Wednesday, May 30, 2007

"My new great Dad"

This morning as I was getting ready for work, Cole came sleepily walking past me and mumbled "I had a dream about my new great Dad...can I take a bath?". I didn't ask any questions and ran him an early morning bath.

On the way to work he again mentioned he had a dream. He said he had a dream about his "new great dad. He was tall, not like my old dad. He was nice, not like my old dad, he was funny, not like my old dad, he liked to see me, not like my old dad. He calls me Cole Littlebrother because he thinks it's funny. You were in the dream too, you were laughing because my new dad is funny."

I was thinking, OMG if he says "he loves me, not like my old dad" I'm going to break down driving down the road. As it was, I was tearing up and since I was driving and I couldn't wrap my arms around him, I awkwardly snaked one arm around the seats and stroked his ankle, which was the only skin I could reach. We are like Humpty Dumpty, just trying to put the pieces back together again.

Monday, May 28, 2007

The comforts of home

Living back at home has been an interesting experience, challenging in some ways and rewarding in others. It has been a strange trip down memory lane. Cole played T-ball at the same fields that we spent so much time at as kids. I really felt like I was "home" at the fields and I'm glad that I got to share this part of my life with Cole.

We also joined the neighborhood pool that I spent most of my summers at. One of the perks of this pool, is the after-hours availabilty. Each member is giving keys to the gates for after-hour access. Tonight Cole and I headed to the pool after dinner. We had the pool to ourselves and the memories of time time spent there as a teenager came flooding back. I felt like a kid again, diving for rings and jumping off the diving board, we had a great time and I'm looking forward to spending our evenings there this summer.

Friday, May 25, 2007

We've come a long way baby

I was a horrible bike rider as a kid. I just didn't ride that much and was never very brave when I did ride. The thing that scared me the most about the triathalon was getting back on a bike. As we have continued to practice I've slowly become more comfortable. I still have to calm myself down when I'm on a road with cars, but I can already tell I'm getting physically stronger.

Before I had kids, I would always think about the things I would love to do with them when I was a parent. One of those things was riding bikes together, but I figured I'd never do this since I hadn't been on a bike in years.

Since Cole's school closed early today, I knew I would be getting out of work early. Last night I loaded our bikes up on the car and as soon as I picked him up, we headed to the Veloway.

He looked so grown up and cute in his helmet and sunglasses. We rode the entire 3 mile loop (it took 40 minutes but he finished). We had a great time. Cole took a couple spills careening down the hills and ended up with a scraped knee. But, each time he got back up and kept on. He made it up all the small hills, pumping his legs and his face scrunched up in concentration. The steep heel (that only a month ago, I couldn't make it up) he had to get off and push. His favorite part was riding through the water puddles.

We've both come so far this year.

Monday, May 21, 2007


I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. This weekend was jammed packed. Both mornings started out with open water 1/2 mile swims in preparation for the triathalon that is a mere three weeks away...GULP.

During the swim on Saturday we also practiced the group mass start that will be a part of the swimming on race day. Nothing like try to swim while you are being kicked, scratched, and people are swimming on top of your legs, while you gulp down mouthfuls of lukewarm algae green lake water. After the swim, I rushed to Cole's T-ball tournament game. Then I had to shop for a new swimsuit which is about as much fun as having my fingernails ripped out one-by-one. Then we went to a fair at the ballpark.

Sunday morning another open-water swim at a great lake in Pflugerville, it was pfun to swim with pfriends. I need to continue to practice in the open water to ease my anxiety of not being able to see or touch the bottom. We rushed back home to shower and then headed to Cole's T-ball end of the season party. I hate this type of things. I always feel awkard and hate making small talk. The dads were all grouped together outside, the moms inside. I spent the entire 3 hours playing with all the kids. The last several hours we all played baseball, talk about a great work-out. One adult vs. 8 kids, I was running and jumping all over the place. Then Cole and I had to head to my work. We have a big inspection coming up tomorrow. We worked for about 3 1/2 hours, I was exhausted (not to mention sore from swimming and running with the kids). After getting home and bathing Cole, I collapsed into bed, in seconds it seemed the alarm was going off again.

I worked all day today, left for Cole's last game (he's sad that he won't see his coach again), and returned to work for another 3 hours. So much for relaxing before summer school starts. I guess this is just a jammed pack time of year. After the inspection at work in the morning, hopefully things will slow down some.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


Cole graduated from Pre-K today. My mom and I went to his graduation "ceremony" it was cute. Of course, I watched with tears in my eyes (I'm such a sap). He looked so cute in his dress clothes. As soon as he was dressed, he twirled his tie around his finger and said, "Now I look like a man going to work." LOL.

Now this summer he can go on field trips with the "after school kids". He is so excited. Only a few more months now before "real school begins."

Go class of 2007!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Mother's Day

At Cole's pre-K the after-school kids helped his class write why they loved their moms. Here is what Cole said...

My mom is smart because...she knows how to clean the toilet

My mom is the greatest because...she drinks all her milk and because when I throw sticky worms on the celing she gets them down

Happy "Mudders" Day!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I wish I had all the answers

This afternoon I had my last final of the semester. I was done by 1:00 pm and picked Cole up from school during nap time. I sat next to him and kissed his cheek, he lazily opened his eyes and pulled me down for a hug and said "lets get outta of here." We headed to his future "big boy school" to register him for Kindergarten.

He was sleepily telling me about his few hours at school and then he got silent. In a sleepy, one octive away from a whine or crying voice, he said out of the blue, "Why doesn't my dad come to see me?" My heart broke. Whenever he asks about him, I always carefully weigh my answers. I reminded him that his dad moved to New York. He said, "how could my dad move and not see me anymore?" I said his dad moved to be close to his family. "Why doesn't my dad call me?" I don't know how to respond, because your dad is a cold-hearted bastard that can't love mom can't say that. I told him that I have his dad's number and he could call him. He thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe tomorrow. I'm going to ask him how come he can't visit me." I said that I was sorry. He asked what I was sorry for. I couldn't answer, sorry that complete strangers can love his son but he was never able to, sorry that his dad completely abandoned financially and emotionally his own child, sorry that I've had to fight tooth and nail to make his dad take some responsibility for him, sorry that his dad still can't be bothered to call, can't be bothered to put mail an insurance card for his son, sorry that his dad can't be there take on some of the hardwork of parenting, sorry that his dad can't support Cole as he experiences all the new things in life, where does this list of things I'm sorry for end?

Most of all I'm sorry that Cole at some point will wonder if any of this is his fault. The older he gets the harder the questions and answers will become. As a mother I want to spare Cole from any pain and while I know this is not possible, I can't imagine how he will feel being abandoned by a parent. As he gets older and is figuring out who he is as a person, how will this impact him? As much I try I can't me both mother and father. Watching a 'good' father play and interact with his kids is bittersweet and unbearably sad.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Vacation Pics

We are back from vacation :-( Everyone had a great time.

On Thursday we visited Disney World Animal Kingdom. They have so many interesting attractions. The details they put into each ride is amazing. The dinosaur ride was fun and scary. Cole was gripped onto us for dear life. The day was hot and Cole was starting to drag, so we decided to brave the water ride. Cole met a 'friend' in line and they held hands and talked non-stop and of course we had to ride together. They both want brothers and were so cute together. After the water ride, Cole was refreshed and ready to do for the remainder of the day. The last thing we did was a behind the scenes tour of how they take care of the animals which was very interesting. We even got to see the veterinary hospital on-site. We were tired by the end of the day (not to mention the aching feet). We cooled off in the hotel pool while Cole slide down the water slide a zillion times, so much for relaxing.

On Friday we went to the Magic Kingdom. This park is so big it is unbelievable. We rented a stroller, since on Thursday I carried Cole (on my shoulder, on my hips, on my back) a fair portion of the day. At the entrance to the park I had a major heart attack. We were there for the opening countdown and there was a mad rush through the ticket gates. My mom was ahead of us because she was headed for the stroller rental. Cole was next and through the gate in a flash. The ticket agent had stopped me to let in a stroller. Cole was lost in literally hundreds of people. I begged the agent to open my gate, while he just passively looked at me. Once I was through I went running through the crowd. Luckily I saw my mom looking back for me. It seems Cole had kept his eye on her and had ran straight to her. WHEW!

Magic Kingdom was awesome! Each area was like a city of it's own. The costumes the ride attendants wore were perfect for each ride. We visited each section. There is a good mix of old and new attractions. The wait times for rides were always less than the posted times and they have a great 'fast pass' system. You can put your ticket into 'fast pass' machine on a ride that has a long wait time. You get a card with a posted hour time frame to return to the ride. Then you by-pass the line and get straight on. It's so much fun walking by hundreds of people to hop on a ride.

It was so hot, I couldn't imagine visit the park during the summer. We were at the park from 9am to 6pm and were wiped out by then.

I felt luckily because throughout the entire trip we saw so many kids having total meltdowns (especially at the theme parks in the heat), but Cole was a trooper through everything. He had a great time and when we asked him what his favorite part of the trip was he says "everything!"

We heard accents from so many parts of the country and around the world. It was amazing.

Cole had saved all of his birthday money for the vacation and he bought a ton of stuff back, Mickey, "Fluto", Scooby Doo, pirate toys, space toys, dinosaurs to name just a few. I think he'll remember this trip for a long time. We will absolutely go again, someday.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Vacation Update

The pirate cruise was a blast last night. It was two hours of non-stop fun. They had wonderful activities planned for the kids; water gun battles, story time, treasure hunt, face painting, and dancing...LOTS of dancing. Cole did the YMCA, the chicken dance, the electric slide and freestyle. He's made friends everywhere we have gone and enjoyed playing with the kids.

Today was for beach and pool time. I think I'll be finding sand for weeks to come. We took some time to go to a Holocaust musuem which was very moving and educational for Cole.

Tonight we went to a pirate party at our resort. Cole volunteered to be a pirate in training and as part of his initiation a dad (of the other two pirates in training) and I had to have a dance off. I won! We looked so funny. Cole was lauging and pointing at me the entire time.

We are heading out early in the morning for Disney Animal Kindom and on Friday we will be at Disney World. Only a few more days of vacation left.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


I'm blogging from sunny St. Petersburg, Florida. We arrived Sunday night and have been going nonstop since. My mom has been in classes all day, so Cole and I have had the days to ourselves. We've peddled the paddle boats, played putt-putt, explored, slid on 3-story water slide, swam in the pool, dug for "treasure" at the beach, splashed in the ocean and have had so much fun. Tonight we are going on a "pirate cruise", which Cole is really looking forward to. We have one day left at the beach before we head to Orlando for Disney World.

Cole has perfect skin and is already turning a beautiful shade of brown. Despite liberally applying SPF 50 sunblock I'm burnt. My shoulders and back have taken the brunt of the sun, so today I wore a T-shirt all day. Luckily it isn't a painful sunburn. Tomorrow I will remain covered up again.

The beach here is beautiful and we have seen Dolphins every day. There are millions of shells and the water is clear. I got up early and went for a morning jog on the beach today. The water is a little chilly but perfect once you get in and splash around. You do have to be careful for stingrays (you're supposed to do the 'stingray shuffle'), but luckily we haven't seen any thus far.

This has been a great vacation. Boy I really needed to relax and have fun. I don't want this week to end :-(