Monday, June 19, 2006

We're not home!!!!

I walked outside tonight to throw some trash away and noticed a woman going door-to-door with a clipboard. When I went back inside the house, I told Cole that in a few minutes our doorbell would ring or someone would knock at the door. I said we were going to be real quiet and pretend we weren’t at home. “Why?,” he asked. I said because she was selling something and I didn’t want to talk to her. “Okay, Mom we will be sneaky-peaky and real quiet.” A few minutes later, we heard knocking at the door. Cole ducks down and loudly yells “WE’RE NOT HOME!!!!!”. Ummm, gee thanks, that was subtle. I started laughing and look at him. He looks back, wide-eyed and clamps his hand over his mouth and starts to laugh. So, by the WE’RE NOT HOME and the peals of laughter coming from inside, do you think we fooled her?
Today, is Father's Day. We spent the day with my family. I had Cole call Randy (very big of me, I thought). The first time he didn't answer or call back. We haven't heard from him since he left (so much for the Sunday/Wednesday phone calls, he promised, I'm soo surprised...not). I was never sure, he had made it to New York, just assumed. We finally reached him around 8pm. What did Cole have to say? "Happy Dad's Day in New York", "here is the phone mom". Randy said that he'd been meaning to call. He's been working odd jobs all week long. I didn't bother to ask about the child support he hasn't bothered to pay yet, because it would be all lies anyway. So, there you go. He's moved and moved on, without a second thought of how I'll support our son. ANYWAY....we are leaving for HOOO-WHY-EE in 5 days, so only good thoughts.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Week #2 of the fat loss contest

Well, Leah and I are midway through the second week of the "body fat loss" contest. The contest is up to $1400 for the winners. We will be re-weighed/measured in 3 weeks. I have been pleased with myself. I've been really disciplined with my diet and exercise, thus far. The real challenge will be the week long vacation surrounded by food 24/7. However the cruise ship does have a gym and my mom and I plan to walk every morning, as well. I have already lost 9 lbs. I won't know about the body fat until the final day, though. My goal is to lose 30 pounds by the end of September and then set a new goal. I have always battle with my weight. Several years ago, I actually lost over 50 lbs then watched (and ate) as it crept back up. When I'm sad or stressed I eat and as my marriage spiraled downward my weight crept upwards. I've put aside all the excused I've made for myself over the years and am determined to continue to focus on my goal everyday. I want to be a fit and healthy mom for Cole, so I can continue to enjoy all the physical things we do. Also, I want to be a positive role model for Cole.

Typically, I stick to one exercise routine and then get bored after time. This time I'm trying several different things to add variety. We even tried spinning this week. When I first joined the gym and saw a spinning class, I swore I would never even try the class. Now, 5 months later here I find myself sitting on a bike, peddling away (going nowhere fast). One question though, with all the "natural" padding I have on my behind, why does the seat hurt so DAMN much? My nether regions hurt so bad for 2 days (they say it gets better after the third or fourth time, we'll see). Plus, having exercise buddies Leah & Maureen (who officially joined this week) have helped. It's added motivation and makes the time fly (especially laughing at Maureen).

So, hopefully 3 weeks from now, I will be a winner!! Wait a minute, I'll be a winner no matter what because I'm making the appropriate changes to better my life.

Friday, June 09, 2006

This time next year...

Well, Randy leaves for NY tomorrow. He finally called me @ 5:15pm to see if he could come say goodbye to Cole. I said yes, but told him that he would need to be at my house by 6:00 pm because my exercise class was @ 6:30, he showed up at 6:20..URGHH. When I got home a little after 8:00 pm, we spoke for a few minutes and then he said was going to go. He gave Cole a hug and said "I love you, be good for your mom. Remember I'm moving to New York and won't see you for a year or so. Maybe, this time next year you can come visit me for a few weeks, I'll talk to your mom". Cole said he only wanted to go to NY with me and Randy replied, "No, your mom HATES NY" and shot me a look. I didn't even respond, because the details of how Cole would even get to NY, I'm sure have never even been considered. He promised to call every Sunday & Wednesday, even though he doesn't speak to him twice a week now. He gave him another quick hug and left. Well, that's it folks, my bet is next year, will turn into never, but we will see.

Just for the record, the only reason I hated NY was because I was two months pregnant when we went to visit for a week. I was in full blown morning sickness (read vomiting and so extremely exhausted) and the ONLY thing we did was hang out with his friends until the wee hours of the morning while they smoked and drank (until Randy was too drunk to tell me how to drive back to his foster parent's house). The rooms would be so filled with smoke you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. The type of environment every pregnant women wants to be in (even without morning sickness). His foster parents were not the nicest people (also chained smoked in their house) and his foster dad got out a plastic bat (Mr. Yellow...the bat even had a name) to hit one of the foster kids (because he got down from the table w/o asking) until I got upset. (The kid was only 3 and there because his mom abused him, for god sake...also he put the kid in timeout for 30 minutes....a three year old in timeout for 30 minutes!!!). His foster mom was upset because the kid and his younger brother bonded to me immediately (probably because I played with them and didn't scream @ them all day, like she did). Randy said that his mom used to have a lot of patience with foster kids, but she was too old now. Well, I guess she shouldn't still be fostering them then! I know they gave Randy a better home than he would have had otherwise, but jeez, they were beyond the point of continuing to foster kids. I couldn't even imagine how hard it would be to foster kids (I would want to keep them all), but still, it was very upsetting. Besides all that, there was a heat wave and it was around 100 all week long and they don't have AC up there. Yeah, I had a lot of reasons to love New York.

Monday, June 05, 2006


ARGGGGHHH! I’m so stressed out. It has been a rough few weeks at work (which I can’t vent about because so many of my work “friends”, as Cole calls them read my blog). On top of the work craziness the stress of Randy moving is driving me insane. Everyone is constantly talking to me about it and the constant drama is driving me crazy. I know everyone is concerned, which I greatly appreciate. But, I have never been one who really tells someone (other than my mom) everything. I usually gloss over the details and keep the rest to myself, which slowly eats me alive. Blogging has actually been a great relief. It creates a way for me to vent. After typing like crazy, I usually feel better.

He is moving this Friday. I mentioned a few posts ago that I suggested he see Cole on Saturday, since he was moving. He was supposed to call. Yup, never heard from him. He finally called on Sunday because he wanted to come drop-off Cole’s toys, but he called after Cole was asleep, so he still didn’t get to see him. He is absolutely the most aggravating person I know. I’m really stressed about him moving without a job. Besides paying child support he is supposed to cover Cole’s health insurance. If I have to cover it, it will be about $400 month and he would have to reimburse me, yeah that’s likely. After MANY e-mails to the lawyer, which get forwarded to Randy, he called and said “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on missing any payments.” “I know how you get stressed out about these things, after all, I was married to you.” Being married to him, was what made me stressed out all the time. I’m stressed about relying on him, I'm stressed about him being responsible enough to financial take care of Cole for 14 more years. His number one priority is himself and that will never change. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything while living here (like providing up-to-date insurance cards), let alone across the country.

I’m stressed out, but I’m determined to put this behind me. I’m tired of letting my feelings towards him ruin my life. Once he leaves on Friday, I’m done. No matter what, I’m going to soldier on. I will make the most of my life with Cole So, I have four remaining days to let him irritate me and then I will put this past me once and for all (oh, okay...except really bad days).

Thanks to all my family and friends who have listened to me and supported me every step of the way. I couldn't have done any of this without you.

I'm going to make a promise to myself to take one day at a time. By nature I'm a duh, divorced twice. I'm not afraid of hardwork, but I get discouraged easily. I'm going to focus on taking tiny baby steps instead of looking forward to the finish line. Inspite of everything, I am in a MUCH better place than I was this time last year. So, thanks again to everyone, I love ya!

My bad

Today was Cole’s first day in his new class. He started in the summer Pre-K class, it is the transition class for Pre-K that starts with the new school year. He proudly showed me his new cubby and classroom. He showed me his “clwass work” for the day. He traced his name and created a card using foam number stickers, placing them 1 – 10. He was most excited about being able to play on the “growed up” playground. Miss Margaret is the Pre-K teacher. When he was a baby he was afraid of her, but he loves her now (although I wish he would quit referring to her as my “black” friend Miss Margaret, luckily she’s not offended.) He told Miss Margaret today, that he has been waiting his whole life to start in her class, which in a way I guess he was :-) He said his new friends were nice but he didn’t like their mommies. When I asked why he said, “Because they had ugly dresses on”. He then quickly reassured me that I didn’t have any ugly clothes, how sweet.

We had to make a quick stop at the grocery store and I let Cole pick dinner, of course he chose steak. We came home and grilled and have been going through his toys that his dad brought over (since he is moving). We need to give so many toys away. He is one spoiled kid! He dropped one of the toys on my foot and said, “My bad”. My bad!!! Where does he hear these things? He cracks me up. He just looked at the watch he found and said it is “thirty o’clock” and about time for bed. Actually, it is about time for bed, so off we go.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Its too quiet around here

I forget that I rarely have any alone time. When I’m presented with it, I’m at a lost for what to do. Cole fell asleep @ 6:30 tonight on the way home from Hockey. 6:30!!! I have the rest of the evening to myself. Suddenly the house seems too quiet. All those times, I inwardly prayed for even a moment of piece and quiet and now I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll just relax and enjoy the moment by blogging without interruption, with a quick recap on our weekend.

Cole and I (my mom too, I think) eagerly await the pool opening each year. Once the pool is opened that is where we spend the majority of our time. We went swimming Saturday and Sunday this weekend. We joined our neighborhood pool, which was cheap and convenient. The pool has a diving board, which is Cole’s favorite part. We must have jumped off a million times this weekend. I was exhausted. Before Cole, if I went to the pool at all, I quietly slinked in hoping no one would notice me and stayed in the water until it was time to leave. Now, it’s in and out, in and out, jump and dive, jump and dive. I have so much fun with him, for a moment I forget all my insecurities. It is a workout swimming with him and I secretly look forward to the mandatory rest period (adult swim) every hour. We are forced to get out and rest for 15 minutes (YIPEE).

So after a long weekend of swimming, followed by hockey lessons, no wonder he fell asleep @ 6:30. I’m going to go kick back and relax and get ready for the long week ahead.