"My new great Dad"

This morning as I was getting ready for work, Cole came sleepily walking past me and mumbled "I had a dream about my new great Dad...can I take a bath?". I didn't ask any questions and ran him an early morning bath.

On the way to work he again mentioned he had a dream. He said he had a dream about his "new great dad. He was tall, not like my old dad. He was nice, not like my old dad, he was funny, not like my old dad, he liked to see me, not like my old dad. He calls me Cole Littlebrother because he thinks it's funny. You were in the dream too, you were laughing because my new dad is funny."

I was thinking, OMG if he says "he loves me, not like my old dad" I'm going to break down driving down the road. As it was, I was tearing up and since I was driving and I couldn't wrap my arms around him, I awkwardly snaked one arm around the seats and stroked his ankle, which was the only skin I could reach. We are like Humpty Dumpty, just trying to put the pieces back together again.

The comforts of home

Living back at home has been an interesting experience, challenging in some ways and rewarding in others. It has been a strange trip down memory lane. Cole played T-ball at the same fields that we spent so much time at as kids. I really felt like I was "home" at the fields and I'm glad that I got to share this part of my life with Cole.

We also joined the neighborhood pool that I spent most of my summers at. One of the perks of this pool, is the after-hours availabilty. Each member is giving keys to the gates for after-hour access. Tonight Cole and I headed to the pool after dinner. We had the pool to ourselves and the memories of time time spent there as a teenager came flooding back. I felt like a kid again, diving for rings and jumping off the diving board, we had a great time and I'm looking forward to spending our evenings there this summer.

We've come a long way baby

I was a horrible bike rider as a kid. I just didn't ride that much and was never very brave when I did ride. The thing that scared me the most about the triathalon was getting back on a bike. As we have continued to practice I've slowly become more comfortable. I still have to calm myself down when I'm on a road with cars, but I can already tell I'm getting physically stronger.

Before I had kids, I would always think about the things I would love to do with them when I was a parent. One of those things was riding bikes together, but I figured I'd never do this since I hadn't been on a bike in years.

Since Cole's school closed early today, I knew I would be getting out of work early. Last night I loaded our bikes up on the car and as soon as I picked him up, we headed to the Veloway.

He looked so grown up and cute in his helmet and sunglasses. We rode the entire 3 mile loop (it took 40 minutes but he finished). We had a great time. Cole took a couple spills careening down the hills and ended up with a scraped knee. But, each time he got back up and kept on. He made it up all the small hills, pumping his legs and his face scrunched up in concentration. The steep heel (that only a month ago, I couldn't make it up) he had to get off and push. His favorite part was riding through the water puddles.

We've both come so far this year.

MACH 3

I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. This weekend was jammed packed. Both mornings started out with open water 1/2 mile swims in preparation for the triathalon that is a mere three weeks away...GULP.

During the swim on Saturday we also practiced the group mass start that will be a part of the swimming on race day. Nothing like try to swim while you are being kicked, scratched, and people are swimming on top of your legs, while you gulp down mouthfuls of lukewarm algae green lake water. After the swim, I rushed to Cole's T-ball tournament game. Then I had to shop for a new swimsuit which is about as much fun as having my fingernails ripped out one-by-one. Then we went to a fair at the ballpark.

Sunday morning another open-water swim at a great lake in Pflugerville, it was pfun to swim with pfriends. I need to continue to practice in the open water to ease my anxiety of not being able to see or touch the bottom. We rushed back home to shower and then headed to Cole's T-ball end of the season party. I hate this type of things. I always feel awkard and hate making small talk. The dads were all grouped together outside, the moms inside. I spent the entire 3 hours playing with all the kids. The last several hours we all played baseball, talk about a great work-out. One adult vs. 8 kids, I was running and jumping all over the place. Then Cole and I had to head to my work. We have a big inspection coming up tomorrow. We worked for about 3 1/2 hours, I was exhausted (not to mention sore from swimming and running with the kids). After getting home and bathing Cole, I collapsed into bed, in seconds it seemed the alarm was going off again.

I worked all day today, left for Cole's last game (he's sad that he won't see his coach again), and returned to work for another 3 hours. So much for relaxing before summer school starts. I guess this is just a jammed pack time of year. After the inspection at work in the morning, hopefully things will slow down some.

Graduation

Cole graduated from Pre-K today. My mom and I went to his graduation "ceremony" it was cute. Of course, I watched with tears in my eyes (I'm such a sap). He looked so cute in his dress clothes. As soon as he was dressed, he twirled his tie around his finger and said, "Now I look like a man going to work." LOL.

Now this summer he can go on field trips with the "after school kids". He is so excited. Only a few more months now before "real school begins."

Go class of 2007!

Happy Mother's Day

At Cole's pre-K the after-school kids helped his class write why they loved their moms. Here is what Cole said...

My mom is smart because...she knows how to clean the toilet

My mom is the greatest because...she drinks all her milk and because when I throw sticky worms on the celing she gets them down

Happy "Mudders" Day!

I wish I had all the answers

This afternoon I had my last final of the semester. I was done by 1:00 pm and picked Cole up from school during nap time. I sat next to him and kissed his cheek, he lazily opened his eyes and pulled me down for a hug and said "lets get outta of here." We headed to his future "big boy school" to register him for Kindergarten.

He was sleepily telling me about his few hours at school and then he got silent. In a sleepy, one octive away from a whine or crying voice, he said out of the blue, "Why doesn't my dad come to see me?" My heart broke. Whenever he asks about him, I always carefully weigh my answers. I reminded him that his dad moved to New York. He said, "how could my dad move and not see me anymore?" I said his dad moved to be close to his family. "Why doesn't my dad call me?" I don't know how to respond, because your dad is a cold-hearted bastard that can't love anyone...no mom can't say that. I told him that I have his dad's number and he could call him. He thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe tomorrow. I'm going to ask him how come he can't visit me." I said that I was sorry. He asked what I was sorry for. I couldn't answer, sorry that complete strangers can love his son but he was never able to, sorry that his dad completely abandoned financially and emotionally his own child, sorry that I've had to fight tooth and nail to make his dad take some responsibility for him, sorry that his dad still can't be bothered to call, can't be bothered to put mail an insurance card for his son, sorry that his dad can't be there take on some of the hardwork of parenting, sorry that his dad can't support Cole as he experiences all the new things in life, where does this list of things I'm sorry for end?

Most of all I'm sorry that Cole at some point will wonder if any of this is his fault. The older he gets the harder the questions and answers will become. As a mother I want to spare Cole from any pain and while I know this is not possible, I can't imagine how he will feel being abandoned by a parent. As he gets older and is figuring out who he is as a person, how will this impact him? As much I try I can't me both mother and father. Watching a 'good' father play and interact with his kids is bittersweet and unbearably sad.

Vacation Pics

We are back from vacation :-( Everyone had a great time.

On Thursday we visited Disney World Animal Kingdom. They have so many interesting attractions. The details they put into each ride is amazing. The dinosaur ride was fun and scary. Cole was gripped onto us for dear life. The day was hot and Cole was starting to drag, so we decided to brave the water ride. Cole met a 'friend' in line and they held hands and talked non-stop and of course we had to ride together. They both want brothers and were so cute together. After the water ride, Cole was refreshed and ready to do for the remainder of the day. The last thing we did was a behind the scenes tour of how they take care of the animals which was very interesting. We even got to see the veterinary hospital on-site. We were tired by the end of the day (not to mention the aching feet). We cooled off in the hotel pool while Cole slide down the water slide a zillion times, so much for relaxing.

On Friday we went to the Magic Kingdom. This park is so big it is unbelievable. We rented a stroller, since on Thursday I carried Cole (on my shoulder, on my hips, on my back) a fair portion of the day. At the entrance to the park I had a major heart attack. We were there for the opening countdown and there was a mad rush through the ticket gates. My mom was ahead of us because she was headed for the stroller rental. Cole was next and through the gate in a flash. The ticket agent had stopped me to let in a stroller. Cole was lost in literally hundreds of people. I begged the agent to open my gate, while he just passively looked at me. Once I was through I went running through the crowd. Luckily I saw my mom looking back for me. It seems Cole had kept his eye on her and had ran straight to her. WHEW!

Magic Kingdom was awesome! Each area was like a city of it's own. The costumes the ride attendants wore were perfect for each ride. We visited each section. There is a good mix of old and new attractions. The wait times for rides were always less than the posted times and they have a great 'fast pass' system. You can put your ticket into 'fast pass' machine on a ride that has a long wait time. You get a card with a posted hour time frame to return to the ride. Then you by-pass the line and get straight on. It's so much fun walking by hundreds of people to hop on a ride.

It was so hot, I couldn't imagine visit the park during the summer. We were at the park from 9am to 6pm and were wiped out by then.

I felt luckily because throughout the entire trip we saw so many kids having total meltdowns (especially at the theme parks in the heat), but Cole was a trooper through everything. He had a great time and when we asked him what his favorite part of the trip was he says "everything!"

We heard accents from so many parts of the country and around the world. It was amazing.

Cole had saved all of his birthday money for the vacation and he bought a ton of stuff back, Mickey, "Fluto", Scooby Doo, pirate toys, space toys, dinosaurs to name just a few. I think he'll remember this trip for a long time. We will absolutely go again, someday.

Vacation Update

The pirate cruise was a blast last night. It was two hours of non-stop fun. They had wonderful activities planned for the kids; water gun battles, story time, treasure hunt, face painting, and dancing...LOTS of dancing. Cole did the YMCA, the chicken dance, the electric slide and freestyle. He's made friends everywhere we have gone and enjoyed playing with the kids.

Today was for beach and pool time. I think I'll be finding sand for weeks to come. We took some time to go to a Holocaust musuem which was very moving and educational for Cole.

Tonight we went to a pirate party at our resort. Cole volunteered to be a pirate in training and as part of his initiation a dad (of the other two pirates in training) and I had to have a dance off. I won! We looked so funny. Cole was lauging and pointing at me the entire time.

We are heading out early in the morning for Disney Animal Kindom and on Friday we will be at Disney World. Only a few more days of vacation left.

"Bacation"

I'm blogging from sunny St. Petersburg, Florida. We arrived Sunday night and have been going nonstop since. My mom has been in classes all day, so Cole and I have had the days to ourselves. We've peddled the paddle boats, played putt-putt, explored, slid on 3-story water slide, swam in the pool, dug for "treasure" at the beach, splashed in the ocean and have had so much fun. Tonight we are going on a "pirate cruise", which Cole is really looking forward to. We have one day left at the beach before we head to Orlando for Disney World.

Cole has perfect skin and is already turning a beautiful shade of brown. Despite liberally applying SPF 50 sunblock I'm burnt. My shoulders and back have taken the brunt of the sun, so today I wore a T-shirt all day. Luckily it isn't a painful sunburn. Tomorrow I will remain covered up again.

The beach here is beautiful and we have seen Dolphins every day. There are millions of shells and the water is clear. I got up early and went for a morning jog on the beach today. The water is a little chilly but perfect once you get in and splash around. You do have to be careful for stingrays (you're supposed to do the 'stingray shuffle'), but luckily we haven't seen any thus far.

This has been a great vacation. Boy I really needed to relax and have fun. I don't want this week to end :-(

Senseless

As I was walking in the doors of my American Literature class today, administrators came out from the woodwork shouting "Evacuate the building, there has been a bomb threat. Don't stop to collect your things, leave now!" This is the second bomb threat at Texas State in the last few weeks. The last threat was on Friday, when I'm not on campus. I casually went back down the four flights of stairs I had just ascended. It's the boy who cried wolf. No one takes this seriously. Some dumb student who probably didn't study for a test makes an empty threat because he/she knows the schools will have to take them seriously, especially after the recent shootings at Virginia Tech. Senseless violence and threats of violence make me so mad. I just don't understand people sometimes. The world is a scary place.

I wonder how much tax dollars this empty threat cost? The building was closed for four hours, police tape put up, campus and local police on site, SWAT team, fire and rescue teams too. The majority of students were mad, but a few were cheering and I just kept thinking "Man are you shallow and stupid." The sad thing is that people become so numb to these things that if god forbid it happens for real, no one will take it seriously.

At least I only have 1 more day of school left until finals, so I hopefully won't have to put up with this nonsense much longer.

"Dumb Ask"

Dozier, my parent's morbidly obese dog is always underfoot. He is often called names by everyone in the house. At dinner time he likes to lay under Cole's chair. The other night at dinner he kept bumping Cole's chair and Cole said "Move Dozier you dumb ask". When I asked him what he called Dozier he said, "Dumb ask". His mispronunciation was funny, guess he thinks that is what people say. Kids truly do hear everything people say.

Since the title of this post is "dumb ask" this applies too. In an earlier post I had mentioned that Cole's dad had called 4 days before his birthday. During that call he had mentioned he had already sent a package along with Cole's insurance card (since I have now paid around $1400 for insurance since September when he started being covered under R's plan, but no card, no proof). He said he "couldn't remember what day" he mailed the package but it was the previous week "he thought". I knew he was lying. Why? Because he was opening his mouth. Surprise, surprise there still hasn't been a package. He better be careful because very soon, Cole will remember his lies....luckily right now he is still blissfully unaware.

I'm sad for Cole when I see how much he really responds to men. He LOVES his baseball coach. He always rushes out so say hi when we arrive, seeks out high-fives, hugs onto his legs, and hugs him bye. Bless his coach, he really pays Cole special attention without making it obvious. My eternal question will always be, why can others love Cole but not his own dad?

Coming or Going

Leah and I started training with our group for the Triathalon. Each day we have a set work out to do and we meet our group twice a week. While I like knowing what to do and how long to do it each day, finding time has been rough. My days are already so full this has just been a lot of work fitting work outs in.

Monday night we were supposed to swim for 30 minutes. Just our luck the YMCA that we belong to is re-doing it's pool until this end of April. We thought about swimming at a local outdoor heated pool, but it's closed for cleaning. Next we were going to go to another outdoor heated pool, it closed too early. Finally we decided on going to a pool at another gym that Leah belongs to. They were open late (I couldn't go until Cole was in bed and Leah had a dance class). We get to the pool at 8:45pm. I arrive and Leah is standing outside, looking mad. The PH was off in the pool and they had closed it at 8:00! We both wanted to give up. So here we are standing outside a gym at a quarter till 9:00 pm. We both had been up since 5:00 am and hadn't stopped since. Leah still had an hour drive home and I still had a test to study for. We called the downtown YMCA and found out that pool was open until 9:45 pm. We looked at each other for a long moment, jumped into my car and sped over there. Yeah it was open! It was a great pool, and not busy that time of night, duh! We were happy to finally be in the water and even happier to keep to our workout schedule. Yeah us!

The next night we were supposed to bike for 30 minutes. Leah got up before work and rode and I rode in the rain soaked streets in the evening, praying I wouldn't fishtail around the turns. We have been calling to check up on each other.

The bonus is I'm done with school in a few weeks, so hopefully I will have a little more free time.

What were you doing five years ago today?

Five years ago, after dinner at a local Chinese restaurant, I started going into labor with Cole. I was up all night, with my cat Bandit. He stayed up with me purring on my lap as I stroked him through waves of pain. He still keeps me company and in fact is laying on my lap between me and the laptop (purring and reaching out to "grab" me, just in case I've forgotten he's there) right now.

After being up all night, I headed into the hospital early the next morning and had Cole that same afternoon. How little prepared I was for how much my life would change. I never knew I was capable of that much love, patience, worry, and determination. Having Cole has been the biggest adventure in my life. Despite all the drama and angst in my personal life, he has turned out to be a wonderful kid...I'll pat myself on the back for that one. I hardly remember what my life was like before him. I wouldn't trade all the grumpus mornings and endless questions for anything in the world, because what comes with all that is an endless supply of love and entertainment. These past five years have just flown by. Gone are the cherub rolls of toddlerhood and baby speak. Now there is a large (never ending) vocabulary, a thirst for information, and a growing boy (2 shoes sizes and over and 1 &1/2" since January). I just can hardly believe he is already 5 and will be starting Kindergarten this year!

He'll get to celebrate his birthday at school tomorrow with a pirate ship pinata filled with gold coins, jeweled rings, play money and sparkling necklaces (since his party at the park was rained out, his teacher offered to do the pinata at school). We celebrated his birthday at home, tonight, because I won't be home until late tomorrow night. I start training for the triathlon on his actual birthday. In truth, after his party on Saturday he considers himself "5" anyway.

BTW,his dad did call on Sunday night. He said a package is in the mail for Cole although he doesn't know when it will be here or even what day he sent it??? He promised to call him on his birthday as well. At least he remembered.

Happy Birthday Colebug!

Happy Birthday and Happy Easter

We had Cole's birthday party today. It was about 45 degrees and raining, so no party at the park. Yesterday we knew the weather was predicted to be bad so I called GattiTown and they had an opening at the same time the party was originally scheduled. So we went to GattiTown, not what I originally had planned, but it was warm and dry and most importantly the kids still had a great time. There were 6 boys at the party which was perfect. Cole got to ride the bumper cars for the first time and had a blast. Pizza, pirate cake, and games... a five year old's dream come true.

After the party we came home and decorated eggs for Easter. Boy I never knew how much work and planning went into being a parent, I'm tired. The thing that makes me happiest in life is seeing Cole happy, so all the work is worth it.

Gameball and other meanderings

Tonight Cole had his third T-ball game. He did a great job tonight. Not in the I'm going to be drafted by MLB way but in the I'm Cole way. The second inning the coach put him in at pitcher (they just pretend to pitch) but they are hit the majority of the balls. He stopped almost everyone and always with his goofy grin! The next inning he played catcher and again he was running after the ball. At bat he did well and ran hard. He cracks everyone up when he runs, because he looks like he is running in S L O W M O T I O N...but he thinks he is running fast, again always with that trademark grin. His coach is really beginning to spend some extra time with Cole which he needs and wants. Cole really looks forward to seeing Coach Joseph and getting "high-fives". This week at practice Cole was even standing with his arm around him, which about broke my heart. Anyway...after each game the coach awards the game ball to one player. Tonight he gave it to Cole. Cole was so excited and immediately came running to me. We have it in a silver glove trophy left over from my dad's coaching days. Cole is so proud.

I had some exciting news today. I had applied for several scholarships at school for next semester. I had to write an essay and give turn in some letters of recommendations. I submitted two letters from professors and one from my boss at work, and one from one of the doctors. I got an e-mail today that I was awarded a scholarship. YIPEE!! There is an award ceremony on the 12th that I have to attend to officially "accept" my scholarship. I'm excited, any little bit helps.

Only a few more days until Cole's "pirate" birthday party. I'm praying it doesn't rain. Cole has three boys from school that are supposed to attend and my friend Jennifer's boys, so we should have a great time. He is very excited. I've been sick w/ Strep AGAIN, so I'm hoping he doesn't get sick too. But so far he has been healthy. The running bet around my house is if his dad will even remember it is his birthday. Guess, we will see.

Glorious Spring

I needed the weekend. Last week was another crappy week at work. The beautiful spring weather was just what I needed.

Sunday we got up and did several hours of yard work. Both of flower beds in my parent's yard were only growing weeds. They need to be completely re-done. We got up early and got to work, pulling weeds and hoeing and then planting some new flowering bushes. Despite the aching muscles it was a lot of fun. We got to get dirty, see millions of rolly pollies, worms, a snail, and even a snake slithering through the clover. Cole got to help plant, dig, and sweep. While pulling weeds in the back, he sighed and said, "I'm not as young as I used to be." My mom and I died laughing.

After cleaning up we went to the Easter Egg Hunt at the YMCA. It was the first event I have ever been too that everything was FREE. Free games for the kids, free petting zoo, free face painting, free food. Free fun!

Glad I don't have a pair

Of testicles that is. Then all that testosterone would be shooting around my brain clouding my better judgement.

Tonight Cole had his second T-ball game. The opposing team's coaches must have thought this was the World Series. First they had 7 coaches. They were so hard on those kids, makes me glad Cole wasn't on that team. When one of their players hit a line drive towards our pitcher and it almost nailed him in the head they CHEERED! So far in our games and scrimmages when a ball is dropped or not caught during play (which is most of the time)the other teams are conservative in scoring runs. Not this team. They would yell for their runners to keep running. There was even an argument among the coaches. The rules state that the coach yells "Pitcher pitch (he pretends to throw)Batter bat". This allows the players in the field to be ready for the ball. Their team didn't do this. When our coach asked that they do this, because he was afraid our players wouldn't be ready and get hurt, all 7 coaches came out to confront him. It was like a grade school pissing contest. The last inning the other team's coach would sarcastically yell "batter bat". I felt so uneasy the entire time I was there. At least our kids had fun, although the few kids on the team that are good were goofballs tonight and Cole got hurt. He was the last batter of the night and he hit the ball and was running towards first. The first baseman dove for the ball that was thrown to him and sidelined Cole in the process. He fell face first into the dirt, his batting helmet fell off and fell in front of him so he hit his nose on it, luckily it didn't bleed.

The mother of one of the boys on our team is a real doozie. She has bright brassy bleach blond hair with the weird underlayer that is dark brown (I just don't get that look). Model skinny with HUGE silicon breasts and a fake tan. She was wearing a strapless mini-dress with stiletto animal print shoes. Great baseball outfit. Of course she pulled up in a Lexus SUV. Turned a few heads that one, but I suppose that was the point.

Hope the next game is better and not coached by a bunch of apes.

Gone Fishing

I want to take Cole fishing. He has been dying to go. I don't know anything about fishing. So I wrote to the columnist Jane Greig, in the Austin American Statesman. She has a question and answer column. If she likes your question, she will post it in the paper. I emailed her to ask about fishing help in the Austin area and she responded to my question and printed it in the paper last week. Today her associate emailed me and said they have had an overwhelming response to my question. People have been contacting them about giving us fishing poles, advice, etc. One gentleman even has multiple stock tanks on his property and said we can fish there and he will teach us about fishing for free. They emailed me his contact information. Now my mom always told me not to talk to strangers so I'm not positive I'm going to contact him (although Leah said she'd go with us). But anyway...hopefully we will be fishing in the near future.


**BTW I don't think it is a mere fluke that Marky Mark and me (okay my question) appeared on the front page together. Must be fate.

Confessions

I had been keeping a secret from my mom. Nothing momentous, but a secret nonetheless. Leah and I had decided last month to compete in the Danksin triathlon with Vetmommy. Vetmommy is in awesome shape, Leah and I have some work to do.

Leah and I registered last week. This week while review the Danskin website I noticed a link for the Austin training. I looked at the link, but was hesitant to spend the additional money for training. I logged off my computer and went to bed. I kept thinking about the website. Around midnight I decided I was going to join the training. I figured I was worth it, it's time to take my life back. I logged back on and registered. The first day of training is April 11, Cole' birthday...I thought this was a great sign. This will now be my "birth day" too!

Today Leah and Vetmommy and I went to the Veloway to ride bikes, we did 9 miles. Jerry Leah's hubby came along to watch the kiddos. The first two loops, Jerry watched Anna and Cole while Vetmommy pulled Colin in the trailer. The last loop he watched Colin and Vetmommy pulled Anna and Cole! We had fun and I've become much more comfortable on the bike. This evening Cole and I went to buy him a "big boy bike" so he's ready to go back out there right now!

So to my already hectic schedule I'm adding getting in shape, but I'm ready for the challenge!