is figuring out who he is as a person, how will this impact him? As much I try I can't me both mother and father. Watching a 'good' father play and interact with his kids is bittersweet and unbearably sad.
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6 comments:
That is so touchingly poignant. I didn't realize either that Cole was aware of the absence of his dad. His life is so busy and full of love I thought he'd be blissfully unaware for a few years more. You handled it, as always, with grace and dignity.
my heart just broke reading this....I don't know how you keep from showing the hurt, anger and tears from him. I wouldn't know what to say. Give Cole E Bug a kiss for me.
I knew, eventually, he would start asking questions. I just thought it would be later. My heart goes out to you and Cole...I realize how lucky I was to recognize at such a young age myself, that my parents were much better off apart. I wish Cole had had a chance to see that, but R was hardly there from the beginning.
Cole's very lucky to have a mother like you. Other mothers would not work so hard to not villanize their childrens' fathers. They fail to realize that their child has inherited the "best" from their father.
I just wish it didn't have to hurt the children so much to be the best of their fathers.
*hugs* from Boston. It shows what kind of mother you really are to not let the words you use with Cole about R be a reflection of your disappointment in R. I know it is hard to do this. Chin up. You are creating a wonderful little man there. He gets so much more from you then he could ever get in r. (I don't even want to capitalize his initial anymore he is that small). Cole can't understand that now, but in time, he will. New York is just a few hours away from me. How long does it take to get a gun again? Haha just kidding. But the sick part of me thinks how easy it was for my mother to tell me, when I asked where my father was, that he had died when I was really young. I'm not saying to tell him that at all. But wouldn't it be nice and easy? Hang in there sweets!
I wish there was a way to erase his doubts and your sadness, but there isn't. Know that you are doing an incredible job as a mother, and that Cole really is an incredible kid. Reading your post reminds me once again how lucky I am to have John. I hope you will consider coming out to Rain Creek again sometime, you are both always welcome with us.
My heart bleeds for your son. I'm so very sorry.
JJ
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