Date Night

I went on a date tonight. I put on my high-heeled boots, slipped on a new shirt, checked out my new haircut and makeup in the mirror as I was applying the lip gloss and I was ready to go. My date looked great. He had brown hair that glinted with copper in the sunlight, perfect skin, and luminescent brown eyes and smelled great. I let him choose what we were going to do. He chose dinner and bowling. We went to Willie's Roadhouse for dinner, I did think it was a little weird that he wanted to sit on my lap halfway through dinner! Ha, Ha I make myself laugh. Of course my date was Cole.

My parents were going to a concert tonight so Cole and I had planned a "date night" of our own. As soon as we woke up this morning that was all he could talk about. It was fun getting ready to "go out" with Cole and we truly had a great time. After dinner we did go bowling and he actually won two out of the three games (with the help of bumper guards of course)! It was a great way to spend a weekend night. I think we should start a tradition of a "date night" at least once a month. It would be a fun tradition and a great thing to do together especially once he's a little older and hanging with mom, won't be his first choice!

Single parenting

How can you spot a boy being raised by a single mom? When that boy is given a "pretend" shaving kit for Christmas. Hops into the bath to play with his kit. Lathers up his LEGS and starts shaving away. LOL. I was laughing so hard. Don't worry though, this mom showed him how to lather up his face and shave like a man! There are some things I will not be able to show him, you know like how to pee in an urinal! There are some things he will have to learn on his own.

Christmas recap

We had a great Christmas yesterday! It's so much fun with a kiddo around. Cole woke up around 7:00am and literally flew out of bed when he remembered it was Christmas morning. My brother was sleeping in the living room, so he would be ready for all the excitement. Cole jumped up and down with glee when he saw all the gifts Santa brought him. He wanted a barn and some animals, which he got. He also got a Pirate tent/boat. When we were putting the boat together the night before (Santa has got to have a little help) both my brother and dad kept asking what the heck would he do with that. I said play and use his imagination....men! Cole loved the tent. He had a great time opening all his gifts. The rest of the day was spent opening toys (who the HELL decided to secure all those toys with those irritating wire twist ties and worse securing toys into the boxes with the tinniest screws known to mankind?) and putting in batteries (I bought $30 worth of batteries). Cole's dad came through for Christmas. He got him several toys and a hockey jersey with his name on the back, it was great to have some presents under the tree from him. Cole also got a Leapfrog game system. I'm not the video game kind of parent, but I don't mind learning/education games. We had fun playing a few yesterday. He also got four gifts from Leah, yes FOUR! He sure was spoiled rotten this year!

Today we went to Lowes to get more shelving for Cole's room and spent the day cleaning/organizing all of his things. The rest of the week we plan on just relaxing and taking it easy. Especially since, I'm sick now too, YIPEE!

Christmas recap

We had a great Christmas yesterday! It's so much fun with a kiddo around. Cole woke up around 7:00am and literally flew out of bed when he remembered it was Christmas morning. My brother was sleeping in the living room, so he would be ready for all the excitement. Cole jumped up and down with glee when he saw all the gifts Santa brought him. He wanted a barn and some animals, which he got. He also got a Pirate tent/boat. When we were putting the boat together the night before (Santa has got to have a little help) both my brother and dad kept asking what the heck would he do with that. I said play and use his imagination....men! Cole loved the tent. He had a great time opening all his gifts. The rest of the day was spent opening toys (who the HELL decided to secure all those toys with those irritating wire twist ties and worse securing toys into the boxes with the tinniest screws known to mankind?) and putting in batteries (I bought $30 worth of batteries). Cole's dad came through for Christmas. He got him several toys and a hockey jersey with his name on the back, it was great to have some presents under the tree from him. Cole also got a Leapfrog game system. I'm not the video game kind of parent, but I don't mind learning/education games. We had fun playing a few yesterday. He also got four gifts from Leah, yes FOUR! He sure was spoiled rotten this year!

Today we went to Lowes to get more shelving for Cole's room and spent the day cleaning/organizing all of his things. The rest of the week we plan on just relaxing and taking it easy. Especially since, I'm sick now too, YIPEE!

I'd rather pill a cat

Most people who have tried to medicate a cat know sometimes it's extremely difficult. I'd still rather medicate a cat than a four-year-old. After Cole's visit to the doctor on Thursday he was already on two medications (a steroid and cough medicine). His doctor had also given me a script for an antibiotic in case he developed a fever (since we were going into a long Holiday weekend).

Saturday we went to see "Happy Feet" at the Imax. During the movie he snuggled into my lap and I could feel the heat radiating off his little body. When the movie was over, he cheeks were candy apple red. So now in addition to his previous two medication, we have now added Motrin and an antibiotic. It's been a twice a day battle. I have to chase him down, bargain, reason, beg, threaten to get him to take the medicine. He doesn't mind the taste of the Motrin or the Antibiotic (it's just a lot) but it still takes some convincing to get those down. The other two he hates and it's a struggle. I only wish I could wrap him in a towel and wait for the "hiss" to shoot the pill down. That would be great!

He's feeling better today. We made cookies for Santa and are eagerly awaiting his arrival tonight!

Waterworks

Yesterday was Cole's Christmas Program at school. His Pre-K teacher had the developed skits to several Christmas songs where the kids sang and danced and the parents were invited to go watch. The kids were so excited that morning. I slipped out of work and both of my parent's came to watch the program. Cole was in the first "act" he had to be dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and a baseball hat. They sang "I'm getting nothing for Christmas!" He was so cute. He then had to change into a white dress shirt, black pants and a black tie for the rest of the program. They sang several other songs. Whenever I watch him do things like that I always cry, I'm so lame. I will cry watching other cute things, not even just my own kid. Afterwards I had to head back to work, Cole was so upset he couldn't go with me.

Work has been crazy this week. With the holidays everyone has been on edge. I was ready for the week to be over by about 10:00am on Monday morning! URRGGGGHHHH! That's all I can say. At point the week I stepped out into the rain just the get away before I exploded (that would make a mess)! Anyway, I'm off all next week. Daycare is closed Monday and Tuesday, but I took the whole week for a mental health break.

Oh, I have a rant from yesterday, as well. I took Cole to the doctor yesterday because he has had a nasty cough for about 10 days that is getting worse. I had dropped off his prescription and went back to pick them up after dinner. There was this ignorant LOUD redneck cell phone talker guy in line behind me. In his country drawl he loudly was talking about "I got a CAAULL today from JD's school. He got in trouble for actin' out on de bus. I'm gonna WHOOP his ASS when I get home. I will just hit 'em where it won't leave a mark!" Even if he was kidding, which I'm not sure he was, why would he think everyone would want to hear this? He went on to complain that his "damn child support" was on his credit report and said if whoever was waiting in his truck for him left the store(because the lines were so long) he was going to call the "PULLL-LEEESE". I've heard way too much of people's personal information on cell phones these days!

Father Time

My grandparents are in town and we just finished our early Christmas gift exchange. Cole had a wonderful time, watching his face light up at each and every gift is truly what the spirit of the holidays are to me. Clothes, toys it doesn't matter he is truly delighted with every package. With each passing year he has become more excited and awed by Christmas, this is the first year he has really had the most understanding of Santa and had the most anticipation.

Sadly, with each passing year we've had to watch my grandfather appear more isolated and frail. He has Alzheimers, it's a word never once uttered by my grandmother. My grandfather has always been a slight built man, but the last several years he has become gaunt. He literally is skin and bones, he cheek bones are prominent leaving his face looking hallow. His once sparkling cornflower blue eyes most times appear vacant. He still has moments of spark and whit but mostly just sleeps or stares off into space. He still knows who we are, but has virtually withdrawn from all conversation. When he asks a question, he asks it repeatedly which we all answer with patience.

My grandfather has always been special to me. In fact his name is Robert which is Cole's middle name, that's how much he has meant to me. He is a remarkable man. He came from an extremely poor family with alcoholic abusive parents, spent time in an orphanage. He was a very hard worker, very intelligent and quick witted especially for someone who didn't have a lot of opportunities in life. He was amazingly artistic. He could draw, paint, and carve wonderful things out of a block of wood. Most of my most cherished memories involve sitting around watching him whittle, the wood chips flying, and watching in amazement as a character or animal appeared out of that block. He hasn't really carved in years.

The passage of time has been hard to watch. He has smoked since his teens and has emphysema, most of the time he doesn't remember to smoke now, except for when my grandma reminds him to so he can get some exercise????? His lungs wrattle even while resting and the slightest physical activity causes his chest to rise and fall in an alarming rate. The scariest thing to me is that he still drives. I am so scared that he will either be in a wreck or accidentally kill or injure someone else. I'm sure the thought of someone who had once been so strong is hard for my grandmother to face. My mom repeatedly asked my grandmother to ask his doctor about driving. When she finally did he asked my grandmother about his driving and she admitted that he doesn't know where to turn or gets lost (they have lived in the same house since my mom was a young child) but she said she tells him when to turn and he does so. So the doctor said, sounds like he is okay to drive to me! WHAT???? Besides her telling is usually yelling and if he is in the left lane and she yells to turn right, he will immediately turn the wheel right and go across the lanes of traffic. I know an elderly person losing their driving rights is a touchy subject and can be very demoralizing, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. I really think my grandparents should really be referred to a geriatric specialist to get better information and advice.

I know time brings a lot of wonderful things into our lives, but it also brings a lot of sadness. Meanwhile I will hold onto my wonderful memories of my grandpa to pass onto Cole.

I'M FINISHED....I'M FINISHED

Well at least for a month. Tonight was my last final (actually a presentation complete with 25 lessons plans and a visual aid). A month off, AAHHH! I don't even want to begin to think of next semester with full-time work and school...I feel the anxiety coming back...baby steps, baby steps.

While I was walking to my class tonight I had to smile. There were two guys walking next to me and one was saying to the other "If I hate my job when I graduate in May what a colossal waste of a decade this will be!" I smiled for several reasons 1) YIPEE I'm not the only fool that is taking forever to go to school and yes I'm 31 and this will be the first time in my entire life I've been able to go to school full-time, anyway. 2) I may be doing the school think back-asswards by going when I'm ANCIENT, but I'm very confident in what I want to do aftewards. Matter of fact, that is what gets me through the dark days of work when I want to run screaming or put pins in my whining employee of the day voodoo doll (for those of you at work that covertly read blog but don't admit it, I do love you, but you sure can cause some gray hair) . Give me a whining child over a whiney adult any day.

So I will enjoy the next month and be thankful I don't have to leave work in a rush, drive to San Marcos in a rush, and drive back to pick up Cole in a rush, drive home do my homework, help with Cole's etc. I hope December DRAGS by :-)

Two things I learned from Cole tonight

1. The cameras in his daycare class that I had previously thought transmitted to the front monitor actually go directly to the North Pole! Which brings me to the second thing...
2. I always thought the lyrics to "Santa Clause Is Coming to Town were "He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake"...but Cole was singing it tonight and he sings "He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for good mistake!" I laughed so hard and when I tried to tell him the real words he corrected me, so good mistake it is!

Anyway, I guess that's how Santa knows everything with those cameras planted everywhere. Talk about Big Brother watching you!

Hide-n-seek

A few nights ago Cole was playing hide-n-seek in the house with my dad. For those of you who don't know my dad, this was a momentous occasion. My dad spends each and every evening sitting in his recliner watching TV. He often plays with Cole but from the comfort of his chair. To see him up and playing and actually hiding was so cool. He had hid in their closet and I helped Cole find him. When he jumped out of the dark closet Cole squealed with fear and glee. Then my mom and I were invited to play. Here were Cole's instructions to us "You girls go count to twenty while Papa and I hide in the closet." In the closet? Hope we can find you. Laughing we went and counted to twenty and then pretended to look for them through out the house calling their name. My dad said whenever he would hear us he would start giggling his whole body shaking with the anticipation of being found. Being the best "seekers" in the whole world we did eventually find them. Imagine our surprise when they were hiding in the closet!!!!!

A quick pee note for Vetmommy http://www.vetmommy.blogspot.com:

When Cole and I watch TV in the "basement" (AKA the laundry room) he often will go outside to pee vs. trying to get past the dog to go to the bathroom on the other side of the house. Tonight he needed to go, but it was too cold. I looked over just in time to see tiny clenched white butt cheeks and one hand holding up the flap of the doggie door. He was going to pee through the door because it's "too cold" to go outside. Thank goodness I caught him because I'm sure that would have been one heck of a mess. FYI he still decided to step outside and pee and brave the cold. He said it was "so cold his tee almost decided to go away." Gotta love those boys!!!

Cat-er-cise

I have a fat cat named Bandit. He is seven years old and weighs 18 pounds. He has had a very rough time since we moved in with my parents. He has never really liked dogs, when he had our dog Bullet, they tolerated each other and lived peacefully because they generally ignored each other.

Since we have moved he stays exclusively in one corner of the house. He stays in my room, Cole's room, or the bathroom which are all adjacent to each other at the end of the hallway. The few times he has tried to venture out he has gotten into a fight with my mom's male dog. He has to eat in my room and they dogs even go in there and bother him, so we are constantly trying to put up baby gates, put the food in high locations, etc. He has been so stressed out he was tearing out patches of hair, every day I would come home to a new bald spot. Before we moved he would play with Toad, since we moved Toad has made friends with my mom's cat and spends the majority of the day chasing and playing with her (as well as, sharing her food and litter box). Toad could care less about the dogs and has truly made my parent's house his own...including sleeping with them in bed. Most days Bandit sits at then door to the bathroom where he can see down the hallway and just stares, he looks so mournful. He gets zero exercise. The moment we enter the bedroom he is starved for attention and WILL NOT leave you alone. I feel sorry for him but when you are trying to do homework he is very annoying. He just mops around day after day.

Last night I had washed my sheets and was making the bed. He was like a torpedo diving over, under and through a sea of teal sheets. He was so funny. I haven't seen him move like that in years. We played for a good thirty minutes, he would gently attack my hands and do somersaults under the covers. So now I know if I want him to get any exercise I will just have to change my sheets daily!

The Spirit of Giving

I love to volunteer and give back to others. Despite my own personal melodrama, I'm always aware of how good my life truly is and I am truly thankful for my family and friends. This as been one of the worst years personally for me, but the love and support of my family and friends has brought renewed clarity on what I have to be thankful for.

Today we went to the Chuy's Children Giving to Children Parade where you bring a new gift to donate to Blue Santa. This is the second year we have participated in that. I really want to teach Cole to give to others. He really enjoys picking out a gift to give and donating it.

There are so many charities and organizations and so little time to choose what to do and for whom. I also really want to support our troops. My mom and I donated some tolietries for care packages, but I wanted to do more. I found a website www.troopcarepackage.com that will assign you a soldier(s) to support directly. I asked for two. I've been assigned two troops (a male and a female) both stationed in Iraq. You are encouraged to send letters to the troops. I will let Cole help with this project, as well, I know he will enjoy it. I also found a cool website where you can donate money to a charity of your choice (and receive a bracelet), I donated to the Homes For Our Troops that helps provide housing for our severely disabled returning soldiers www.gi-bracelet.org. I was also sent an e-mail from one of our vendors at work to a cool website www.letssaythanks.com where you can send a postcard to troops stationed overseas.

So this holiday season, look beyond yourself. Giving to others is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Dance Fever

After a hectic day at work yesterday one of the girls suggested that we go to the Broken Spoke www.brokenspokeaustintx.com last night, since we didn't have to work today. I decided to go because I had been wanting to take Cole.

Cole was so excited. He picked out his "cowboy shirt" and put on his new cowboy boots and even asked his Granny for some of Papa's cologne. He was the best looking, smelling, and sweetest date I've had in years. As soon as we got there he hit the dance floor, I don't think we sat out one song. He would point at me and say "Let's go dance." He even danced with all the ladies from our table. Towards the end only me and one of the other girls (Amy) were his partners of choice. We all three had to dance together several times. He wanted to "slow dance" with me once and I held him, with his head on my shoulder as we twirled around the floor. When the band took a ten minute break he crawled up onto my lap and went fast asleep. I had a great time and will definitely have to take my "date" out dancing again soon. I know he'll want to go again because the very first sleepy words out of his mouth this morning were "Can we go to the dance place again today?"

Happy Thanksgiving!

There is a first time for everything.

First time I've blogged twice in one day and the first time I've put pictures in my blog. Yeah for me! Here are some pictures of Cole in his hockey gear and on the ice. The first picture he is the little weeble-wobble in the front of the line. He shoots, he scores! He did actually make a "goal" (actually shooting at a goalie stationed between two oranges cones).

Parents Behaving Badly

Everyone has seen those video clips of dads coming to blows at pee-wee sports event. Last night I almost got to witness the mom version. I took Cole to go see http://www.happyfeetmovie.com. We went to a 7:00 pm show and it was very crowded. Apparently a mom that was there with a teenaged son and 6 or 7 little kids had arrived early and saved enough seats for their entire group. They had laid jackets on all the chairs and asked a woman sitting in the adjacent seat to help make sure no one sat there. She went back to the concession stand and came back with all those kids and two trays heaped with snacks and drinks to find their jackets on the floor and their seats taken. She started yelling at the woman for not saving her the seats and other lady started yelling back insults and the word "bitch" were screamed back and forth. All this at a kids movies, jeez. Finally the woman with the troop of kids and mountains of food, stormed off and the only seats they could find together were in the second row. Both people were at fault, but I couldn't believe how they acted. I was a good six or so rows back and could hear every insult being traded. Wow!

On the plus side, other than the fact the theatre was hotter than Hades, both Cole and I enjoyed the movie. They had great songs and wonderfully detailed characters and background, the modern of modern computer animation. We always sit on the end of a back row and Cole spent a good portion of the movie up dancing. So if you are looking for a good way to entertain the kiddos for a few hours, go see Happy Feet. Hopefully, you won't have to see a "pre-show" fight.

When we die

Tonight at dinner I was telling my mom about a doctor's mom at work that is gravely ill and probably will pass away before the end of the week. Cole piped up and said, "Why is Dr. _____, going to die?" I said it wasn't him it was his mom and she was very old and sick. I said people eventually get old and then they die. He looked right at my mom and said, "Granny is very old". We cracked up. Then he said, "when she dies we will bury her and then the sharks will eat her." Guess, we are having an at sea burial.

The other funny thing was when doing his homework tonight he zoned out. I called his name and he said, "Cole has left the building." Ah, he makes me laugh.

Sunday we took pictures at Zilker Botanical Gardens. Take a peek and give me your opinion, I HATE making decisions.

http:www.paigmorrisonphotography.com/KareenLittleFeather.html

WHOOOOHOOO!

Today the first wage garnishment for child support hit my account! It wasn't much, only about 40% of what he'll owe me every month, but something is better than nothing. After months and months of struggling, phone calls with the Attorney General, and red-tape there is finally something to show for my effort. He may have emotionally and physically abandoned Cole, but he can't completely financially abandon him (unless he quits working...but only positive thoughts). My plan is to put 100% of it into savings, since I'm living @ home now. It would be so wonderful to have a little padding financially for the first time. So for now, I'm thankful that if you follow the rules the system can help you.

Parenting Advice

It seems like anyone is ready to dish their unsolicited parenting advice at a moment's notice. Now don't get me wrong. I want, need, and appreciate advice. I read many articles, books, websites, have asked advice from my pediatrician, family, friends, teachers, etc. There are some people, however, I just smile and nod as they give me advice. This week a co-worker went off on the fact that Cole is in hockey. She said numerous things, one thing that struck me as the funniest was that I should "just let him watch hockey on TV instead of wasting my money letting him play." Gee thanks, that's great advice, setting him in front of the TV instead of physical activity, I'll take that under consideration. I've had people tell me, "You'll make him gay" because he takes gymnastics/dance at daycare. He will be a "momma's boy" because I'm not married. Now I will be the first to admit that I've made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes along the way. That is how you learn to parent. No one is perfect, but making him a "momma's boy" or "sitting him in front of the TV" is advice I'll choose to ignore. Before I had Cole, I thought I knew how I wanted to parent, but the truth is nothing in life goes as plans. You have to be willing to be creative, flexible, patient, firm yet yielding, loving, and tireless to be a parent, even then the job isn't done.

After all...."Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare" - Ed Asner

The Pillsbury Dough Boy

Today was Cole's first day of actual hockey class. He has been taking hockey/skating lessons since May and today marked the first day of hockey class. We went to get him fitted for all his equipment today. I know NOTHING about hockey, so I was more nervous than Cole, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get all that gear on him by myself. He's so small and even some of the smallest equipment is slightly too big. He has to wear breezers (hockey pants), a cup (the sight of that tiny jock strap just sent me into a fit of laughter), shin pads (which are too big, he can barely bend his legs), elbow pads, a neck guard, shoulder pads, a practice jersey, a helmet w/ full face shield, a mouth piece, hockey gloves, skates, and a stick...yes someone is silly enough to give my four-year-old a stick. The man fitting the equipment asked if he needed a left or right handed stick, I didn't even know there was a difference. I said Cole was right-handed but he had him hold a stick and said, he needed a left-handed one. Ummm, okay I thought. He cut about 3 feet off a stick, added some athletic tape, threw all the gear in a bag so big, I will need an SUV to haul it around and off we went.

Once it was time for his class it was my turn to try to remember how to put everything on. I swear it took my at least 15 minutes. He looked so funny. Here is thirty-five pound child wearing at least 5 pounds of bulky hockey equipment. He could barely move. Once he was on the ice, he had to re-learn how to stand up again. It's a entirely different feel trying to stand up with all that equipment (especially when you can't bend your legs too well) and holding a stick. We quickly realized the guy was wrong and Cole does need a right-handed stick--URGHH. His previous classes had been 30 minute sessions and this class is a full hour. He hung in there though. His favorite teacher Miss Angie came in about halfway through the session, so he got some one-on-one attention, which he loves. The last few minutes of practice they let them skate around and play tag and bump each other. Cole likes to bump others but when someone bumped him and he fell, he cried. A lean mean fighting machine he's not. After the tears were gone, he got back up and finished practice. He was soaking with sweat when he came off the ice, but smiling so that's all that matters. Well, I guess all we need now is a right-handed stick. Oh, and a SUV to haul all that stuff around.

The cats did it

Tonight I had to make four turkey/snowmen for my music play tomorrow---don't ask. Cole was helping. I left the room for a minute and when I came back Cole had a perfectly straight vertical cut line in the collar of his t-shirt and a pair of scissors (not his kid scissors that he had been using moments before) laying suspiciously next to his right hand. When I asked him what happened, he said the "cats scratched his shirt" when I said I don't think so, he changed his story to the "cats bit his shirt". I asked if he was sure he didn't cut his shirt and he shook his head, no. I pointed out the fairly obvious fact that there were not any cats in the room and he changed his story to "the snowman did it". Hiding my smile and holding back the laugh, I told him that I wouldn't be angry if he told the truth and asked him what a lie was. After his rather rambling explanation I asked him the truth again, and with downcast eyes he explained "the scissors accidentally cut his shirt." No really? I thanked him for telling the truth and we finished our project.

One other funny note. I brought Cole home a flower today because someone was going to throw out a wilted Gerber daisy at work. Cole often brings me flowers that he picked from the playground, so I decided to give him one instead. He was happy and said it was our "married flowers". He was going to give it to me on our "married day" and we would stand in front of the man and he would say, "Do you take this woman?" I started cracking up. I asked him where he knew this from and he said from "Clifford the Big Red Dog". I guess they must have watched an episode at daycare on one of their monthly movie days that showed that.

Glorious Fall

I love this time of year. The weather becomes colder and the start of the holiday's are about to begin.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. Cole and I took Anna and Colin, Dr. Martin's kids to the park and to the Austin Zoo. She had to work and her husband was out of town and needed someone to watch the kiddos. I eagerly volunteered. I had several people ask me if I was crazy, volunteering to have three children for the morning. I wanted to say, "Hello people, this IS what I want to do for my life." We picked them up from work and went to the park for an hour. It was so much fun watching their imaginations and creativity at play. Collin is the youngest and had no trouble keeping up with the other two. Then we headed off to the zoo. I gave my rules before I left the car, "Stay together, no running, hold hands, no fingers on the cages (you are up pretty close to the cages, no yelling etc.)". I let the kids take turn being "line leader" so there were no arguments. They were all very well behaved. There were no fights, no whining, and no out of control children all day. We all had a great time. We got to feed the animals at the petting zoo (fun for even the big kid - me) and ride the train. They were so eager waiting for the train we all made up silly songs, to kill time. Cole really enjoyed having kids to pal around with for the day and I was relaxed and glad I didn't have to be his constant play companion.

Today we carved pumpkins. Cole loved scraping and pulling out the nasty pumpkin innards. Then he drew about five faces around his pumpkin. I let him use the "pokey" carving tool to punch in the outline of his faces and then I carved them out and let him push them through. We then created my pumpkin that I will take to work. We had such a great time. We were sitting on the back porch enjoying the beautiful weather for hours. I love creating traditions. I had never carved a pumpkin until I had Cole. We never did that as kids (my mom never did as a kid, either). However, since Cole was a baby we have carved pumpkin every year. Guess that's one good thing Cole's dad taught me, how to carve a pumpkin. I'll take the good memories where I can get them, I guess.

Braggin' and then URRRGGH!

Most nights after dinner, we sit down to do Cole's homework. He usually has to trace letters, match rhyming words, do simple math, etc. I'm lucky because I hear most mom's complaining their child doesn't want to do their work, or worse they refuse to do work at home, so they moms don't make them (great message to teach them in their early learning). I've heard some strong opinions about homework for Pre-K, but I personally don't see a problem with it. It starts early good habits and requires the parent's to work with their kids, which sadly doesn't happen enough. Luckily, Cole enjoys his homework, sometimes it's hard to keep him from working ahead. I love to see the look of joy in his face when he works through his assignment. Luckily the assignments are generally short, because it is hard to keep a four-year-old focused for too long.

Tonight as I was giving him his bath, I was looking at him thinking the evening over and how lucky I am. I was thinking about what a big boy he has become. While we get dinner ready, he sets the table for us. After playing each night, he picks his room up without complaint (okay so maybe some of the toys are just stashed under his bed, but the floor is clean). He bathes himself at bathtime, brushes his own teeth (and then I repeat with instructions in espanol), washes his own hair and gets on his pj's. After I read him two books he quietly goes off to bed. Oops, did I say quietly?

Not tonight, he had a mini pouty session because he wanted to watch a movie. Seems he must have known I was planning on blogging about what a big boy he was and didn't want to make my story too good to be true :-)

Clarity

Well, the decision finally came to me about working two jobs. I had read Dr. 26's comment and it really hit home for me (the funny thing was she was worried about upsetting me, when she really just clarified my feelings). The next day I was leaving my math test and as I opened the door to the bright sunshine and started my hurried rush to go pick up Cole, I said to myself, "that's it I'm not taking the job." For the first time in weeks I could suddenly breathe easily again. I had a spring in my step. I decided to take out more student loans (yikes) to alleviate the worry over next semester.

The call to the EC didn't go so well and I REALLY hate disappointing people, but sometimes you got to do what is right for yourself. And boy was I glad that after my 5 hour Saturday work session, I didn't have to head over to the EC for an 8 hour shift. I was doubly glad on Sunday when I spent the entire day throwing up and staying in bed, I had previously been scheduled for an 8 hour shift then, too. I was so sick on Sunday that my mom had to take Cole to hockey alone, which made me feel miserable. There is no way I could go off to work every Sunday and miss hockey.

So thanks everyone for your words of advice and wisdom. Being a single parent, full-time employee, and part-time student is more than enough for me. So next time I think crazy thoughts about taking on YET more stress, don't be afraid to tell me I'm CRAZY!

Panic Attack

I think I had a panic attack this afternoon. I've never had one, so I don't know what one feels like per say. I've been toying with the idea of working part-time at the animal emergency clinic. I interviewed several weeks ago and shadowed for a shift. I was considering relief work or weekend shifts. They actually offered me a full-time position, but right now that wouldn't be very beneficial to me. They explained the con's of part time (fast paced, difficult to learn, etc.) but I stressed again that I could only do part-time for now. They called back and said they were still interested and would have to look at the shifts.

This afternoon they called and said they want me to start on Saturday. They wanted me there @ 1:00 pm. However, I have a mandatory "Strategic Planning Session" from 1:30 pm - 6:00 pm on Saturday for my full-time job. So now I get to do that as planned, then go work a shift at the EC and then work at the EC from 8:00 am - 6:00 pm on Sunday, as well. WHAT AM I THINKING? AM I CRAZY? The idea of it sound good, but the reality?... can I handle extra stress? During the week I feel like I barely get to spend any time with Cole. We leave at 6:20 in the morning, are home almost every day after 6:00 pm and then there is dinner, dishes, homework for Cole, and bathtime, not much room for just enjoying each other. The weekends are the only real quality time we get to share. This also means I will have to miss his hockey lesson on Sunday, oh and my own studying/homework FORGET ABOUT IT.

I'm only interested in working part-time because next semester I will be working full-time M, W, F and EVERY Saturday and going to school full-time T&TH from 8:00 am - 5:00 pm (actually Tuesday's until 7:00 pm). This means although I will be full-time, it will be 35 hours vs. the 40+ I've worked (and am budgeted on) for the past 4 years, plus increased tuition since I will be taking 17 hours. I need to save money for school and bills for next semester.

I feel slightly better since I got a letter from the Attorney General saying they located the ex's employer and will begin to garnish his wages ('bout damn time). However, that will only work if he keeps that job and he's already proven that is not a priority in his life, so I can't count on anything.

So there I sat this afternoon, outside of daycare, paralyzed with fear, trying to catch my breath. Can I do this? Can I give up my weekends with Cole? If so how long? I hate to have someone else have to take care of him. Can I live with myself, having my mom be responsible for him on the weekends? Will she go crazy? Will I? Am I? Where is my crystal ball? I'm supposed to call the EC after my Sunday shift to let them know what I think and talk about shifts. They have an 8:00 pm to 2:00am weekend shift, I can do that....I think. Spend the days with Cole and still go to hockey and then go to work. Hope it's open???? Know any rich dying single men out there??? Just kidding....I think. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.

In memory of,

I received a wonderful gift today at work. Leah gave me a shadow box with a picture of Al, his collar and his paw print. It was perfect. I couldn't open it in front of everyone looking at me and the day was hellacious, so I didn't have a chance to close the door and look at it until late in the day, but it was worth the wait. After a day like today I needed something to take my mind off of work. When I showed it to Cole, his eyes became as big as saucers, and he said in a whisper, "Mommy it's Alby, it's Alby. Look there is his collar and his footprint." He hugged the shadow box and said "I sure miss Alby, he was a good boy, I loved him." He asked where I got it and when I said Leah made it, he wanted to call her "right away" and thank her. So thanks Leah, you brightened both of our days and now we have something that we will always cherish in addition to our memories.

Night school

Monday through Friday we leave the house at 6:15 am. It is pitch dark. After getting ready myself, making breakfast for us both (okay so it's more like gathering, than making) and dress a slumbering Cole and lug him out into the car. This morning as I was setting him in his seat, he cracked open one eye and sleepily mumbled, "Mommy, I'm tired of waking up to go to school every night.". Me too, me too.

Birthday wind-down

Saturday was my birthday. I’m officially 31, whoopee! 30 didn’t bother me, but 31? jeez, I’m getting old. My birthday started out, the way all birthdays should (insert drum roll here) with a garage sale. Nothing says happy birthday like waking up at before the sun rises and having people mill around the old crap you don’t want anymore trying to bargain down your already low prices. But, at least the garage sale is done, I didn’t get rid of my washer & dryer but I’m going to donate them to a local animal rescue group. The scary and exciting thing is that when Cole and I eventually move out, we will be starting over basically from scratch. We will have beds and dishes and not much else. It really will be a new beginning.

I had plans to go out to the Broken Spoke a C&W bar that night. I knew I’m officially old when I needed to take a nap, if I was going to be staying out late. So Cole and I took a nap and then woke up to open presents and have cake. My present from Cole was perfect. He picked out a ring that had a pink heart shaped gemstone and the band of the ring says “I love you”. My mom said he had picked out the ring because of the pink heart, but when she told him it said “I love you”, he had to get it for me. I’m proud of him because this is the first time, he kept his gift a secret, too! He wants me to where the ring on my “married finger” and I proudly put it on. That’s the only man’s ring I’d ever put on that finger again, anyway :-). My parent’s got me a watch and some birthday money that I will try VERY hard to spend on only myself, we will see.

Saturday night Leah took me to dinner and then we met some co-workers at the Broken Spoke. Before we got there, I was thinking to myself that there was no way I was going to dance, but I did dance and had a great time. I don’t like to drink but other people think you can’t have fun if you don’t drink, so I nursed a beer all night, my friend Paige kept pouring me “phantom” refills from the pitcher. The funniest thing all night was my boss, who danced to almost every song with the ladies from our table. He would just tap someone on the shoulder and head on out. He was a pretty good dancer, too. Everyone dances different and it’s difficult to learn what each person is doing, but he would show you each time and off you’d go. I actually danced with everyone, even Leah twice! The first trip out to the floor, I was having a moment of a panic attack, because I’m really uncomfortable with the whole touching, personal space thing. On the way out, it dawned on me that I used to LOVE dancing and just told my self to relax and have a good time. The biggest surprise of the night was Shawn showed up at the Broken Spoke. Here is this heavy metal, longhaired, guy in his C&W shirt dancing the two-step and cracking up and having a great time, what a site. One of the funniest things was Travis, who was dressed in a western shirt and jeans, boots, a big silver longhorn belt buckle and a western belt. I looked at the belt and the name on the back said, “Jimmy”. I laughed so hard. He bought the belt at Savers, a discount store for three dollars. A belt with someone else’s name, too funny! Anyway, all in all, it was a great birthday.

My brother’s birthday is on Tuesday, so we had our combined dinner out on Sunday. We had to take two cars because Cole had hockey afterwards. Cole wanted to ride in the “boy’s car” and made the “boys” sit on the same side of the table at the restaurant. He loves my brother and was sitting on his lap at dinner (and hey I got to eat using both of my hands and with no one half leaning/sitting on me). It was really sweet to see Cole, “male bonding”. I can’t wait until he’s a little older and can go golfing or spend the day with them.
Well, at least the weekend brought me out a little from the funk I’ve been in. So thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday and helped me celebrate!

Weekend recap

Yesterday, my mom and I took Cole to the Inner Space Caverns in Georgetown. He had a great time. It was pretty Cole and the cavern is a "living" cavern, still being formed today. It was found in the 60's when the highway department was doing core samples for the interstate. I was amazed how much Cole loved it and listened to what the tour guide was saying. Once we got to the end of the cavern and turned back, he told us all kinds of things that the tour guide had said 30 minutes before. He retained more information than I did. Even last night at bed he was still talking in detail about the caverns. It was also, surreal walking 50 feet below the interstate. The world is an amazing place.

Last night Cole was playing away in the bath tub and then he stopped and started asking questions about Al. Why did he die? Why can't he come back alive, like in "All Dogs Go To Heaven"? Why can't he stay with us? He said Al was the best cat ever. He even asked if I was going to die, I chickened out and side-stepped that question by getting him out of the tub. There is no good answer to that question.

Then today Cole saw the scrapbook that I created when he was a baby. We were going through each page and he was describing each picture to me. Me and him at Halloween, his first airplane ride. Several pictures of Cole and Al. We got to a picture of Randy holding him awkwardly on a chair and Cole said "this is me and, me and, mommy who is that with me?" At first I thought maybe he was kidding, so I waited and he was just looking at me waiting for an answer. I said, "baby that's you and Daddy." He looked again and said okay and then moved on to the other pictures. My heart broke. The sad thing it was a normal picture of his dad and he really didn't recognize him. I have nothing more to say. Sigh!

Joy to sorrow and the road in between

Thursday afternoon I was sitting in class and my cell phone kept vibrating in my pocket. I thought maybe Cole's school was trying to reach me, so I stepped outside to check my messages. It was a girl from work calling to say that the local animal shelter called saying my cat Al had been found. I had micochipped him the weekend before I moved back home and they scanned him and called my work. Another girl from work offered to go get him for me since I was in San Marcos, but since the shelter didn't close until 7pm, I said I would get him on the way home, after I picked up Cole.

I was so excited he'd been found. He had been missing almost a month. I really hadn't told many people. I'm so tired of the constant turmoils in my own life and I know other people don't want to hear them either. Anyway... after a month I had kinda of given up hope. At my parent's house he had free access to a doggie door and acres of greenbelt. The first week or so he would venture outside and then come home. But, a month ago he didn't come home one night. The not knowing was awful. Every time I saw a grey and white cat, my heart would skip a beat, until I realized it wasn't him. The news that he had been found was great. I excitedly called my mom and decided I would only go to thirty minutes of my last class so I could beat the traffic.

After class I drove into town and picked up Cole. We stopped by work so I could pick up copies of his proof of vaccination and a carrier. Cole was excited to go get Al and kept asking where he had been all this time. It was a question I wanted to know myself.

When I got to the shelter they peppered me with questions, who called me? how did he get there? etc. They didn't know what cat I was calling about and then they started arguing among each other about why there were no notes in their computer(I'm standing there holding Cole and a cat carrier, just wanting to go see Al), meanwhile one of the vet's overhear them and asked what was going on? When she realized what cat they were talking about, she said "that cat is in critical condition" she admonished them and said I needed to come back and verify that he was my cat and then take him to the vet. My heart dropped. I felt like I could barely put my feet in front of each other as we walked through the maze of hallways to get where he was. She said that someone had called and said that a cat had been in their backyard for three hours and hadn't moved. When he got to the shelter he had a body temp of 94 degrees, was disoriented and dehydrated. He wouldn't stand and was "knuckling" on his front feet when propped up. They had given him some fluids under the skin and done an exam, but found no obvious pain. They had been trying to stabilize his body temp. She said he hadn't made a noise since he'd been there. As soon as I approached his cage and said his name, he gave a pitiful meow. His eyes were staring blankly at the kennel door. She thanked me multiple times for having him microchipped and walked me up front so I could pay my reclaim fee. My mind was reeling, only 10 minutes before I had been expecting a joyous reunion and I had expected to see him mangy, skinny, even scratched up but not this.

I looked at the clock and it was ten minutes to six. I left Cole with the shelter workers and ran out to my car to grab my phone and call work to beg someone to stay after six to help me run diagnostics before I had to take him to the emergency clinic. I didn't ask a doctor to stay, just a nurse to help. Paying my reclaim fee and waiting for them to bring him up front seemed like hours. I then rushed Al and Cole into the car. I had to sit in rush-hour traffic with a panicked kid and a cat open mouthed breathing. My cell phone kept ringing because the news had spread. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, everytime Al stopped meowing Cole would say, "Al's dead, mommy Al died." So with one hand on the wheel, one hand on Al, trying to reassure Cole and moving at a snail's pace down Mopac we made it to Brodie. I was so thankful when I saw, Dr. Brown, Enricka, and Leah waiting for me. I would have never asked a doctor to stay and the fact that she did so without thought was wonderful. I have been vet teching for 7 years and my mind would not work, I couldn't remember how to set up the oxygen, the fluid pump, I had shut down. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, had a headache that been a dull pain and turned into a roar and was just trying to tell Dr. Brown what facts I knew. They placed a catheter and got fluids going and gave him some IV pain medication which almost immediately made him breath normal. He had no real deep pain sensation which wasn't a good sign. Enricka and I took x-rays while Leah occupied Cole. Shockingly there wasn't an obvious back injury, which suggested it was most likely a head inury. She gave him a steroid injection and I took him to the EC for the night.

The EC doctor called me at 1:00 am and said that he had developed nystagmus and asked if they could give Manitol which reduces the swelling in the brain. Cole and I went to pick him up in the morning. His front legs were almost completely stiff and we was even more disoriented than before. Dr. Mouser took care of him on Friday and Dr. Brown came up (it was her day off) to check on his neuro status. She had the difficult tasks of telling me his chances. She said 20% was being optimistic. I muddled through the day numbly taking in the words of sympathy.

I kept telling stories of Al, all day. I've had him almost 11 years and he has been my constant companion through all the many changes (jobs, husbands-yikes, towns, houses). When Shane and I were living in Oregon we stopped in the pet store that was next the grocery store. There was a litter of kittens that had been dropped off in a cardboard box, the entire litter was grey and there was one grey and white kitten. When we were shopping, Shane said he had to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he came around the aisle with Al. At the time we lived in an apartment that didn't allow pets so we decided to name him, "Al Capone" because he was a "criminal" in the building. I can still remember like yesterday the pride of taking my "new baby" to the vet that first time, I can remember the layout of the clinic, the proud pet photos on the wall, them taking a photo (poloroid of course) of him and adding him the the collage and the vet taking one look at his huge paws and saying he'd be a big tom cat (boy was he wrong). Al never met a dog, cat, or person he didn't like.

Around 4:00 pm Dr. Mouser said that he didn't seem to be improving and we agreed to euthanize him. I closed the office door and lost it as I called my mom. She agreed to pick up Cole, so I could be with Al. Around 5:00pm Dr. Mouser decided to give him another steroid injection and I sat with him. He started becoming slightly more orientate and responding to noise, when someone walked by jingling his keys he lifted his head. Dr. Mouser recommended I take him home for the night.

I took him home and continued to feed him through his NG tube and express his bladder. Around 11:00pm when I was preparing to do his treatments, he went stiff, gasped open-mouthed and quickly passed away. I cradled him and then got dressed and blindly drove him to work, calling Leah. I removed his catheter and NG tube, made my own pawprint and said my goodbyes. Even though it seems morbid, it was reassuring and comforting to me that I went through the process alone of saying goodbye. I found comfort in the steps of doing the routine of death that sadly we have to do too often at work. I'm also taking comfort that I had closure and got to say goodbye, instead of always wondering where he was and worrying. I'm thankful that I microchipped him so he didn't have to die alone at the shelter and thankful that someone called the shelter so he didn't die outside, either. So goodbye Al you were the best and most loyal pet I have ever had and thanks to everyone who has helped and offered support.

Picture this...

Me standing in the front yard with a child sized bright red baseball helmet squeezed onto my head, my hair molded around my face, holding an impossibly small tee-ball bat and laughing so hard I can't stand up straight! My, my what the neighbors must think.

Saturday we took Cole to see the newest "kid" movie out, "Everybody's Hero." It's a cute movie involving a kid that goes searching for Babe Ruth's stolen bat to get his dad's job back, because his dad was blamed for it. Anyway...since then Cole has talked non-stop about baseball. Tonight we stopped at Academy and he picked out a bat (a real one---scary!, can you see the face I'm making as I type this?), a glove, a ball, and of course he sweetly requested a helmet.

After dinner, we played for an hour! We had a blast. I'm surprised how well he can hit the ball when I throw it to him. We took turns hitting and he insisted I wear the helmet when it was my turn (which is why I looked so silly). We chased each other around the yard and practiced throwing and catching, sadly I believe his skills are already on par with mine. So tonight the bat and ball are resting quietly in the garage (out of handy Cole reach) until tomorrow night's "game".

These are the kids that I will have to teach someday...

This weekend Cole was invited to two birthday parties. One on Saturday and the other on Sunday.

Saturday's party was for a little boy who Cole went to daycare with for a few years. His mom had triplet girls (OMG!) last year. He has been out of daycare for six-months or so, but wanted to invite his old friends. The party was at his house. First, it was scheduled for four-hours! A four-hour birthday party, needless to say we didn't stay the entire time. There was no real organization to the party and total mayhem ensued. The birthday boy screamed at the top of his lungs every time someone touched a toy and proceeded to pout the majority of the day. His parents constantly where bribing him (hey, I've been known to bribe occasional myself, but not at every instance) and putting him in time out where he screamed louder and banged on their bedroom door. Timeout would be followed by rules that were shortly broken with no consequence. The birthday boy fought the majority of the time with another boy that goes to their daycare (who's party was on Sunday). The other boy was really out of control. His mom must have counted (you know 1.....2......3......Usually trailing off to 4) about 50 times!, but he not ONCE did what he was supposed to do and she did not ever follow through with what her intended consequence was. She was saying that he is just so hard to control and he is up to midnight every night, because "he just doesn't know what bedtime means". Neither kid seemed to mind their parents at any point.

The counting thing is my biggest pet peeve, why even bother if you aren't going to follow through? Counting works on Cole. After leaving the grocery store once and Kohl's before, Cole knows I will do whatever I said I was going to do if he didn't start listening.

The funniest part of the day was when another kid's mom from daycare was saying that the other night her husband (who is a vet) had to work late and she just told the daycare teacher there was "absolutely NO WAY that she could have her son do his homework (we are talking five minutes of letter writing) that night, because she had Nathan ALL BY HERSELF, she couldn't even make dinner and they had to go to Sonic." I tried to not laugh out loud. Oh my goodness, she had to parent by herself for one evening and it was so rough she couldn't help her son with five minutes of homework? What is this world coming to?

Cole didn't fight with anyone and was great at sharing with all the kids and even sweet to the toddling babygirls. He behaved well and had a good time.

Luckily, the party on Sunday was at "Chuckin' Cheese" (as Cole calls it) and was brief and had plenty of things to distract the kiddos. Ahhh....I can't wait to have these kids that don't know what rules are in my classroom..Oh wait, it will kinda of be like being at work, now!! Just kidding!

The truth hurts...

Last night we were leaving hockey practice and Cole was walking forward and looking backwards talking to me. There was a girl stopped in the aisle. As I was saying, "watch out!' he turned back around and ran face first into her butt. My mom and I started laughing. As we continued on Cole was saying "I ran into someone's bum" "I thought it was your bum mommy, but your bum is this big (holding his hands out as wide as possible <--------- O --------->). I started laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee on myself again. I looked back to see if my mom heard and she had stopped dead in her tracks and was doubled over (even closer to peeing than I was). Guess it is about time to get back to getting healthy!

I'm BAAACCK!

We got in today from the CVC (Central Veterinary Conference) in Kansas City, Missouri. All things considered it went pretty well.

I missed Cole like crazy even though I talked to him twice a day. He did well with my parents and they all survived. It seems Cole behaved and Toad the kitten was the one being a pest while I was away. Cole was so happy to see me today. He told me many, many times that he loved me, he loved "my whole self" and I was the best mommy. I brought him home a few things from my trip and he loved everything, even the "Kansas City" shirt I bought him. It's great to be back. I have the rest of the week off to spend with him and relax. He isn't going to Pre-K this week and I was pleased to see he has done his "homework" everynight.

We got to Kansas City on Friday afternoon after a long day of traveling. Luckily we didn't have any delays either way. After we checked into the hotel we headed over to the convention center to check in. Luckily, our hotel was very close. We then grabbed a taxi and headed to a bar/restaurant that Deb had been at before. We ate some dinner and then headed back to the room. In general I HATE sharing a room with a co-worker, it just weird to have to get ready for bed and such with someone you work with and then I'm stressed about snoring. I snore especially bad when my allergies are acting up, which of course they were. But all things considered, the rooming situation went well. Luckily, I have no problem poking fun at my self, so I can take a little teasing.

Saturday we spent an entire day at the conference. I was brain dead at the end of the day. During lunch time we walked by the exhibit hall and took a look at some of the new things out there. I watched a short video on Advantix to score a stuffed puppy for Cole! Saturday night we had dinner plans with our rep from Idexx. I was nervous about dinner. I hate meeting new people. I never know what to say and I always feel like I'm the dumbest one at the table, so I was dreading going. The dinner was held at a very nice restaurant. Our rep and several big-wigs from Idexx, as well as, some other clients were there. We were assigned seats. I sat across from a young-ish vet from Missouri and his technician girlfriend. Luckily they were both very nice and we didn't run out of things to say. The doctor's younger brother lives in Austin and he interviewed here fresh out of vet school. It was great comparing facts about the cities we live in and the places we work.

Sunday I attended another entire day of CE. When we got out I was so mentally tired and stir crazy. Deb was sick and went to bed. I wanted to go do something. I decided to go to the Plaza which is a huge outdoor outlet mall about 15 minutes away. As I was leaving, Deb said, "You are really going to go by yourself?" and I replied," Sure, I've done things by myself for years, it's no big deal!" Okay, so I stretched the truth. I actually HATE doing things alone. I rarely did before I had Cole. Once I had him, I had a constant companion, even when he was a infant and couldn't verbally keep me company I had no problem striking out on "my own". I went downstairs and got the bus schedule. I rode the bus to the Plaza and walked around. I bought Cole a few things and then asked for recommendations to eat dinner. I NEVER eat alone, either. Before I had Cole, I also never would go to a restaurant by myself. I bravely walked in and asked for a table for 1. I had the best ribs, I've ever had and enjoyed a nice relaxing dinner. While I was eating a torrential downpour began, the tornado warning sirens even went off (it was a little strange seeing tornado shelters everywhere). The streets were flooded in minutes. I walked through calf high water heading back towards the bus stop and getting soaked because I was out without an umbrella, but I was still having fun. Finally, I ducked inside the Cheesecake Factory to call a cab, because I was still a long way from the bus stop. I ordered a slice of cheesecake and a coffee to go and walked back out into the downpour to catch my cab. I feel weird in a cab. My mom always told me not to talk to strangers and never except a ride from someone you don't know. Catching a cab is breaking two rules at once. The roads were so flooded it took forever to get back to the hotel, because we keep having to take detours and the visibility was virtually zero (luckily he turned the meter off at every detour). Once back at the hotel I decided to go a concert (again alone) that we were given tickets to. It was Phil Vasser a C&W singer. I had no idea who he was, but heck it was free. The concert was pretty good and I actually knew some of his music. I can't believe I did all of that alone, I shocked myself!

So the rest of the conference was more of the same and pretty uneventful. It rained almost every day and since we haven't seen rain here in quite awhile it was pretty nice. On Sunday the highs were in the mid 80's, which was a nice relief from the heat. Plus, I don't feel so isolated about the challenges I face at work, every clinic had similar stresses/stories as mine.

I'm glad I made it home and got a chance so experience somewhere I've never been before.

Perspective

It’s sucks that I needed a kick in the rear to reverse my attitude about my current situation. I got that kick last night. I found that my friend’s brother and sister-in-law’s four year old daughter was just diagnosed with leukemia. Kelly was pregnant with Haley the same time that I was pregnant with Cole. She came and visited me shortly after I had Cole to ask questions about labor and having a newborn. I felt like I was punched in the stomach when I heard the news and it isn’t even my child. I can’t even begin to imagine how they are feeling. Cancer is such a scary word, but even worse when it is applied to a child.

Something happening to Cole is my worst nightmare. The thought of him being sick is frightening. I am always worried that something devastating will happen. I’ve been so busy saying “Whoa, is me.” I should be thankful that we are both happy and healthy and have a safe roof over our head.

It seems like most people I know are constantly whining and focus on what they can’t or don’t have instead of being appreciative of what they do have.

So last night, I hugged Cole a little bit harder and longer, gave him and extra kiss and said a prayer of thanks that we are doing alright. I hope that Haley responds well to treatment and goes on to having a great childhood. I made a promise to myself to cherish what I do have, because it’s true that it could always be worse.

Moved

Well, the long weekend of moving is finally over. As far as moving goes, it wasn't bad as it could have been. It was hotter than hades. We moved most of the day on Saturday and then got back here and set up the rooms and started unpacking. Cole and I have our own bedrooms and we have our own "TV" room, as well. My parents have been more than gracious trying to make us feel "at home".

On Sunday, we went back to the old place to clean up which is never fun. Today we had the carpets cleaned and I handed over the keys and got my entire deposit back. My landlord was such a jerk the entire time I lived there. Luckily the place was still in great condition even with me, my brother, a child, a dog, and three cats living there. So the deposit goes back to my parents who paid it initially and another chapter closes in my life.

Tonight I brought the cats over which boarded at work all weekend. Bandit is hiding under my parents bed, Toad is investigating everything, and Al is slinking around and has already been in/out the dog door several times. My parents dog is ignoring them and my brother's boxer is curious and wants to play. My dad REALLY dislikes cats. Everytime I've looked at him tonight he has been rolling his eyes and making faces. Al jumped in his lap and my dad said, "Get down!". Whewwww, not really sure how this is going to work. I guess, I need to keep trying to find them homes. Three cats is a lot, I admit (four including my parent's mostly outdoor cat). Cats are much less needy/annoying than dogs. They basically mind their own business, until bedtime or mealtime. But, in a house that isn't use to cats they are a BIG deal. I guess time will tell what further sacrifices we have to make.

Cole has been doing good since we moved. He slept in his new bunk bed two nights in a row. The first night he crawled in bed with me around 3:00 am. Last night made it until my alarm went off. He came in saying, "His bed was tired of him." We watched cartoons in my bed while I showered. When I came out my mom was laying in bed snuggling him. When he saw me, he gently pushed my mom and said, "I think it is time for you to get out now, Granny" as he opened his arms to me. We both cracked up.

So day three of living at home and we are all still alive, guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

Bunk Beds for two

My parents have bought Cole a bunk bed. He got to help pick it out and he was excited to go see it. We headed over last Sunday to go take a look. On the way, I asked him if he was going to sleep in his new bed alone. He said yes. I was shocked and excited and then he said, he was going to sleep on the top bed and the baby brother I was going to give him was going to sleep on the bottom. 'Scuse me? Bed check, scobby doo blankets check, baby brother, oops forget something.

When we got to my mom's he practiced climbing the ladder about a million times. My mom and I had to be his "baby brothers" (picture two grown women squeezed together on a twin sized mattress). Our names? He named my mom "Mister Beach" (which I pronounced Mister "BEE-AAACH") and I was "Mister Ball". We had a good time and Cole made a good, if somewhat bossy big brother.

So, I hope he enjoys his new bed and I'll will continue to play "baby brother"...just not every night.

Blogging break....down

It seems like everyone has taken a break from blogging. It's just that time of year. 101 degree days, no rain, and the final weeks of summer before school begins.

I haven't written in awhile, because I've been depressed and busy. My last few weeks of summer have been filled with endless nights of packing, sorting, donating, and disposing. It's amazing to me how much different this move is for both Cole and I. Neither one of us missed a beat last year when we moved from our house with Randy to one of our own. This move has been much more difficult in some ways. Deciding to leave Randy was a long process, where this move seems sudden. Plus, this oddly enough, is much worse for my ego. Cole has had a more difficult time, as well. He's a year older and much more aware of changes, plus giving up Bullet was difficult. We have our routine and any variation is sure to cause him some confusion. This will be a rough month. We are moving this weekend, I start classes next week, I leave next weekend for 5 days for CE and that's the longest we will have to be apart. When I get back, I have to finish cleaning this place and then my grandparents will be in town. That makes my mom, dad, Cole, me and my grandparents all under one roof. SCARY! My poor parents will REALLY miss their quite solitude!

Over all, I'm feeling better about the move. I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects. Like paying off debt, saving money, potentially having the freedom to go to school full-time and the ability to let my guard down and little and have some help with Cole. I'm looking forward to being able to walk or jog alone or maybe even run an errand or two!

Some days you just need affirmation to refocus on your goals. Today when I picked Cole up from his Pre-K class, I just sat and watched the class be so absorbed and focused on his teacher. I wattch them dance and play with imaginary instruments. Just sitting there watching those rapt and eager faces reminded me again why I want to teach. When you are trying to balance so much in your personal life and go to school, the focus becomes blurry. When I was still trying to decided to move home or not, my mom gave me some good advice. She said, you can do what is easier for your now (which was staying in this house) which might not be the right decision for your future. Or you can make a harder decision to sacrifice now, but achieve your goals sooner (finishing school and getting a house). That was the final advice I needed to make up my mind. I really want to teach (you know..Actual children, not adult children). I want to have more time to spend with Cole. If I continue to live my life without making any changes, I will continue to struggle, in all honesty I probably would give up my dream to teach, because I would never have the financial freedom to student teach, plus taking two classes a semester sure can drag out a degree plan.

So, armed with the renewed focus on my goal derived from Cole's classmates, I picked myself back up. Decided to make some time for fun. Cole and I have been needing some recently. We went to the pool. I forget how using your imagination with a child can make the doldrums of your "real" life slip away. See why I want to teach, I can escape every day and get paid (not well, mind you) for it.

Home

Home is where the heart is. Home is where the heart is. I keep repeating this to myself as the day draws closer and closer to when I will have to decide to move back in with my parents.

I left home when I was 18/19 and I haven't had to move back since and I have had some lean times. Don't get me wrong I LOVE and appreciate my family but it is a big sacrifice for both of us, if Cole and I move in.

However, I'm at the edge of the cliff, metaphorically speaking now. I don't really have any options left. I can either stubbornly cling to the hope that I can continue to do this without any financial support from the ex or give up now before my credit is ruined, which will severely impact Cole's future. Besides, right now my parents are helping financially and I know they are giving up things for themselves in order to help us. Moving home will allow us to save some money and I should only have to be there until next August when Cole starts school and I don't have to pay daycare.

Moving home means, giving up all of my animals, yes all. Well, probably not the Beta fish. Toad the kitten, and Bullet our dog proably won't be too hard to find new homes. But I have a 10 year old crotchety cat and a six year old "large" cat that I have had since they were kittens that will be difficult, if not impossible, to find homes for. But, what do I choose Cole or them? It's been heartbreaking to even consider this as an option.

I'm just so tired. I know it's mean, but I hope Randy is miserable. I hope he is feeling at least some of the stress and anguish that I'm feeling. It won't make up for all the mental fatigue, sleepless nights and tears of frustration I have lost, but it's better than thinking of him happy while I struggle to support our son. Last night I sent him an e-mail, which I'm sure he'll never respond to, because that's his way. I let him know exactly what he has done to us and what the consequences of him walking away are. I told him that not only did Cole have to go through his parent's getting divorced and moving from the house he'd known. Then his dad moved away, not allowing for any chance of ever having a relationship. Now he will have to move again from the house that has become his home and give up all his pets and move in with my parents who should not have to help support him. Someday (far from now) when I feel more healed, I will e-mail him a link to my blog, so he can see what a mess he made out of everything.

The story of the butterfly

Tonight as Cole and I were walking up the front porch several butterflies were flying around a potted plant I have next to the door. Cole said, "Mom do you want to know the story of the butterfly? A callapiller (no, not a typo) eats a tiny little leaf, then it lays on a different leaf and makes a gagoon (again, not a typo), then it wakes up and becomes a BEAUUUUUTIFUL butterfly." It's the little things in life that count.

Out of sight, out of mind...well not exactly

After work, Cole and went to Wallyworld so I could get an oil change and do some quick shopping. One of the things I was looking for was a bill organizer. I found what I was looking for. After we got home, I started trying to decide where to put it. I pay all of my bills on-line so the natural place would be beside the computer. However, the computer is in Cole's room and is used by my brother and his friends. Not that I think they'd be interested, but it's my personal business and contains personal info. I nixed that idea. Well, that pretty much left somewhere in my room to hang it. I sat on bed and looked around. Only one problem with that idea. I already have insomnia. I don't think laying on my bed and looking at the bills to be paid will help with that any. Besides credit card statements and utility bills aren't exactly the ambiance I was going for in my room. So I moved onto my bathroom. A even stranger place to hang a bill organizer. However, my file cabinet is in my closet in the bathroom, so it makes some sense. But, still it wasn't exactly something I wanted to look at every time I stepped through the bathroom door. So, I finally decided to hang it on the wall behind the bathroom door. Having a four-year old, three cats, and a dog I rarely if ever can close the bathroom door anyway. So, it's pretty much out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, almost. Yes, this very insignificant decision took me at least 30 minutes to make. It is a wonder I ever get anything done.

Where did the weekend go?

Well, it is Sunday evening and once again I can't believe the weekend flew by so fast. Friday I got out of work at 3:30. It was so nice. I have had to work late on Friday for so many years, I forgot how nice leaving early on Friday, can be. After a quick stop at the grocery store, Cole and I were home a little after 4:00 pm. I came home and was going to throw on some shorts and decided what the heck, it is no one here but us, so I got into my PJ's to make us dinner. We had a quiet and relaxing night.

Saturday we went swimming for a few hours with my mom. Afterwards, Cole went to my mom's house for a few hours. He always wants to go home with her after swimming (even when we went to the beach in Hawaii, he'd say Mommy I want to go to Granny's house later). I took a nice long shower, picked up the house, and got to read for a while, uninterrupted. Later, my parents picked me up and we went to dinner. Then Cole and I went bowling with Leah. He was so excited and had the best time. It was funny watching Leah watch him. I'm so used to how much he talks and all the silly things he does. She had the same thought as me..."wish I had that much energy". We then went for some Amy's (or as Leah calls it Yma's...don't ask) ice cream.

Sunday, we went to the Pirates of the Caribbean movie with my mom and Leah. Half the movie Cole acted scared and kept partially covering his eyes. But during our bathroom breaks he would say, "we gotta hurry back to the movie". Afterwards he said he loved the movie and wanted to go again. At least he will be another year older when the next one comes out. Afterwards we went to his hockey lessons. A few more weeks and he might be in the full gear learn to play class. YIKES! His instructor assured me that someone can tell me what equipment to buy and how to dress him, because I know diddly about hockey. It's hard enough getting his skates on every week.

Well, that about wraps it up. It's time for another worldwind week. I need to contact the attornery general this week, because still no mula has arrived..shocker! I also need to make some calls on alternate (read less expensive) health insurance for the bug, and decide what classes I'm going to take next semester.... oh, and deal with whatever drama this week at work brings, is it Friday yet?

The love of family and friends

People keep asking me if I'm ready to date again. No....HELL NO, actually! It is the furthest thing from my mind, actually something I cannot even fathom. The last four years of my life, Randy contributed little to nothing to my happiness or to Cole's. I'm comfortable with how my life is. Last week when someone at work asked me the above question and I gave my typical response. They said, "Don't you think that is unfair to Cole?" Actually, no I don't. Cole has the love of family and my friends. I'm thankful for all of them. As time progress, I have been overwhelmed with the love and support we have both been shown. People that are just a 'po as me, have offered to help any way they can. It means so much to me. Anyone that takes the time to get to know Cole, falls in love with him. That is what is important to me, not whether I have a man around to take care of us. A friend's girlfriend said tonight, "You can just tell he is such a happy little guy." That made my evening, because his happiness is all that matters to me. If ever at some point in my life (like when hell freezes over) I start to date again (shudder) it won't be because Cole wasn't loved enough.

Contest update

Well, tonight was the end of the fat loss contest I entered w/ Leah. I lost 9.6 lbs (I would have liked to lose more, but hey there was a vacation mixed in there). I lost 1.4% body fat. I lost 3.2 lbs of muscle, which wasn't good. The trainer said I had to eat a minimum of 130 grams of protein a day to not lose muscle while dieting. That is a lot of protein. Leah lost body fat % too! I'm sure we won't win, but I'm proud of us anyway. Hopefully, this contest will be a stepping stone for us.

The invisible gang

My son is an over-achiever. He doesn't just have an invisible friend. He has an entire gang. It's the Scooby Doo gang. You know Shaggy, Scooby, Velma, Daphne and Fred? For the past several days they have gone everywhere with us. Sunday at the grocery store they helped us push the cart. When returning to the car, we had to buckle all of their seat belts. I set my purse on the front seat and Cole said, "Mom, move your purse you just set it on Shaggy and Scooby". Oops, sorry I didn't realize they were both up front with me. At home they all took a bath with Cole and then we had to brush their teeth, that makes six sets of teeth, if you are counting. After brushing Cole's and two of the gangs, I wisely pulled the Cole you are such a big boy card. I told him that he was such a big helper that he could brush the rest of the gang's teeth, which he proudly did. We had to make room for them in the bed. The gang also rode with us to daycare the next morning (more seat belts - at least the gang is concerned about safety). At daycare, I closed the car door and Cole said, "Mom, all the gang isn't out of the car yet!". I had to open the door and let the remainder of the gang out. At least the gang is quiet and doesn't make a mess and hasn't increased my grocery bill. They are a good group to keep around!

I'm going to the chapel and I'm....

...going to get married. Okay, well, not the chapel but the county fair. Cole told me the other night that we need to get girl and boy cowboy boots. When I asked why, he said because he and I were going to get married at the county fair. We needed new boots and wedding clothes. I asked, what wedding clothes do I need and he said, "you know a dress like Cinderella." He said, he would wear "boy" wedding clothes. So, see just when me life seems the bleakess, Cole brightens my day.

Coming back from Hawaii has been a bummer. Randy is still not paying child support and is not reimbursing me for the insurance on Cole, either. Not to mention, avoiding contacting me and the lawyer. Last week, I placed a formal case with the attorney general. They will attempt to contact him and I'm not sure what happens from there. They have twenty days to respond back to me. I can't pay my bills much longer without any kind of support, especially with shouldering the entire insurance burden, as well. So, I'm just hanging on for now and trying to sort out my options. So, if I don't seem my sarcastic self these days, that is why. But anyway....does anyone know where a county fair is so I can go get married? :-)

Aloha!

We are back ;-( from Hawaii. The weather was beautiful and the scenery breathtaking. We had a wonderful time and are having trouble adjusting to the “real world”. Here is a recap of the trip.

We left on Saturday the 24th. It was a long day of traveling. We flew from Austin to Denver, which was a two-hour flight and then from Denver to Hawaii, which was close to a 7 hour flight. Hawaii is a five-hour time difference from Texas. That evening, everyone was dragging because it was like 1:00 am Texas time. Cole was still bouncing around.

The next morning, Cole, my mom, and I were up at around 4:00 am because we still hadn’t adjusted to the time change. We walked the ship and eagerly waited our first sunrise. The morning we left for Hawaii I had a sore throat. It got worse and I had a fever (followed by fever blisters on my nose and lip) for several days, but I was still in Hawaii!! The first official evening, my grandma wanted everyone to eat in the dinning room. Cole and I went to take a nap and I didn’t wake up when my mom called to wake us up or pounded on the door. I happened to wake up at exactly the time we were supposed to be downstairs for dinner. I showered in dressed in minutes, feeling like I was hung over. I dressed Cole (still sleeping), carried him downstairs to dinner, sleeping through 1 and ½ hours of dinner and then to a comedy show where he continued to sleep. I then carried him back to bed. He slept until 5:00 the next morning!

We did a lot of shore excursions and got to go to the beach several days. Some of my favorite sights were the active volcanoes. Volcanoes just seem so prehistoric to me. So to see the steam vents, see the “lunar landscape” of the volcanoes and to bend down and feel the heat radiating from below your feet was surreal. My favorite moment is when the cruise ship went by an active lava flow. It was nighttime and the lava glowed at the top of the mountain and then disappeared through a lava tube until it reached the ocean. It was glowing a wonderfully orange/red and even from that great distance you could feel the heat in the air. Sadly, this was the night Cole was sleeping through everything, so he missed it.

The cruise ship had a kid’s club that Cole enjoyed. Several evenings Cole went after dinner so I could catch a show. He had a great time and I got to relax. One night Cole and I went to the dance “club” with my parents and brother. Cole was on the dance floor, grooving and doing cart-wheels, it was so cute and funny. Our stateroom was small, but perfect for Cole and I, we sure missed having a balcony like we did in Alaska, though. The food wasn’t very good and the service was awful. This ship only services Hawaii and can only hire American workers. Sadly, it makes a big difference. Cole also, had a wonderful time with his cousins, in particular the younger one Christopher who is 8. Cole was so excited to see him every day and always wanted to hold his hand or sit next to him. Cole would say, “Cousin” whenever he wanted his attention, which would crack me up. Christopher was very nice to Cole and would help him at dinner and always make sure he was taken care of. It was nice, that Cole got to spend some time with family. My aunt, uncle and cousin’s live in California, so we rarely spend time with them.

Seeing Hawaii by ship was a good experience because you get to experience a little of the major islands (132 islands make up the Hawaiian islands). Most trips of the island where by bus and the tour drivers were very informative, however, by the end of the trip I was tired of hearing “Aloha” every second. We got a good deal of Hawaiian history. The white missionaries arrived on Hawaii and took the majority of the lands away from the natives (in the name of Christianity) and still own the majority of land today. The islands are also a very expensive place to live. An average house (on any of the touristy islands) is around $750,000. Gas is around $4/gallon, it was $5 a month or so ago. A gallon of milk is $4. I don’t know how anyone, can afford to live there. So now if I ever get a chance to go back, I would know where I wanted to go. Hawaii (the big island) was wonderful, because of the active volcanoes. Maui was somewhat of a disappointment. It was very industrialized and busy. They had beautiful beaches and a lot of movie stars own land there. We spent some time at a Maui beach. The waves were rough and at times we were knocked down and around. Thank goodness, I had packed Cole’s life vest. On the Maui beach, my mom got knocked down and we got a free peep show when she stood back up. My favorite island is Kauai. It was the most rugged and had some spectacular beaches. They had huge houses on the beach, which are just vacation homes. You can rent a house on the beach for about $5000/week. That’s what I would like to do someday.

Our final day, we had a chance to visit Pearl Harbor. I have always wanted to go there. It was very somber and a pivotal point in American history.

Our plane didn’t leave until 10:00 pm that night, so after our Pearl Harbor tour (and a bus breakdown) we were at the airport by 4:00 pm. At this point, everyone is tired and irritable. Luckily the airport has a USO room. Since my dad is retired military we got to use the room. It has a kid’s room, which had a TV and toys. Seeing the young, baby faced soldiers coming in and out of the USO room was heartbreaking. They are SO young and are away from home and serving their country. Cole and I didn’t have assigned seats on the flight from Hawaii back to Denver, so we went to the gate two hours early. (I had already tried to get us seats when we first arrived at the airport, but was told they could only do so at the gate, along with “We at United don’t want to separate families, don’t worry you will get to sit together”, funny we didn’t have seats together the FIRST time). They didn’t even have a gate attendant until about 45 minutes before the flight. I had a massive headache and was sick to my stomach and had already thrown up once and had to stand in line to try to get a seat together. The gate attendant said sorry we can’t help you until 30 minutes before take off. So, I had to sit back down again. Finally, with about 15 minutes left until take off, we got assigned seats together. Luckily, Cole was asleep by then and slept the entire way to Denver. We got home Sunday pm. Monday we were so jetlagged, we were virtually useless. So, back to reality we go!

We're not home!!!!

I walked outside tonight to throw some trash away and noticed a woman going door-to-door with a clipboard. When I went back inside the house, I told Cole that in a few minutes our doorbell would ring or someone would knock at the door. I said we were going to be real quiet and pretend we weren’t at home. “Why?,” he asked. I said because she was selling something and I didn’t want to talk to her. “Okay, Mom we will be sneaky-peaky and real quiet.” A few minutes later, we heard knocking at the door. Cole ducks down and loudly yells “WE’RE NOT HOME!!!!!”. Ummm, gee thanks, that was subtle. I started laughing and look at him. He looks back, wide-eyed and clamps his hand over his mouth and starts to laugh. So, by the WE’RE NOT HOME and the peals of laughter coming from inside, do you think we fooled her?

Today, is Father's Day. We spent the day with my family. I had Cole call Randy (very big of me, I thought). The first time he didn't answer or call back. We haven't heard from him since he left (so much for the Sunday/Wednesday phone calls, he promised, I'm soo surprised...not). I was never sure, he had made it to New York, just assumed. We finally reached him around 8pm. What did Cole have to say? "Happy Dad's Day in New York", "here is the phone mom". Randy said that he'd been meaning to call. He's been working odd jobs all week long. I didn't bother to ask about the child support he hasn't bothered to pay yet, because it would be all lies anyway. So, there you go. He's moved and moved on, without a second thought of how I'll support our son. ANYWAY....we are leaving for HOOO-WHY-EE in 5 days, so only good thoughts.

Week #2 of the fat loss contest

Well, Leah and I are midway through the second week of the "body fat loss" contest. The contest is up to $1400 for the winners. We will be re-weighed/measured in 3 weeks. I have been pleased with myself. I've been really disciplined with my diet and exercise, thus far. The real challenge will be the week long vacation surrounded by food 24/7. However the cruise ship does have a gym and my mom and I plan to walk every morning, as well. I have already lost 9 lbs. I won't know about the body fat until the final day, though. My goal is to lose 30 pounds by the end of September and then set a new goal. I have always battle with my weight. Several years ago, I actually lost over 50 lbs then watched (and ate) as it crept back up. When I'm sad or stressed I eat and as my marriage spiraled downward my weight crept upwards. I've put aside all the excused I've made for myself over the years and am determined to continue to focus on my goal everyday. I want to be a fit and healthy mom for Cole, so I can continue to enjoy all the physical things we do. Also, I want to be a positive role model for Cole.

Typically, I stick to one exercise routine and then get bored after time. This time I'm trying several different things to add variety. We even tried spinning this week. When I first joined the gym and saw a spinning class, I swore I would never even try the class. Now, 5 months later here I find myself sitting on a bike, peddling away (going nowhere fast). One question though, with all the "natural" padding I have on my behind, why does the seat hurt so DAMN much? My nether regions hurt so bad for 2 days (they say it gets better after the third or fourth time, we'll see). Plus, having exercise buddies Leah & Maureen (who officially joined this week) have helped. It's added motivation and makes the time fly (especially laughing at Maureen).

So, hopefully 3 weeks from now, I will be a winner!! Wait a minute, I'll be a winner no matter what because I'm making the appropriate changes to better my life.

This time next year...

Well, Randy leaves for NY tomorrow. He finally called me @ 5:15pm to see if he could come say goodbye to Cole. I said yes, but told him that he would need to be at my house by 6:00 pm because my exercise class was @ 6:30, he showed up at 6:20..URGHH. When I got home a little after 8:00 pm, we spoke for a few minutes and then he said was going to go. He gave Cole a hug and said "I love you, be good for your mom. Remember I'm moving to New York and won't see you for a year or so. Maybe, this time next year you can come visit me for a few weeks, I'll talk to your mom". Cole said he only wanted to go to NY with me and Randy replied, "No, your mom HATES NY" and shot me a look. I didn't even respond, because the details of how Cole would even get to NY, I'm sure have never even been considered. He promised to call every Sunday & Wednesday, even though he doesn't speak to him twice a week now. He gave him another quick hug and left. Well, that's it folks, my bet is next year, will turn into never, but we will see.

Just for the record, the only reason I hated NY was because I was two months pregnant when we went to visit for a week. I was in full blown morning sickness (read vomiting and so extremely exhausted) and the ONLY thing we did was hang out with his friends until the wee hours of the morning while they smoked and drank (until Randy was too drunk to tell me how to drive back to his foster parent's house). The rooms would be so filled with smoke you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. The type of environment every pregnant women wants to be in (even without morning sickness). His foster parents were not the nicest people (also chained smoked in their house) and his foster dad got out a plastic bat (Mr. Yellow...the bat even had a name) to hit one of the foster kids (because he got down from the table w/o asking) until I got upset. (The kid was only 3 and there because his mom abused him, for god sake...also he put the kid in timeout for 30 minutes....a three year old in timeout for 30 minutes!!!). His foster mom was upset because the kid and his younger brother bonded to me immediately (probably because I played with them and didn't scream @ them all day, like she did). Randy said that his mom used to have a lot of patience with foster kids, but she was too old now. Well, I guess she shouldn't still be fostering them then! I know they gave Randy a better home than he would have had otherwise, but jeez, they were beyond the point of continuing to foster kids. I couldn't even imagine how hard it would be to foster kids (I would want to keep them all), but still, it was very upsetting. Besides all that, there was a heat wave and it was around 100 all week long and they don't have AC up there. Yeah, I had a lot of reasons to love New York.

Rant

ARGGGGHHH! I’m so stressed out. It has been a rough few weeks at work (which I can’t vent about because so many of my work “friends”, as Cole calls them read my blog). On top of the work craziness the stress of Randy moving is driving me insane. Everyone is constantly talking to me about it and the constant drama is driving me crazy. I know everyone is concerned, which I greatly appreciate. But, I have never been one who really tells someone (other than my mom) everything. I usually gloss over the details and keep the rest to myself, which slowly eats me alive. Blogging has actually been a great relief. It creates a way for me to vent. After typing like crazy, I usually feel better.

He is moving this Friday. I mentioned a few posts ago that I suggested he see Cole on Saturday, since he was moving. He was supposed to call. Yup, never heard from him. He finally called on Sunday because he wanted to come drop-off Cole’s toys, but he called after Cole was asleep, so he still didn’t get to see him. He is absolutely the most aggravating person I know. I’m really stressed about him moving without a job. Besides paying child support he is supposed to cover Cole’s health insurance. If I have to cover it, it will be about $400 month and he would have to reimburse me, yeah that’s likely. After MANY e-mails to the lawyer, which get forwarded to Randy, he called and said “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on missing any payments.” “I know how you get stressed out about these things, after all, I was married to you.” Being married to him, was what made me stressed out all the time. I’m stressed about relying on him, I'm stressed about him being responsible enough to financial take care of Cole for 14 more years. His number one priority is himself and that will never change. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything while living here (like providing up-to-date insurance cards), let alone across the country.

I’m stressed out, but I’m determined to put this behind me. I’m tired of letting my feelings towards him ruin my life. Once he leaves on Friday, I’m done. No matter what, I’m going to soldier on. I will make the most of my life with Cole So, I have four remaining days to let him irritate me and then I will put this past me once and for all (oh, okay...except really bad days).

Thanks to all my family and friends who have listened to me and supported me every step of the way. I couldn't have done any of this without you.

I'm going to make a promise to myself to take one day at a time. By nature I'm a quitter....no duh, divorced twice. I'm not afraid of hardwork, but I get discouraged easily. I'm going to focus on taking tiny baby steps instead of looking forward to the finish line. Inspite of everything, I am in a MUCH better place than I was this time last year. So, thanks again to everyone, I love ya!