I'm BAAACCK!

We got in today from the CVC (Central Veterinary Conference) in Kansas City, Missouri. All things considered it went pretty well.

I missed Cole like crazy even though I talked to him twice a day. He did well with my parents and they all survived. It seems Cole behaved and Toad the kitten was the one being a pest while I was away. Cole was so happy to see me today. He told me many, many times that he loved me, he loved "my whole self" and I was the best mommy. I brought him home a few things from my trip and he loved everything, even the "Kansas City" shirt I bought him. It's great to be back. I have the rest of the week off to spend with him and relax. He isn't going to Pre-K this week and I was pleased to see he has done his "homework" everynight.

We got to Kansas City on Friday afternoon after a long day of traveling. Luckily we didn't have any delays either way. After we checked into the hotel we headed over to the convention center to check in. Luckily, our hotel was very close. We then grabbed a taxi and headed to a bar/restaurant that Deb had been at before. We ate some dinner and then headed back to the room. In general I HATE sharing a room with a co-worker, it just weird to have to get ready for bed and such with someone you work with and then I'm stressed about snoring. I snore especially bad when my allergies are acting up, which of course they were. But all things considered, the rooming situation went well. Luckily, I have no problem poking fun at my self, so I can take a little teasing.

Saturday we spent an entire day at the conference. I was brain dead at the end of the day. During lunch time we walked by the exhibit hall and took a look at some of the new things out there. I watched a short video on Advantix to score a stuffed puppy for Cole! Saturday night we had dinner plans with our rep from Idexx. I was nervous about dinner. I hate meeting new people. I never know what to say and I always feel like I'm the dumbest one at the table, so I was dreading going. The dinner was held at a very nice restaurant. Our rep and several big-wigs from Idexx, as well as, some other clients were there. We were assigned seats. I sat across from a young-ish vet from Missouri and his technician girlfriend. Luckily they were both very nice and we didn't run out of things to say. The doctor's younger brother lives in Austin and he interviewed here fresh out of vet school. It was great comparing facts about the cities we live in and the places we work.

Sunday I attended another entire day of CE. When we got out I was so mentally tired and stir crazy. Deb was sick and went to bed. I wanted to go do something. I decided to go to the Plaza which is a huge outdoor outlet mall about 15 minutes away. As I was leaving, Deb said, "You are really going to go by yourself?" and I replied," Sure, I've done things by myself for years, it's no big deal!" Okay, so I stretched the truth. I actually HATE doing things alone. I rarely did before I had Cole. Once I had him, I had a constant companion, even when he was a infant and couldn't verbally keep me company I had no problem striking out on "my own". I went downstairs and got the bus schedule. I rode the bus to the Plaza and walked around. I bought Cole a few things and then asked for recommendations to eat dinner. I NEVER eat alone, either. Before I had Cole, I also never would go to a restaurant by myself. I bravely walked in and asked for a table for 1. I had the best ribs, I've ever had and enjoyed a nice relaxing dinner. While I was eating a torrential downpour began, the tornado warning sirens even went off (it was a little strange seeing tornado shelters everywhere). The streets were flooded in minutes. I walked through calf high water heading back towards the bus stop and getting soaked because I was out without an umbrella, but I was still having fun. Finally, I ducked inside the Cheesecake Factory to call a cab, because I was still a long way from the bus stop. I ordered a slice of cheesecake and a coffee to go and walked back out into the downpour to catch my cab. I feel weird in a cab. My mom always told me not to talk to strangers and never except a ride from someone you don't know. Catching a cab is breaking two rules at once. The roads were so flooded it took forever to get back to the hotel, because we keep having to take detours and the visibility was virtually zero (luckily he turned the meter off at every detour). Once back at the hotel I decided to go a concert (again alone) that we were given tickets to. It was Phil Vasser a C&W singer. I had no idea who he was, but heck it was free. The concert was pretty good and I actually knew some of his music. I can't believe I did all of that alone, I shocked myself!

So the rest of the conference was more of the same and pretty uneventful. It rained almost every day and since we haven't seen rain here in quite awhile it was pretty nice. On Sunday the highs were in the mid 80's, which was a nice relief from the heat. Plus, I don't feel so isolated about the challenges I face at work, every clinic had similar stresses/stories as mine.

I'm glad I made it home and got a chance so experience somewhere I've never been before.

Perspective

It’s sucks that I needed a kick in the rear to reverse my attitude about my current situation. I got that kick last night. I found that my friend’s brother and sister-in-law’s four year old daughter was just diagnosed with leukemia. Kelly was pregnant with Haley the same time that I was pregnant with Cole. She came and visited me shortly after I had Cole to ask questions about labor and having a newborn. I felt like I was punched in the stomach when I heard the news and it isn’t even my child. I can’t even begin to imagine how they are feeling. Cancer is such a scary word, but even worse when it is applied to a child.

Something happening to Cole is my worst nightmare. The thought of him being sick is frightening. I am always worried that something devastating will happen. I’ve been so busy saying “Whoa, is me.” I should be thankful that we are both happy and healthy and have a safe roof over our head.

It seems like most people I know are constantly whining and focus on what they can’t or don’t have instead of being appreciative of what they do have.

So last night, I hugged Cole a little bit harder and longer, gave him and extra kiss and said a prayer of thanks that we are doing alright. I hope that Haley responds well to treatment and goes on to having a great childhood. I made a promise to myself to cherish what I do have, because it’s true that it could always be worse.

Moved

Well, the long weekend of moving is finally over. As far as moving goes, it wasn't bad as it could have been. It was hotter than hades. We moved most of the day on Saturday and then got back here and set up the rooms and started unpacking. Cole and I have our own bedrooms and we have our own "TV" room, as well. My parents have been more than gracious trying to make us feel "at home".

On Sunday, we went back to the old place to clean up which is never fun. Today we had the carpets cleaned and I handed over the keys and got my entire deposit back. My landlord was such a jerk the entire time I lived there. Luckily the place was still in great condition even with me, my brother, a child, a dog, and three cats living there. So the deposit goes back to my parents who paid it initially and another chapter closes in my life.

Tonight I brought the cats over which boarded at work all weekend. Bandit is hiding under my parents bed, Toad is investigating everything, and Al is slinking around and has already been in/out the dog door several times. My parents dog is ignoring them and my brother's boxer is curious and wants to play. My dad REALLY dislikes cats. Everytime I've looked at him tonight he has been rolling his eyes and making faces. Al jumped in his lap and my dad said, "Get down!". Whewwww, not really sure how this is going to work. I guess, I need to keep trying to find them homes. Three cats is a lot, I admit (four including my parent's mostly outdoor cat). Cats are much less needy/annoying than dogs. They basically mind their own business, until bedtime or mealtime. But, in a house that isn't use to cats they are a BIG deal. I guess time will tell what further sacrifices we have to make.

Cole has been doing good since we moved. He slept in his new bunk bed two nights in a row. The first night he crawled in bed with me around 3:00 am. Last night made it until my alarm went off. He came in saying, "His bed was tired of him." We watched cartoons in my bed while I showered. When I came out my mom was laying in bed snuggling him. When he saw me, he gently pushed my mom and said, "I think it is time for you to get out now, Granny" as he opened his arms to me. We both cracked up.

So day three of living at home and we are all still alive, guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

Bunk Beds for two

My parents have bought Cole a bunk bed. He got to help pick it out and he was excited to go see it. We headed over last Sunday to go take a look. On the way, I asked him if he was going to sleep in his new bed alone. He said yes. I was shocked and excited and then he said, he was going to sleep on the top bed and the baby brother I was going to give him was going to sleep on the bottom. 'Scuse me? Bed check, scobby doo blankets check, baby brother, oops forget something.

When we got to my mom's he practiced climbing the ladder about a million times. My mom and I had to be his "baby brothers" (picture two grown women squeezed together on a twin sized mattress). Our names? He named my mom "Mister Beach" (which I pronounced Mister "BEE-AAACH") and I was "Mister Ball". We had a good time and Cole made a good, if somewhat bossy big brother.

So, I hope he enjoys his new bed and I'll will continue to play "baby brother"...just not every night.

Blogging break....down

It seems like everyone has taken a break from blogging. It's just that time of year. 101 degree days, no rain, and the final weeks of summer before school begins.

I haven't written in awhile, because I've been depressed and busy. My last few weeks of summer have been filled with endless nights of packing, sorting, donating, and disposing. It's amazing to me how much different this move is for both Cole and I. Neither one of us missed a beat last year when we moved from our house with Randy to one of our own. This move has been much more difficult in some ways. Deciding to leave Randy was a long process, where this move seems sudden. Plus, this oddly enough, is much worse for my ego. Cole has had a more difficult time, as well. He's a year older and much more aware of changes, plus giving up Bullet was difficult. We have our routine and any variation is sure to cause him some confusion. This will be a rough month. We are moving this weekend, I start classes next week, I leave next weekend for 5 days for CE and that's the longest we will have to be apart. When I get back, I have to finish cleaning this place and then my grandparents will be in town. That makes my mom, dad, Cole, me and my grandparents all under one roof. SCARY! My poor parents will REALLY miss their quite solitude!

Over all, I'm feeling better about the move. I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects. Like paying off debt, saving money, potentially having the freedom to go to school full-time and the ability to let my guard down and little and have some help with Cole. I'm looking forward to being able to walk or jog alone or maybe even run an errand or two!

Some days you just need affirmation to refocus on your goals. Today when I picked Cole up from his Pre-K class, I just sat and watched the class be so absorbed and focused on his teacher. I wattch them dance and play with imaginary instruments. Just sitting there watching those rapt and eager faces reminded me again why I want to teach. When you are trying to balance so much in your personal life and go to school, the focus becomes blurry. When I was still trying to decided to move home or not, my mom gave me some good advice. She said, you can do what is easier for your now (which was staying in this house) which might not be the right decision for your future. Or you can make a harder decision to sacrifice now, but achieve your goals sooner (finishing school and getting a house). That was the final advice I needed to make up my mind. I really want to teach (you know..Actual children, not adult children). I want to have more time to spend with Cole. If I continue to live my life without making any changes, I will continue to struggle, in all honesty I probably would give up my dream to teach, because I would never have the financial freedom to student teach, plus taking two classes a semester sure can drag out a degree plan.

So, armed with the renewed focus on my goal derived from Cole's classmates, I picked myself back up. Decided to make some time for fun. Cole and I have been needing some recently. We went to the pool. I forget how using your imagination with a child can make the doldrums of your "real" life slip away. See why I want to teach, I can escape every day and get paid (not well, mind you) for it.

Home

Home is where the heart is. Home is where the heart is. I keep repeating this to myself as the day draws closer and closer to when I will have to decide to move back in with my parents.

I left home when I was 18/19 and I haven't had to move back since and I have had some lean times. Don't get me wrong I LOVE and appreciate my family but it is a big sacrifice for both of us, if Cole and I move in.

However, I'm at the edge of the cliff, metaphorically speaking now. I don't really have any options left. I can either stubbornly cling to the hope that I can continue to do this without any financial support from the ex or give up now before my credit is ruined, which will severely impact Cole's future. Besides, right now my parents are helping financially and I know they are giving up things for themselves in order to help us. Moving home will allow us to save some money and I should only have to be there until next August when Cole starts school and I don't have to pay daycare.

Moving home means, giving up all of my animals, yes all. Well, probably not the Beta fish. Toad the kitten, and Bullet our dog proably won't be too hard to find new homes. But I have a 10 year old crotchety cat and a six year old "large" cat that I have had since they were kittens that will be difficult, if not impossible, to find homes for. But, what do I choose Cole or them? It's been heartbreaking to even consider this as an option.

I'm just so tired. I know it's mean, but I hope Randy is miserable. I hope he is feeling at least some of the stress and anguish that I'm feeling. It won't make up for all the mental fatigue, sleepless nights and tears of frustration I have lost, but it's better than thinking of him happy while I struggle to support our son. Last night I sent him an e-mail, which I'm sure he'll never respond to, because that's his way. I let him know exactly what he has done to us and what the consequences of him walking away are. I told him that not only did Cole have to go through his parent's getting divorced and moving from the house he'd known. Then his dad moved away, not allowing for any chance of ever having a relationship. Now he will have to move again from the house that has become his home and give up all his pets and move in with my parents who should not have to help support him. Someday (far from now) when I feel more healed, I will e-mail him a link to my blog, so he can see what a mess he made out of everything.

The story of the butterfly

Tonight as Cole and I were walking up the front porch several butterflies were flying around a potted plant I have next to the door. Cole said, "Mom do you want to know the story of the butterfly? A callapiller (no, not a typo) eats a tiny little leaf, then it lays on a different leaf and makes a gagoon (again, not a typo), then it wakes up and becomes a BEAUUUUUTIFUL butterfly." It's the little things in life that count.

Out of sight, out of mind...well not exactly

After work, Cole and went to Wallyworld so I could get an oil change and do some quick shopping. One of the things I was looking for was a bill organizer. I found what I was looking for. After we got home, I started trying to decide where to put it. I pay all of my bills on-line so the natural place would be beside the computer. However, the computer is in Cole's room and is used by my brother and his friends. Not that I think they'd be interested, but it's my personal business and contains personal info. I nixed that idea. Well, that pretty much left somewhere in my room to hang it. I sat on bed and looked around. Only one problem with that idea. I already have insomnia. I don't think laying on my bed and looking at the bills to be paid will help with that any. Besides credit card statements and utility bills aren't exactly the ambiance I was going for in my room. So I moved onto my bathroom. A even stranger place to hang a bill organizer. However, my file cabinet is in my closet in the bathroom, so it makes some sense. But, still it wasn't exactly something I wanted to look at every time I stepped through the bathroom door. So, I finally decided to hang it on the wall behind the bathroom door. Having a four-year old, three cats, and a dog I rarely if ever can close the bathroom door anyway. So, it's pretty much out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, almost. Yes, this very insignificant decision took me at least 30 minutes to make. It is a wonder I ever get anything done.

Where did the weekend go?

Well, it is Sunday evening and once again I can't believe the weekend flew by so fast. Friday I got out of work at 3:30. It was so nice. I have had to work late on Friday for so many years, I forgot how nice leaving early on Friday, can be. After a quick stop at the grocery store, Cole and I were home a little after 4:00 pm. I came home and was going to throw on some shorts and decided what the heck, it is no one here but us, so I got into my PJ's to make us dinner. We had a quiet and relaxing night.

Saturday we went swimming for a few hours with my mom. Afterwards, Cole went to my mom's house for a few hours. He always wants to go home with her after swimming (even when we went to the beach in Hawaii, he'd say Mommy I want to go to Granny's house later). I took a nice long shower, picked up the house, and got to read for a while, uninterrupted. Later, my parents picked me up and we went to dinner. Then Cole and I went bowling with Leah. He was so excited and had the best time. It was funny watching Leah watch him. I'm so used to how much he talks and all the silly things he does. She had the same thought as me..."wish I had that much energy". We then went for some Amy's (or as Leah calls it Yma's...don't ask) ice cream.

Sunday, we went to the Pirates of the Caribbean movie with my mom and Leah. Half the movie Cole acted scared and kept partially covering his eyes. But during our bathroom breaks he would say, "we gotta hurry back to the movie". Afterwards he said he loved the movie and wanted to go again. At least he will be another year older when the next one comes out. Afterwards we went to his hockey lessons. A few more weeks and he might be in the full gear learn to play class. YIKES! His instructor assured me that someone can tell me what equipment to buy and how to dress him, because I know diddly about hockey. It's hard enough getting his skates on every week.

Well, that about wraps it up. It's time for another worldwind week. I need to contact the attornery general this week, because still no mula has arrived..shocker! I also need to make some calls on alternate (read less expensive) health insurance for the bug, and decide what classes I'm going to take next semester.... oh, and deal with whatever drama this week at work brings, is it Friday yet?

The love of family and friends

People keep asking me if I'm ready to date again. No....HELL NO, actually! It is the furthest thing from my mind, actually something I cannot even fathom. The last four years of my life, Randy contributed little to nothing to my happiness or to Cole's. I'm comfortable with how my life is. Last week when someone at work asked me the above question and I gave my typical response. They said, "Don't you think that is unfair to Cole?" Actually, no I don't. Cole has the love of family and my friends. I'm thankful for all of them. As time progress, I have been overwhelmed with the love and support we have both been shown. People that are just a 'po as me, have offered to help any way they can. It means so much to me. Anyone that takes the time to get to know Cole, falls in love with him. That is what is important to me, not whether I have a man around to take care of us. A friend's girlfriend said tonight, "You can just tell he is such a happy little guy." That made my evening, because his happiness is all that matters to me. If ever at some point in my life (like when hell freezes over) I start to date again (shudder) it won't be because Cole wasn't loved enough.

Contest update

Well, tonight was the end of the fat loss contest I entered w/ Leah. I lost 9.6 lbs (I would have liked to lose more, but hey there was a vacation mixed in there). I lost 1.4% body fat. I lost 3.2 lbs of muscle, which wasn't good. The trainer said I had to eat a minimum of 130 grams of protein a day to not lose muscle while dieting. That is a lot of protein. Leah lost body fat % too! I'm sure we won't win, but I'm proud of us anyway. Hopefully, this contest will be a stepping stone for us.

The invisible gang

My son is an over-achiever. He doesn't just have an invisible friend. He has an entire gang. It's the Scooby Doo gang. You know Shaggy, Scooby, Velma, Daphne and Fred? For the past several days they have gone everywhere with us. Sunday at the grocery store they helped us push the cart. When returning to the car, we had to buckle all of their seat belts. I set my purse on the front seat and Cole said, "Mom, move your purse you just set it on Shaggy and Scooby". Oops, sorry I didn't realize they were both up front with me. At home they all took a bath with Cole and then we had to brush their teeth, that makes six sets of teeth, if you are counting. After brushing Cole's and two of the gangs, I wisely pulled the Cole you are such a big boy card. I told him that he was such a big helper that he could brush the rest of the gang's teeth, which he proudly did. We had to make room for them in the bed. The gang also rode with us to daycare the next morning (more seat belts - at least the gang is concerned about safety). At daycare, I closed the car door and Cole said, "Mom, all the gang isn't out of the car yet!". I had to open the door and let the remainder of the gang out. At least the gang is quiet and doesn't make a mess and hasn't increased my grocery bill. They are a good group to keep around!

I'm going to the chapel and I'm....

...going to get married. Okay, well, not the chapel but the county fair. Cole told me the other night that we need to get girl and boy cowboy boots. When I asked why, he said because he and I were going to get married at the county fair. We needed new boots and wedding clothes. I asked, what wedding clothes do I need and he said, "you know a dress like Cinderella." He said, he would wear "boy" wedding clothes. So, see just when me life seems the bleakess, Cole brightens my day.

Coming back from Hawaii has been a bummer. Randy is still not paying child support and is not reimbursing me for the insurance on Cole, either. Not to mention, avoiding contacting me and the lawyer. Last week, I placed a formal case with the attorney general. They will attempt to contact him and I'm not sure what happens from there. They have twenty days to respond back to me. I can't pay my bills much longer without any kind of support, especially with shouldering the entire insurance burden, as well. So, I'm just hanging on for now and trying to sort out my options. So, if I don't seem my sarcastic self these days, that is why. But anyway....does anyone know where a county fair is so I can go get married? :-)

Aloha!

We are back ;-( from Hawaii. The weather was beautiful and the scenery breathtaking. We had a wonderful time and are having trouble adjusting to the “real world”. Here is a recap of the trip.

We left on Saturday the 24th. It was a long day of traveling. We flew from Austin to Denver, which was a two-hour flight and then from Denver to Hawaii, which was close to a 7 hour flight. Hawaii is a five-hour time difference from Texas. That evening, everyone was dragging because it was like 1:00 am Texas time. Cole was still bouncing around.

The next morning, Cole, my mom, and I were up at around 4:00 am because we still hadn’t adjusted to the time change. We walked the ship and eagerly waited our first sunrise. The morning we left for Hawaii I had a sore throat. It got worse and I had a fever (followed by fever blisters on my nose and lip) for several days, but I was still in Hawaii!! The first official evening, my grandma wanted everyone to eat in the dinning room. Cole and I went to take a nap and I didn’t wake up when my mom called to wake us up or pounded on the door. I happened to wake up at exactly the time we were supposed to be downstairs for dinner. I showered in dressed in minutes, feeling like I was hung over. I dressed Cole (still sleeping), carried him downstairs to dinner, sleeping through 1 and ½ hours of dinner and then to a comedy show where he continued to sleep. I then carried him back to bed. He slept until 5:00 the next morning!

We did a lot of shore excursions and got to go to the beach several days. Some of my favorite sights were the active volcanoes. Volcanoes just seem so prehistoric to me. So to see the steam vents, see the “lunar landscape” of the volcanoes and to bend down and feel the heat radiating from below your feet was surreal. My favorite moment is when the cruise ship went by an active lava flow. It was nighttime and the lava glowed at the top of the mountain and then disappeared through a lava tube until it reached the ocean. It was glowing a wonderfully orange/red and even from that great distance you could feel the heat in the air. Sadly, this was the night Cole was sleeping through everything, so he missed it.

The cruise ship had a kid’s club that Cole enjoyed. Several evenings Cole went after dinner so I could catch a show. He had a great time and I got to relax. One night Cole and I went to the dance “club” with my parents and brother. Cole was on the dance floor, grooving and doing cart-wheels, it was so cute and funny. Our stateroom was small, but perfect for Cole and I, we sure missed having a balcony like we did in Alaska, though. The food wasn’t very good and the service was awful. This ship only services Hawaii and can only hire American workers. Sadly, it makes a big difference. Cole also, had a wonderful time with his cousins, in particular the younger one Christopher who is 8. Cole was so excited to see him every day and always wanted to hold his hand or sit next to him. Cole would say, “Cousin” whenever he wanted his attention, which would crack me up. Christopher was very nice to Cole and would help him at dinner and always make sure he was taken care of. It was nice, that Cole got to spend some time with family. My aunt, uncle and cousin’s live in California, so we rarely spend time with them.

Seeing Hawaii by ship was a good experience because you get to experience a little of the major islands (132 islands make up the Hawaiian islands). Most trips of the island where by bus and the tour drivers were very informative, however, by the end of the trip I was tired of hearing “Aloha” every second. We got a good deal of Hawaiian history. The white missionaries arrived on Hawaii and took the majority of the lands away from the natives (in the name of Christianity) and still own the majority of land today. The islands are also a very expensive place to live. An average house (on any of the touristy islands) is around $750,000. Gas is around $4/gallon, it was $5 a month or so ago. A gallon of milk is $4. I don’t know how anyone, can afford to live there. So now if I ever get a chance to go back, I would know where I wanted to go. Hawaii (the big island) was wonderful, because of the active volcanoes. Maui was somewhat of a disappointment. It was very industrialized and busy. They had beautiful beaches and a lot of movie stars own land there. We spent some time at a Maui beach. The waves were rough and at times we were knocked down and around. Thank goodness, I had packed Cole’s life vest. On the Maui beach, my mom got knocked down and we got a free peep show when she stood back up. My favorite island is Kauai. It was the most rugged and had some spectacular beaches. They had huge houses on the beach, which are just vacation homes. You can rent a house on the beach for about $5000/week. That’s what I would like to do someday.

Our final day, we had a chance to visit Pearl Harbor. I have always wanted to go there. It was very somber and a pivotal point in American history.

Our plane didn’t leave until 10:00 pm that night, so after our Pearl Harbor tour (and a bus breakdown) we were at the airport by 4:00 pm. At this point, everyone is tired and irritable. Luckily the airport has a USO room. Since my dad is retired military we got to use the room. It has a kid’s room, which had a TV and toys. Seeing the young, baby faced soldiers coming in and out of the USO room was heartbreaking. They are SO young and are away from home and serving their country. Cole and I didn’t have assigned seats on the flight from Hawaii back to Denver, so we went to the gate two hours early. (I had already tried to get us seats when we first arrived at the airport, but was told they could only do so at the gate, along with “We at United don’t want to separate families, don’t worry you will get to sit together”, funny we didn’t have seats together the FIRST time). They didn’t even have a gate attendant until about 45 minutes before the flight. I had a massive headache and was sick to my stomach and had already thrown up once and had to stand in line to try to get a seat together. The gate attendant said sorry we can’t help you until 30 minutes before take off. So, I had to sit back down again. Finally, with about 15 minutes left until take off, we got assigned seats together. Luckily, Cole was asleep by then and slept the entire way to Denver. We got home Sunday pm. Monday we were so jetlagged, we were virtually useless. So, back to reality we go!

We're not home!!!!

I walked outside tonight to throw some trash away and noticed a woman going door-to-door with a clipboard. When I went back inside the house, I told Cole that in a few minutes our doorbell would ring or someone would knock at the door. I said we were going to be real quiet and pretend we weren’t at home. “Why?,” he asked. I said because she was selling something and I didn’t want to talk to her. “Okay, Mom we will be sneaky-peaky and real quiet.” A few minutes later, we heard knocking at the door. Cole ducks down and loudly yells “WE’RE NOT HOME!!!!!”. Ummm, gee thanks, that was subtle. I started laughing and look at him. He looks back, wide-eyed and clamps his hand over his mouth and starts to laugh. So, by the WE’RE NOT HOME and the peals of laughter coming from inside, do you think we fooled her?

Today, is Father's Day. We spent the day with my family. I had Cole call Randy (very big of me, I thought). The first time he didn't answer or call back. We haven't heard from him since he left (so much for the Sunday/Wednesday phone calls, he promised, I'm soo surprised...not). I was never sure, he had made it to New York, just assumed. We finally reached him around 8pm. What did Cole have to say? "Happy Dad's Day in New York", "here is the phone mom". Randy said that he'd been meaning to call. He's been working odd jobs all week long. I didn't bother to ask about the child support he hasn't bothered to pay yet, because it would be all lies anyway. So, there you go. He's moved and moved on, without a second thought of how I'll support our son. ANYWAY....we are leaving for HOOO-WHY-EE in 5 days, so only good thoughts.

Week #2 of the fat loss contest

Well, Leah and I are midway through the second week of the "body fat loss" contest. The contest is up to $1400 for the winners. We will be re-weighed/measured in 3 weeks. I have been pleased with myself. I've been really disciplined with my diet and exercise, thus far. The real challenge will be the week long vacation surrounded by food 24/7. However the cruise ship does have a gym and my mom and I plan to walk every morning, as well. I have already lost 9 lbs. I won't know about the body fat until the final day, though. My goal is to lose 30 pounds by the end of September and then set a new goal. I have always battle with my weight. Several years ago, I actually lost over 50 lbs then watched (and ate) as it crept back up. When I'm sad or stressed I eat and as my marriage spiraled downward my weight crept upwards. I've put aside all the excused I've made for myself over the years and am determined to continue to focus on my goal everyday. I want to be a fit and healthy mom for Cole, so I can continue to enjoy all the physical things we do. Also, I want to be a positive role model for Cole.

Typically, I stick to one exercise routine and then get bored after time. This time I'm trying several different things to add variety. We even tried spinning this week. When I first joined the gym and saw a spinning class, I swore I would never even try the class. Now, 5 months later here I find myself sitting on a bike, peddling away (going nowhere fast). One question though, with all the "natural" padding I have on my behind, why does the seat hurt so DAMN much? My nether regions hurt so bad for 2 days (they say it gets better after the third or fourth time, we'll see). Plus, having exercise buddies Leah & Maureen (who officially joined this week) have helped. It's added motivation and makes the time fly (especially laughing at Maureen).

So, hopefully 3 weeks from now, I will be a winner!! Wait a minute, I'll be a winner no matter what because I'm making the appropriate changes to better my life.

This time next year...

Well, Randy leaves for NY tomorrow. He finally called me @ 5:15pm to see if he could come say goodbye to Cole. I said yes, but told him that he would need to be at my house by 6:00 pm because my exercise class was @ 6:30, he showed up at 6:20..URGHH. When I got home a little after 8:00 pm, we spoke for a few minutes and then he said was going to go. He gave Cole a hug and said "I love you, be good for your mom. Remember I'm moving to New York and won't see you for a year or so. Maybe, this time next year you can come visit me for a few weeks, I'll talk to your mom". Cole said he only wanted to go to NY with me and Randy replied, "No, your mom HATES NY" and shot me a look. I didn't even respond, because the details of how Cole would even get to NY, I'm sure have never even been considered. He promised to call every Sunday & Wednesday, even though he doesn't speak to him twice a week now. He gave him another quick hug and left. Well, that's it folks, my bet is next year, will turn into never, but we will see.

Just for the record, the only reason I hated NY was because I was two months pregnant when we went to visit for a week. I was in full blown morning sickness (read vomiting and so extremely exhausted) and the ONLY thing we did was hang out with his friends until the wee hours of the morning while they smoked and drank (until Randy was too drunk to tell me how to drive back to his foster parent's house). The rooms would be so filled with smoke you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. The type of environment every pregnant women wants to be in (even without morning sickness). His foster parents were not the nicest people (also chained smoked in their house) and his foster dad got out a plastic bat (Mr. Yellow...the bat even had a name) to hit one of the foster kids (because he got down from the table w/o asking) until I got upset. (The kid was only 3 and there because his mom abused him, for god sake...also he put the kid in timeout for 30 minutes....a three year old in timeout for 30 minutes!!!). His foster mom was upset because the kid and his younger brother bonded to me immediately (probably because I played with them and didn't scream @ them all day, like she did). Randy said that his mom used to have a lot of patience with foster kids, but she was too old now. Well, I guess she shouldn't still be fostering them then! I know they gave Randy a better home than he would have had otherwise, but jeez, they were beyond the point of continuing to foster kids. I couldn't even imagine how hard it would be to foster kids (I would want to keep them all), but still, it was very upsetting. Besides all that, there was a heat wave and it was around 100 all week long and they don't have AC up there. Yeah, I had a lot of reasons to love New York.

Rant

ARGGGGHHH! I’m so stressed out. It has been a rough few weeks at work (which I can’t vent about because so many of my work “friends”, as Cole calls them read my blog). On top of the work craziness the stress of Randy moving is driving me insane. Everyone is constantly talking to me about it and the constant drama is driving me crazy. I know everyone is concerned, which I greatly appreciate. But, I have never been one who really tells someone (other than my mom) everything. I usually gloss over the details and keep the rest to myself, which slowly eats me alive. Blogging has actually been a great relief. It creates a way for me to vent. After typing like crazy, I usually feel better.

He is moving this Friday. I mentioned a few posts ago that I suggested he see Cole on Saturday, since he was moving. He was supposed to call. Yup, never heard from him. He finally called on Sunday because he wanted to come drop-off Cole’s toys, but he called after Cole was asleep, so he still didn’t get to see him. He is absolutely the most aggravating person I know. I’m really stressed about him moving without a job. Besides paying child support he is supposed to cover Cole’s health insurance. If I have to cover it, it will be about $400 month and he would have to reimburse me, yeah that’s likely. After MANY e-mails to the lawyer, which get forwarded to Randy, he called and said “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on missing any payments.” “I know how you get stressed out about these things, after all, I was married to you.” Being married to him, was what made me stressed out all the time. I’m stressed about relying on him, I'm stressed about him being responsible enough to financial take care of Cole for 14 more years. His number one priority is himself and that will never change. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything while living here (like providing up-to-date insurance cards), let alone across the country.

I’m stressed out, but I’m determined to put this behind me. I’m tired of letting my feelings towards him ruin my life. Once he leaves on Friday, I’m done. No matter what, I’m going to soldier on. I will make the most of my life with Cole So, I have four remaining days to let him irritate me and then I will put this past me once and for all (oh, okay...except really bad days).

Thanks to all my family and friends who have listened to me and supported me every step of the way. I couldn't have done any of this without you.

I'm going to make a promise to myself to take one day at a time. By nature I'm a quitter....no duh, divorced twice. I'm not afraid of hardwork, but I get discouraged easily. I'm going to focus on taking tiny baby steps instead of looking forward to the finish line. Inspite of everything, I am in a MUCH better place than I was this time last year. So, thanks again to everyone, I love ya!

My bad

Today was Cole’s first day in his new class. He started in the summer Pre-K class, it is the transition class for Pre-K that starts with the new school year. He proudly showed me his new cubby and classroom. He showed me his “clwass work” for the day. He traced his name and created a card using foam number stickers, placing them 1 – 10. He was most excited about being able to play on the “growed up” playground. Miss Margaret is the Pre-K teacher. When he was a baby he was afraid of her, but he loves her now (although I wish he would quit referring to her as my “black” friend Miss Margaret, luckily she’s not offended.) He told Miss Margaret today, that he has been waiting his whole life to start in her class, which in a way I guess he was :-) He said his new friends were nice but he didn’t like their mommies. When I asked why he said, “Because they had ugly dresses on”. He then quickly reassured me that I didn’t have any ugly clothes, how sweet.

We had to make a quick stop at the grocery store and I let Cole pick dinner, of course he chose steak. We came home and grilled and have been going through his toys that his dad brought over (since he is moving). We need to give so many toys away. He is one spoiled kid! He dropped one of the toys on my foot and said, “My bad”. My bad!!! Where does he hear these things? He cracks me up. He just looked at the watch he found and said it is “thirty o’clock” and about time for bed. Actually, it is about time for bed, so off we go.