I think I had a panic attack this afternoon. I've never had one, so I don't know what one feels like per say. I've been toying with the idea of working part-time at the animal emergency clinic. I interviewed several weeks ago and shadowed for a shift. I was considering relief work or weekend shifts. They actually offered me a full-time position, but right now that wouldn't be very beneficial to me. They explained the con's of part time (fast paced, difficult to learn, etc.) but I stressed again that I could only do part-time for now. They called back and said they were still interested and would have to look at the shifts.
This afternoon they called and said they want me to start on Saturday. They wanted me there @ 1:00 pm. However, I have a mandatory "Strategic Planning Session" from 1:30 pm - 6:00 pm on Saturday for my full-time job. So now I get to do that as planned, then go work a shift at the EC and then work at the EC from 8:00 am - 6:00 pm on Sunday, as well. WHAT AM I THINKING? AM I CRAZY? The idea of it sound good, but the reality?... can I handle extra stress? During the week I feel like I barely get to spend any time with Cole. We leave at 6:20 in the morning, are home almost every day after 6:00 pm and then there is dinner, dishes, homework for Cole, and bathtime, not much room for just enjoying each other. The weekends are the only real quality time we get to share. This also means I will have to miss his hockey lesson on Sunday, oh and my own studying/homework FORGET ABOUT IT.
I'm only interested in working part-time because next semester I will be working full-time M, W, F and EVERY Saturday and going to school full-time T&TH from 8:00 am - 5:00 pm (actually Tuesday's until 7:00 pm). This means although I will be full-time, it will be 35 hours vs. the 40+ I've worked (and am budgeted on) for the past 4 years, plus increased tuition since I will be taking 17 hours. I need to save money for school and bills for next semester.
I feel slightly better since I got a letter from the Attorney General saying they located the ex's employer and will begin to garnish his wages ('bout damn time). However, that will only work if he keeps that job and he's already proven that is not a priority in his life, so I can't count on anything.
So there I sat this afternoon, outside of daycare, paralyzed with fear, trying to catch my breath. Can I do this? Can I give up my weekends with Cole? If so how long? I hate to have someone else have to take care of him. Can I live with myself, having my mom be responsible for him on the weekends? Will she go crazy? Will I? Am I? Where is my crystal ball? I'm supposed to call the EC after my Sunday shift to let them know what I think and talk about shifts. They have an 8:00 pm to 2:00am weekend shift, I can do that....I think. Spend the days with Cole and still go to hockey and then go to work. Hope it's open???? Know any rich dying single men out there??? Just kidding....I think. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.
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4 comments:
I have never had a panic attack either so I am no help. I think that sometimes you just have to sit back and look at the big picture. Look at what you need and how long it might take you to get it. Maybe it wouldn't be as long as you think, or maybe you will realize that you really dont need anything right now. You have the chance to get some help maybe you should take it. But I know that taking time away from Cole is not easy. Everything will work out the way it needs to.
OH MY GOD! No wonder you had a panic attack! You have more on your plate than anyone else I know, and still you are going back for more? I am sorry that your financial situation is stringing you out this way.
Kareen, you need to put ads on your blog to make money. I'll click on your ads every day, and I know Leah will to. I think your body is telling you to take it easy.
Good Lord! I've been "panicking" about my life, but reading your blog actually makes me feel better. I thought my life was too crazy now, but I really think yours is worse. But the important thing to remember is it's temporary. When my life was insane during my 4th year at vet school, trying to also be a good mother to 1-yr old Faith, and John was in Austin for work 4 days/wk, my mantra that got me through was "this is temporary". You can do just about anything for a short while. Faith survived,and your Cole will, too. I know it's hard. Hang in there!
Ah, panic attacks--I remember them well. Feels like you're having a heart attack.
I know you don't really want to consider this, but...you are going through a very tough road in your life. There are things that can help you get over that road...and friends that you may not know you have that you can talk to that can help. I'm not talking about illegal drugs,--though God knows we have friends that can help with that as well!--but...there are things and people that can be there for you. Just ask...any time.
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