It seems like every time I try to get over my anger at Cole's dad (a word that doesn't really describe him) it gets refreshed. Child support and insurance seem trivial to the pain it causes me when Cole wants or needs a dad, then I really hate him all over again.
He called Cole in April, yes April! Not a word since then. Cole almost literally never speaks about him. I never speak bad about him in front of Cole and when and if Cole asks questions I very carefully consider the answers that I give. He hasn't spoken or asked about him in many, many months.
On Sunday we were running errands and he asked me to help spell a sentence. I thought he said " I hate that." and I was helping him sound out the words, when we got to the last word I was sounding out that and he said that wasn't the right word, he wanted to spell "I hate dad." I almost fell out of my seat, I was truly speechless. No anger or sadness he just wanted to spell "I hate dad." The next day he was playing with some men on motorcycles (toys, just in case you think I let him hang around biker bars) and I was in the hallway half-listening as he was playing and he said " Hi my name is Cole. Are you Brad? Do you go to my school? Hey did you know my great-papa and my dad are dead?" Tears sprung to my eyes. That night without mentioning I had overheard him, I asked him if he remembered where his dad was and he did know.
I had just picked him up from school tonight and we were sitting in traffic on the way home and he said, "Mom, you know what? I only have one parent. I think I'm going to ask my Papa to be my dad. I'll tell him when I get home. Granny can be my step-mom." Finally laughing through my tears, I asked him how he even knows what a 'step-mom' is. He said, " I just know that word."
We talked some more tonight about his dad, but I'm kinda of at a loss of what to say. I think with all the holiday stuff at school they must be talking about families or something. I am going to speak to his teacher next week. I'm thinking he might need to visit the school counselor. He has had no behavior changes, but I just want to be safe.
"She's not a lady, she's my mom." -Cole
About Me
- ColeBugsmommy
- Single mother to a wonderful son born in 2002. I'm working and going to school full-time to try to make a better life for us.
7 comments:
I didn't think it would affect Colebug that much, since you have enriched his life so much with activities, extended family, and your love. But obviously he feels a loss.
I was going to suggest a school counselor and then you mentioned it in the last paragraph. I think that's a great idea. I'm sure they see plenty of situations like this, and can deal with it in a way that won't make Cole feel like he's singled out.
I too think seeing a school counselor BEFORE he starts showing behavior changes would be a great idea. It was just a matter of time before Cole realized that his dad is not part of his life. Kareen you are still the BEST mom ever.
That is so sad. Cole is so sweet and happy that it must really be bothering him to say such things. I think you are a great Mom- better than most Mom's and Dad's put together in fact. I thnk a counselor is a good way for him to talk about it some more.
That is so sad. Cole is so sweet and happy that it must really be bothering him to say such things. I think you are a great Mom- better than most Mom's and Dad's put together in fact. I thnk a counselor is a good way for him to talk about it some more.
When I was four, and my parents separated, I could see that it was a good thing because they got along so much better when they were apart. My dad was also never far from my life--he remained very much a part of it. I always knew, without any doubt, that I was loved by both my parents.
I can't imagine how I would have handled it if my dad had just disappeared from my life. My brother kind of did the same thing to his kids, and I know his oldest vacillates between hating him and wanting to know him.
Counselling would be a good thing, because abandonment issues can fester for a long time before they explode--and there's so many ways that can go. As every one else has said, Cole is such a sweet-and smart-kid and you are such a good, attentive mom. You always have been. I think you should definitely listen to your gut on this one--and take some kick boxing classes for your sake!
My mom left my family when I was young. It was the best thing she ever did for me.
Wow. Ditto to what everyone else has already said.
I feel for you. Hearing his pain must have been so hard.
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