Bummed out

Saturday my parents were having new windows installed in their house. If you are looking for a way to entertain a five-year-old boy for endless hours, hire some workers to come break your windows pane by pane, pry apart the old sill, and then install new windows. Cole was mesmerized. There was a crew of about 5 guys working on the house. They were all very polite and friendly especially with a kid in the audience. I was especially impressed when one of the guys got whacked in the face by a piece of the window sill he was prying off and just smiled, not a cuss word to be heard.

Cole really took a liking to one of the men. The guy was very sweet to Cole and tolerated his myriad of questions. They talked about Transformers and a few other cartoons. Cole followed him around like a shadow, talking a mile a minute, barely pausing for a breath. I could hear him telling the man all sorts of things about himself and telling him about his various toys. The man even sprayed a large happy face on the windows to entertain Cole when he was cleaning up at the end.

It is incidences like this that stop me in my tracks. It makes me realize how much a little boy needs a father and breaks my heart all over again. I'm foolish to think that I can be all things to Cole, but still not even close to being ready to even consider dating again. It's been over two years and I still feel like a walking wounded. I was eating lunch with some friends today and one of them hit the nail on the head. It wasn't that Cole's dad was the love of my life and I'm suffering from that loss. It was the fact that he is such a loser as a parent that has affected me greatly. Oh well, I guess I will just keep on keeping on, besides I wouldn't even date me :-)

A quick update on my Grandpa. He was transferred from the rehab place back to the hospital last night. My grandma wasn't sure why???????? Apparently he was in severe pain last night and they diagnosed a UTI according to her. They couldn't get him to wake up at all today and my grandma still had no more answers. My mom made some calls tonight to his various nurses and found out he has sepsis. The nurse advised my mom to wait one more day before deciding if she should come immediately, but things aren't looking good. We are starting to try to make arrangements for when and how we all are going to get to Arizona. My mom asked me if I had thought about when he dies, if I would take Cole to the funeral. Besides the fact that I would have too, because we will be out of town, I think I would anyway. I took him to my dad's father's funeral several years ago although he really didn't know that "Great Papa" very well. Sadly, death is apart of life.

I used to be a baby dinosaur?

When I am in school Cole's nightly bedtime story isn't always a kid's book, especially the night before a test. Last semester I often read to Cole from my physics book which put him to sleep in seconds (me too for that matter). This semester it hasn't worked so well. When I read to him from my science book he enjoys it and I am peppered with questions.

Tonight I was reading to him (AKA studying for a test). One of the 8 chapters my test is on (yes I said 8----welcome to summer school) is reproduction. We have talked before about where babies come from and he has been fascinated by stories of my pregnancy, especially the part of him kicking me in the ribs. I have also told him about how when I first found out I was pregnant he was as small as a peanut and kinda of shaped like one, so that's what I called him in the beginning "peanut". He loves that story.

On one of the pages was a diagram of the progression from embryo to fetus. Cole was enthralled. As I was showing him the pictures, he looks at me his eyes wide with wonder and asks in awe "I used to be a baby DINOSAUR?" I started laughing so hard my eyes watered. When I looked at the picture again, it did look like a baby dinosaur. Kids are so funny. I think he was actually disappointed when I told him that he wasn't a dinosaur. :-)

:-(

I just completed the second week of Summer II, only 3 weeks to go. This semester in addition to being fast paced with difficult material has been rough on me as a mom. I see Cole for about 45 minutes max a day. I wake him up and drive him to daycare. I work eight to nine hours then head to evening classes. I'm home around 8:30PM and we spend a few minutes together before it's off to bed. This crazy schedule keeps him up later than normal but at least we get to spend a few moments together.

My mom has been taking on the majority of raising my son, which I'm thankful for but still sad about. It's truly amazing how much I miss him during the day. The quick call in between classes gets me through the evening. He has been extra loving and overjoyed to see me. He is leached onto me during the evening and has been very helpful. At least we have the weekends together.

My dad has actually gotten in on the action. He picked Cole up two days in a row from school and they got along well until my mom got home. My mom will most likely have to go out of town before I finish this semester and he will have to pick up Cole.

My grandfather fell and broke his hip last week and isn't doing well. He was already weak and underweight. He has become malnourished and is not doing well. My mom is going to fly to Arizona to be with my grandparents. It's depressing to think of my grandfather in this type of condition. He just has no fight left. Ten years ago, he said he was ready to go at any time. At what point do you stop living and you start waiting to die?

Cole's first fishin' trip!

Cole finally got to go fishing! I finally had an entire weekend off, the weather was nice, and we were both in good health so we headed out to Lake Pflugerville to spend the day with Vetmommy's family. Mr. Vetmommy taught us both how to fish and we had a good time. Cole actually caught a handful of fish. His favorite part? Letting them go of course! We also swam for awhile in the nice cool lake and had a fun "sea weed" fight with the kids. Here are some fishing photos. Notice the enormous size of those fish!

Science Fair

I had my first night of class tonight. I rushed home after 8 PM and Cole was already asleep :-(

The class I'm taking is a science class that is aimed at teaching science to K-8th grade. I have to do a science fair project, YIKES! I loved these in school, but it has been years. Suggestions anyone?

Bummer of a Summer

So far this summer has been all work and very little play. Between work, summer school, and all the rain we've been mostly kept indoors. Most summers we spent at the pool and I can count on one hand how many times we've been this year.

This weekend we had swimming, the movies, and a fishing date with vetmommy and her family planned. Unfortunately, Cole got sick. He spiked a fever on Saturday and we spent several hours at the after hours clinic and then resting at home. He ran a fever all day today but was in good spirits when the Motrin kicked in (other than taking his antibiotic). He was disappointed about missing his first fishing experience, but I promised him we would try again soon.

The next five weeks won't be much fun either, I'm afraid. I start the second semester of summer school on Monday. After working 8 or 9 hours I will be taking evening classes and won't be home until Cole is going to bed. My mom will be picking him up after school. Boy it's tough to let others take care of your kid. I'm just trying to keep my eye on my goals to get me through this summer. At least I'll finally have Saturdays free to spend with him the rest of the summer.

Hopefully after summer school is over, we can visit a water park, Six Flags, or SeaWorld. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Independence Day

The 4th of July for most Americans means our Nation's birthday. For others it is their wedding anniversary (Missy and Leah). For me it was the day Cole's dad and I decided to get a divorce. Things had been bad for over a year. We were in the car on the way home and I just simply said that I couldn't do this anymore. He agreed. After we were home, while we watch Cole play in the driveway with our neighbors kids, we started to hash things out. Who would stay in the house, who got what, etc. The dirty business of divorce, in the beginning wasn't so dirty for us. We were like two strangers at a garage sale just looking at our belongings like they were inventory and making arrangements.

It was eye opening for me, even at that time, when he said he only wanted to see Cole "every month or so." Who knew that "once a month", even when he lived ten minutes away was never?

Later that night after Cole was in bed I told him for the final time that if he/we got counseling I would try again. He looked me in the eye and coldly said, "I know I need help, but I like who I am and I'm not willing to change." And that was the end.There were no tears, no hysterics, no arguing, begging, or pleading all of that was over months prior. It was just the end. In many ways it was a relief.

I walked back into my room, called my mom and said, "Mom, I think I'm getting a divorce." The rest was like a slow motion dream. While he went out and partied at night, I packed up our life. On weekends I searched for a place to live and Cole and I moved out of the house. The rest is history.

I am no longer the same person I once was and will never be that person again. My hopes and dreams changed on that Independence Day, but I'm stronger because of it.

Death and dying

I never noticed until I had a kid that a lot of kid's movies involve someone or something dying. Lately, Cole has had a zillion questions about death and dying. I try to answer his questions and try to steer the topic somewhere else, which can be difficult. Cole is very persistent when he wants to know about something.

Yesterday after lunch with friends we were getting back into the car. Out of the blue he says, "Mom, I'm going to love you forever. Even after you're dead, I'm still going to love you. You know how in the Big Z movie they celebrated Big Z's life after he was dead? When you die I'm going to have a life celebration for you." It was macabre and touching at the same time. Just the same, I hope he has a new focus on topics of conversation in the very near future.

Not for the squeamish

Last night I was talking to one of the doctors at work, Joey. Her daughter had swallowed a dime and they were instructed to examine her stool for the 'treasure'. If it hadn't appeared in three days, then she would need to go in for x-rays. Laughing she said she already knew that she would be the one who would get the digging honors. Human bodily functions gross out her husband (but we enjoy them, JK).

I was thinking about my 'throw up kid'. Cole has had an easy gag reflex since he was an infant. Crying too hard, coughing, swallowed wrong, too much food in the mouth all cause him to throw up.

When he was an infant it seemed like once a week I got a call from his daycare stating he was vomiting. To allow him to return, I would have to provide a doctor's note. Finally, my pediatrician wrote a note telling them that he just had an easy gag reflex and would vomit easily. The calls ceased. As a matter of a fact I can only remember one time when he actually was ill and vomiting.

I've had vomit in my car, caught vomit in my hand and in my dinner napkin, just to name a few. The most memorable time was at the mall when I was carrying him in a infant backpack. He vomited in my hair, down the back of my shirt, down my underwear and pants, into my socks. Thanks bud!

Not one swimming season has passed where I haven't had to rush him to the side of the pool because he swallowed some water and was about to throw up.

Luckily the older he gets the better he has been able to control himself or at least make it to the bathroom.

So while Joey was probably digging in poop last night, I was cleaning up throw up. Cole was playing with his papa and pinched his finger in a foam rocket launcher. He started crying real hard and then I was carrying him down the hall with his face dangerously close to mine as he was gagging. Oh the joys of motherhood :-)

Say my name

My mom picked Cole up from school today. On the way home they saw the aftermath of a wreck. Any time Cole sees a wreck he talks about the accident he was in with his dad several years ago. Since he was on the subject of his dad he told my mom he called him for "Faudders Day". When my mom asked him what his dad had to say, he said, "Hi buddy." Cole then said to my mom, "my dad calls me 'buddy' because he doesn't know my name." My mom assured him that his dad knew his name and Cole again insisted that his dad didn't know or remember his name.

Surfs Up

The last few weeks have been hectic and I needed a break from homework and work, so Cole and I planned a date for Saturday. I let him choose what we were going to do. He decided on dinner and a movie. We had dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen in the mall. He was on his best date behavior. As we approached the table he gestured and said, "ladies first". When the bill came he needed my card because "boys are supposed to pay" and he payed and even signed for our meal. After dinner he said, "Mom, I forgot there was one other place we needed to go...the Build-A-Bear Workshop. I've been meaning to take you there." Yeah, I bet you have. The workshop was directly across from the restaurant. We went over and he choose to make a "Cody" Penguin from the movie Surfs Up we were about to see. After making "Cody" we went to see the movie. We were sitting on the back row and right before the movie started a dad with two boys about Cole's age sat in the row in front of us. Cole said loudly, "Mom, I can't see through his big fat head!" I was laughing but wanted to crawl under the seat. Luckily the man started cracking up. Cole decided to sit on my lap, where he stayed throughout the movie. We had a great time and he already has plans for our next "date night".

Today is Father's Day which just makes me feel BLAH. I hate being the bigger person sometimes. I had Cole call his dad for Father's Day, when I first asked him if he wanted to call he said, "no thank you." His dad answered and Cole said, "Happy Father's Day...bye now." I whispered for him to talk some more, so Cole spoke for about a minute and then was ready to get off the phone. What a wonderful person he is missing out on. I'm so afraid that if I ever started dating again (don't worry I'm still not thinking about it) I would love the first person that loved my son. That's all I needed from him, just to love his own kid. Luckily, I have enough love for two parents, I just hope Cole always knows that.

per·fect (pûr'fĭkt)

adj.

1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind.
2. Being without defect or blemish: a perfect specimen.
3. Thoroughly skilled or talented in a certain field or area; proficient.
4. Completely suited for a particular purpose or situation: She was the perfect actress for the part.
5. Completely corresponding to a description, standard, or type.

There is a mom at my son’s daycare that puts me to shame. Every time I’m in her presence I feel like rumpled, fat, street urchin. She is the “perfect” looking mom. Her makeup is perfection. There is never a hair out of place, never a root that needs touch-up. She is model skinny. Her clothes are expensive and modern. I have never seen her in shoes other than stiletto high heels. And damn, I don’t hate her….she’s nice too. We have attended several of the same birthday parties, in fact she brought her son to Cole’s last birthday. I have even ran into her at the grocery store on the weekend and she is still well put together. I find myself wondering, does this perfection come easily? Or does she have to work at it? Has she always been perfect? Does perfection come at at cost (okay, now I'm just being petty)? Just once in my life, I would like to feel that self-confidence she must feel (I was almost there for a very brief moment as I was crossing that finish line at the Danskin, but then I saw the photographer and the insecurities came flooding back). Sigh….

She does have one blemish though, in a world of increased awareness about global warming and skyrocketing gas prices she just traded in her SUV for a …..HUMMER! See, I feel better already, nobody is perfect :-)

The Rusty Old Chicken

Last night Cole made our house a "restaurant". He was the "manager" and me, my mom, and my dad were his "workers". The name of the restaurant was the "Rusty Old Chicken" (hmmm...I think I may have eaten there before). He taught my mom how to serve him properly with correct presentation and verbal etiquette. When my dad complained about his service at the Rusty Old Chicken and demanded to see the manager, Cole defended his "workers", when my dad continued to complain Cole walked away. My dad said the manager can't walk away and Cole replied that he could do whatever he wanted as manager he can even punch "bad workers" and he proceeded to playfully punch my dad in the stomach. He then said in his deep stern voice and furrowed brow, " You are FIRED. Bug off!" He was quick to add, "just decoration fired, not real fired." He had us cracking up pretending to be the "manager", I forgot how wonderful imagination truly is, make believe is so much better than the real world.

Four words I thought I'd never say...

I am a triathlete! I finished the Danskin in 2:17:56; the 1/2 mile swim was 27 minutes, 1st transition 3:40, 12 mile bike 57:40, 2nd transition 1:29, 3 mile walk/run 47:10. My only two goals were to beat 3 hours and to finish. Not to bad for someone until two months ago, hadn't been on the bike in 15+ years, and was afraid to swim in open water. It was so moving to be out there with women of all ages and sizes. I started to tear up when my feet first touched the water and again when I was starting my bike and saw my son. When I was heading into the finish line during the run, he ran to the finish line with me (and wanted a medal :-) ) It was very hot, but definitely something I will do again. Since we trained with a group there were plenty of people we knew to cheer us on and keep us motivated. Seeing your loved ones at the end with signs, helped too!

After a shower and a nap (I was up at 3:30am) I feel pretty darn good, all things considered. Thanks for all the support and Vetmommy, Leah, and Emily...I couldn't have done it without you!

1) The Ladies---I look so tall compared to these petite ladies

2) Cole's handmade T-Rex poster for me and Leah

Weary

Wow, this has been a crazy week. I'm so tired. I started summer school this week. I've been at work at 7:00am every day, leave at 11:00 am to drive like a maniac (AKA Austinite) to school, park (yeah for summer school on-campus parking), and speed walk to class. Three days a week, after my two classes, I speed back and pick up Cole to return to work for a few more hours. Two days a week, I have a lab after class, so I don't return to work but still get home late. The end of the first week and I've already had a quiz and a test. Whew, summer school is rapid fire. One of the classes I'm in is Physics, so my dreams this week have been filled w/ Physics terminology "Coulombs, Volts, Resistance, Amperes...Z.Z.Z." The one good thing is I'm so exhausted I've been collapsing into bed at night (usually with my face buried in a Physics book).

The Danskin triathlon is the weekend. I'm so nervous. It's been hotter than hell and humid this week, so that will add some extra "fun" to the event. I'm just ready to get it over with at this point. My boss at work was supposed to compete with us but decided today she is going to back out because she didn't train enough. I say "BALKK, BAAAALKK, BAAAAAAALKKK". Good luck Vetmommy and Leah.

"My new great Dad"

This morning as I was getting ready for work, Cole came sleepily walking past me and mumbled "I had a dream about my new great Dad...can I take a bath?". I didn't ask any questions and ran him an early morning bath.

On the way to work he again mentioned he had a dream. He said he had a dream about his "new great dad. He was tall, not like my old dad. He was nice, not like my old dad, he was funny, not like my old dad, he liked to see me, not like my old dad. He calls me Cole Littlebrother because he thinks it's funny. You were in the dream too, you were laughing because my new dad is funny."

I was thinking, OMG if he says "he loves me, not like my old dad" I'm going to break down driving down the road. As it was, I was tearing up and since I was driving and I couldn't wrap my arms around him, I awkwardly snaked one arm around the seats and stroked his ankle, which was the only skin I could reach. We are like Humpty Dumpty, just trying to put the pieces back together again.

The comforts of home

Living back at home has been an interesting experience, challenging in some ways and rewarding in others. It has been a strange trip down memory lane. Cole played T-ball at the same fields that we spent so much time at as kids. I really felt like I was "home" at the fields and I'm glad that I got to share this part of my life with Cole.

We also joined the neighborhood pool that I spent most of my summers at. One of the perks of this pool, is the after-hours availabilty. Each member is giving keys to the gates for after-hour access. Tonight Cole and I headed to the pool after dinner. We had the pool to ourselves and the memories of time time spent there as a teenager came flooding back. I felt like a kid again, diving for rings and jumping off the diving board, we had a great time and I'm looking forward to spending our evenings there this summer.

We've come a long way baby

I was a horrible bike rider as a kid. I just didn't ride that much and was never very brave when I did ride. The thing that scared me the most about the triathalon was getting back on a bike. As we have continued to practice I've slowly become more comfortable. I still have to calm myself down when I'm on a road with cars, but I can already tell I'm getting physically stronger.

Before I had kids, I would always think about the things I would love to do with them when I was a parent. One of those things was riding bikes together, but I figured I'd never do this since I hadn't been on a bike in years.

Since Cole's school closed early today, I knew I would be getting out of work early. Last night I loaded our bikes up on the car and as soon as I picked him up, we headed to the Veloway.

He looked so grown up and cute in his helmet and sunglasses. We rode the entire 3 mile loop (it took 40 minutes but he finished). We had a great time. Cole took a couple spills careening down the hills and ended up with a scraped knee. But, each time he got back up and kept on. He made it up all the small hills, pumping his legs and his face scrunched up in concentration. The steep heel (that only a month ago, I couldn't make it up) he had to get off and push. His favorite part was riding through the water puddles.

We've both come so far this year.

MACH 3

I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. This weekend was jammed packed. Both mornings started out with open water 1/2 mile swims in preparation for the triathalon that is a mere three weeks away...GULP.

During the swim on Saturday we also practiced the group mass start that will be a part of the swimming on race day. Nothing like try to swim while you are being kicked, scratched, and people are swimming on top of your legs, while you gulp down mouthfuls of lukewarm algae green lake water. After the swim, I rushed to Cole's T-ball tournament game. Then I had to shop for a new swimsuit which is about as much fun as having my fingernails ripped out one-by-one. Then we went to a fair at the ballpark.

Sunday morning another open-water swim at a great lake in Pflugerville, it was pfun to swim with pfriends. I need to continue to practice in the open water to ease my anxiety of not being able to see or touch the bottom. We rushed back home to shower and then headed to Cole's T-ball end of the season party. I hate this type of things. I always feel awkard and hate making small talk. The dads were all grouped together outside, the moms inside. I spent the entire 3 hours playing with all the kids. The last several hours we all played baseball, talk about a great work-out. One adult vs. 8 kids, I was running and jumping all over the place. Then Cole and I had to head to my work. We have a big inspection coming up tomorrow. We worked for about 3 1/2 hours, I was exhausted (not to mention sore from swimming and running with the kids). After getting home and bathing Cole, I collapsed into bed, in seconds it seemed the alarm was going off again.

I worked all day today, left for Cole's last game (he's sad that he won't see his coach again), and returned to work for another 3 hours. So much for relaxing before summer school starts. I guess this is just a jammed pack time of year. After the inspection at work in the morning, hopefully things will slow down some.

Graduation

Cole graduated from Pre-K today. My mom and I went to his graduation "ceremony" it was cute. Of course, I watched with tears in my eyes (I'm such a sap). He looked so cute in his dress clothes. As soon as he was dressed, he twirled his tie around his finger and said, "Now I look like a man going to work." LOL.

Now this summer he can go on field trips with the "after school kids". He is so excited. Only a few more months now before "real school begins."

Go class of 2007!