Steppin' out of the box

I've mentioned in a previous post that the PE class I'm taking is Yoga. I was nervous about taking the class because other than a "Mom and me" Yoga class I took with Cole I haven't taken anything like this before. I was unsure about what we would actually be doing. The class size is small. There are always two or three very serious Yoga-ites. They wear their matchy, matchy special made Yoga clothes, they bow to the mat before we start, and then mediate. The Yoga teacher is a middle aged man with flowing silver hair. He speaks in a measured calm voice one would expect of a Yoga teacher. I actually like the class, but 2 1/2 hours is a long time to do Yoga. I just don't take the class as seriously as some of the others. There is another girl in the class that I've become friendly with and we have the same Yoga background (NONE) and serious nature - NOT.

I have been impressed with the things I have done. Several weeks ago the instructor showed us how to do a shoulder stand and a plow and I laughed and said there was no way I was going to be able to do those. Silly me...I did both that day and have continued to do them since. I laugh every time when I think what I must look. I don't laugh too much or too long however because I can't breath, especially with my boobs resting on my face :-)

I actually laugh a lot in that class. The more inappropriate a place or time is for me to laugh, the more I'm likely to do it. If I try to stifle a laugh I usually end of just laughing even longer. A few weeks ago while in a pose the instructor (in his dignified Yoga whisper) said that sometimes the pose caused gas releasing. WHAT? He went on the say it was normal, and not to be shocked or alarmed if someone passed gas and reminded us how it is a natural part of life. Then last week while doing a pose he said that the more we spread about our knees the "more action we will get". I tried to stifle my laugh. I made eye contact with the other girl and I was toast, I fell out of the pose laughing. At least my Yoga teacher is good natured.

Feelin' good

Today has been a wonderful day! I had another great day at school. Every day I feel more comfortable and at ease. On Thursday I give my first lesson on my own. I wrote the lesson and will run with it from beginning to end with the kids and with my professor watching (YIKES)!

Cole had a great day at school. He got a "purple bee" today which is the highest behavior award and he was walking on air because he got to choose from the treasure box. On Tuesdays he is sent home with homework that is due on Thursdays. He is always so excited, that we finish the work on Tuesday nights. I have been impressed with his homework assignments so far. They have been far from boring. All tasks have required some creative thinking, no mind numbing worksheets. Tonight he got to "google" part of his work which he enjoyed. For the other part, he had to look around the house to find 2 objects that would fit in a zip-lock bag to take back to school. He had to pick something that was a primary color and something that was a secondary color. On Thursday they are going to make a graph of the colors of objects that are returned. He had a great time not only finding the colors but finding objects small enough to fit in a baggie. After homework we played T-ball in the backyard and then headed in for bath, books, and bed.

I also got a wonderful call tonight. My friends the "boobears" (that is what they call each other and Cole and I call them) are expecting a baby. They have been trying for a very long time. I'm so excited for them, they will be great parents.

Sniffle, sniffle

I have my second "Kindergarten" cold. Last weekend I had a sore throat and runny nose and this weekend it is more of the same.

Cole has another case of strep throat. He woke up with a fever yesterday morning. Today his temp was 102, so off to the pediatrician we went. A throat swab and fifteen minutes later the rapid strep test was positive. I explained how difficult (this word is an understatement) Cole has been to medicate lately to his doctor. She sat him down and they had a nice long talk. She explained all his options, an injection, a twice a day liquid for seven days, a once a day liquid for 10, a capsule that can be mixed with food once day for ten days and let him choose. He choose the capsule. She reminded him that if he didn't take his medicine he would have no choice but to get a shot. He choose ice cream to mix his medicine in. I placed a capsule on the counter that he never took his eyes off. I said that since his throat was hurting so much, he could have a little ice cream first. Meanwhile, I had palmed another capsule and mixed it in. He ate up his first spoonful of ice cream. He was shocked when afterwards I told him that he had already taken his medicine. YES!!! I outsmarted a five year old. He happily agreed that it didn't taste bad at all. Hopefully we will have 9 more days of easy medicating. I hope he starts feeling better soon, his temp was up to 103.5 this evening before bed. He sure hated missing school and talked a lot today about what his friends where probably doing at school.

On Saturday, Cole told us he wants to be an astronaut when he grows up. Why? So he can blast off in a rocket ship to Heaven to visit Great-Papa.


***By the way...no response to my reply to R's email, just as I expected

Out of the blue

Today my boss asked me if I had gotten his two page e-mail. I said no, but as soon as I had time I would sit down and check my messages. This afternoon I finally had a moment. As soon as I opened my e-mail account the first new message I saw was from Cole's dad. I was momentarily stunned. We haven't heard from him in six months and now an e-mail. With trepidation I opened the message.

In summary, he said that he was sorry he hasn't called but he has been "busy" and traveling most of the summer (warning sarcastic response ahead: apparently to locations that don't have cell phone service). He was forwarding his new address, wanted to know how Cole was doing, can I send him some pictures and oh, by the way please consider sending him to NY next summer, he will pay the way of course. He could take vacation and spend "24/7" with him.

Wow, where do I even start? He has seen him for approximately 3 hours in an entire year and spoken to him on the phone maybe a total of 10 minutes in that time and he wants me to send Cole to him a year from now? I saved the e-mail because I didn't know what to say that was polite. Leah suggested I write what I was really thinking in a draft and then go back and delete what I didn't want to say. I said that if I did that, the only word I would have left was "no" - we both cracked up.

First of all, I know this, like always, is just lip service. Just like last year when he was going to be working in Houston for 8 weeks and he said he was going to come see Cole "every weekend" that he was in town. He saw him twice, both times for about 1.5 hours and when for Cole's birthday when he said he mailed a gift and hadn't. It's a 99% probability that nothing will ever be spoken about this again.

I thought carefully about my reply. It's an exercise in my self-control to write a civil response. Despite everything he is still Cole's dad and I don't in any way want to hurt Cole by creating an ugly environment or shutting the door completely.

I simply stated that I didn't even know how to respond to his question and that it had been quite some time since we've heard from him. I said that at this point in time it would not be in Cole's best interest to go to NY in a year. I said that they haven't spend much time together or on the phone in the past year, another year will only make that separation more apparent. If he really wants to see him he could schedule a visit down here and establish a bond with him. I would have no problem with them visiting here. Maybe if at some point they had a relationship and he is a little older a visit up there would be more appropriate. I said I would send a photo and thanked him for the updated information. I let him know that Cole was doing good, had started school, and was an amazing kid (again sarcastic response: no thanks to him!)

I know this is ugly of me, but in some ways I'm thankful they don't have a relationship. There are two kids (from the same family) who's parents are divorced on Cole's T-ball team and they sob and cling to their dad when he leaves and he gently says, "I'll see you on Sunday." There is an angelic girl in my Kindergarten class, with an adorable southern accent, who's parents are going through a very nasty divorce, she is only 5 and in counseling. Another girl in the class never can remember what parent she is spending the night with. Cole and I don't have any of those problems.

Guess I will wait and see, what if any response I get in return.

Over the top

Cole's T-ball team has an over-exuberant team mom. Usually no one volunteers for these type of things eagerly. Typically the coach asks for a volunteer and everyone tries to avoid eye contact and ignore the uncomfortable silence before someone squeaks out, "I'll do it." Not this season. As soon as the first e-mail from the coaches was sent, this mom replied and said she wanted to be team mom.

She is a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) and unlike every other SAHM/parent that I know who has WAY more than enough to do at home she apparently must have too much time on her hands. Because in addition to home-schooling her children she has bombarded our e-mail in boxes. Each day we get a count down to the next practice.

You've got mail:
"HI!!!!!! It's me again....Just wanted to remind you we have 3 days until the next practice! Can't wait to see you there!"

You've got mail:
"HI!!!!! It's your team mom again. We have practice in 2 days. Looking forward to seeing you and your kids!!!!!"

You've got mail:
"Guess WHAT????? Only 1 more day until practice. Can't wait to see your smiling faces!!!!"

You've got mail:
"Great job at practice tonight KIDS!!!!! Only 5 days until our next game!!!!!"

Get the picture????


Last night I had four e-mails from her, yes four. A e-mail reminder about practice, a e-mail that stated how she can't wait to really get a chance to become friends with us this season, another about her upcoming vacation this week and how even though they will be away don't worry she is taking her computer and will still give us updates, and a long e-mail that included tips such as: "please remember to provide water for your child, practicing in this heat takes a toll on their young bodies and they need to hydrate! hydrate! hydrate!" No really, I should provide a drink for my child that is running around for an hour in the Texas heat? "After the game the boys will need to pick up their equipment and move off of the field." "The louder you cheer, the more they hear!"

Her e-mails are full of words of all CAPITAL letters and lots of punctuation!!!!????!!!! She has even created a website for the team although I'm not sure what for since the website is basically just a repeat of the info from her e-mails.

The first game she handed out player rosters printed in our team colors. She was "snack mom" for the first game. She had made personal bags for each of the kids with their name, a team logo label, baseball stickers to seal the bags, and an unusual assortment of food items in the bags (4 goldfish, 3 animal crackers, a few grapes, some homemade brownish coated? popcorn, gum, and a juice box). It was actually a pain trying to sort out individual personalized bags to a bunch of sweaty, thirsty kids.

I've mentioned before that I always feel awkward around other parents that I don't know, but I completely try to avoid her, she makes me uncomfortable. She is nice, but just way over the top for me. I just want to support my son and his teammates and go home. I'm glad fall season is short and we only have 7 games left. I don't think my e-mail account can take too much more than that!

15 minutes

This is the total amount of time that I saw Cole today. I got him up, fed, dressed, and on the bus this am. Then it was off to work and school for me. On Mondays, I am in class until 9:30 PM. Cole has long been asleep when I get home. I'm glad that I only have to do that once a week. He isn't the only one who misses me. I'm typing one handed because my cat also feels like he has been abandoned.

While it makes for a long day, I really find the class interesting. The class is a special education class. The only special ed class that we are required to take, which I'm a little afraid of. I don't know how prepared I'll be for the many emotional, behavioral, physical, and learning disabilities I will face as a teacher. Over half of special education students are now a part of "traditional" classroom settings for over 80% of the day. ADHD and autism diagnosis are rapidly rising and we will barely even have time to touch on these subjects during the course of the semester. My professor is a special education teacher at a local Austin high school and has many interesting stories about current and former students and some of the challenges and rewards of working with special needs children. She is also a wonderful resource for advice. I've already mentioned in a previous post that there are several children with emotional and learning disabilities in my Kindergarten class. It is great to bounce situations off of her and get feedback. I already feel better prepared for any future situations if they arise. I've also been doing some reading on their particular disorders so that I will understand better how to help them and manage any potential behavior problems.

So far, despite the continued time management aspect and work-school-mom balance this is shaping up to be my best semester yet.

Love and marriage

I have a friend that is getting married in a few months. He asked me what I miss about being married. I said I miss the idea of what a marriage could be. I miss things that I didn't have in my marriage. A warm hug, laying in bed at night with your head on someones chest talking about your day. A confidant. Someone to share your hopes and fears. Knowing that in your weakest moments you have someone with strength to keep you going. Someone to pick up where you leave off. Someone to share the highs and lows of life with.

My life isn't that much different now. I still keep all those things to myself, sharing only a little with my friends. As for the warm hug, I get those from Cole, the best part of my marriage. I'm not worried about my friend though, I know he will be a great husband and hopefully someday a great father.

If you are keeping track, it has been six months since Cole has heard from his dad. Someday I hope I will stop counting.

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Cole had his first T-ball game today. Here are a couple of pictures I took when he was playing short-stop. Notice the "game face" he has in the first pic. He did pretty good. He has a much better grasp of the game this season.

Cole-isms

It seems Vetmommy and I are on the same page tonight. Her blog was about some of the things her son says. I was laughing at T-ball practice tonight at some of the things Cole says. The English language is a funny language and there are so many phrases we use that I can see how easily kids get confused.

"Mom throw me a puply ball" - A pop fly ball

"Mom can you sit in the dungeon and watch me." - the dugout

"Raspberry steak is my favorite." - Salisbury steak

We also hear "That's hideous!" and "Uncle Flaco" a lot.

Kids can make you laugh. I wish I could remember all the funny things he says.

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We got a nice thank you note from Cole's teacher today. She thanked Cole for the flowers and me for the supplies from her "wish list" that I sent. She says she is "thrilled" to be Cole's teacher. Let's cross our fingers that the feeling lasts through the entire year!

The second week of school

I've been running non-stop for the past few weeks and I'm tired. I'm sad that Labor Day is gone because there are no more holidays for a few months.

Today was my second full day at school. It was long and tiring but so much fun again. I had to laugh because I felt like I was two kids beloved pet today. I was wearing a silky shirt and the two autistic kids rubbed on me all day. I would be reading, playing, etc. and there was constantly a hand rubbing on my back or arm. I spent most of the day working with the more challenging children. I know that this is a big help for the classroom teacher and gives me much needed practice for the future. I spent the weekend preparing a brochure to introduce myself to the other teachers and creating a letter to send home to the parents introducing myself. I also got to present a "me bag" (the same thing Vetmommy's daughter had to present to her 1st grade class) to my class. The kids were so interested in Cole and his picture. I also brought one of Cole's stuffed dogs doctored up with a catheter, tape, vetwrap, and an e-collar to tell the kids about how I spend my time when I'm not with them. They were fascinated!

Cole was excited to head back to school today, too. Last night he had me stop at the store to get his teacher flowers!!! He was waiting at the bus stop this morning with his brightly colored carnations. When my dad jokingly called him "Brown-nosed" he replied, "I'm not brown-nosed. I am tanned." :-)

Cole has also started Fall T-ball. He is on the Bats. His coach seems nice, but more competitive than his previous coach. With one full practice he has already had a lot more technical instruction. His first game is already on Sunday. I was already upset at the thought of missing some games, because I knew they are on Saturday and Sunday only. I work Saturday and then go to class (PE - Yoga) from 1:00 - 3:30pm. I was so happy when we got his schedule and the earliest Saturday game he has is 4:30. YIPPEE!

I have a feeling that before I know it this semester will be over. I'm so busy that time seems to be moving at warp speed.

What would Freud say?

Cole’s first week of school has been great. He really loves it so far. He even wants to bring flowers to his teacher already (what a charmer). His progress report for the week was great and he was eager to get up every morning. He still says his favorite part of school is riding the bus!

Two of the drawing projects this week involved drawing. The first assignment they were asked to draw their family. Cole drew himself, my mom, my dad and me. For the second assignment they were asked to draw their parents. Cole drew himself and me correctly. He drew his dad upside down. We were all on a school bus. Cole was driving. I was sitting in right side up and his dad was sitting behind me. His head was down on the seat and stick legs up in the air. Surely this means something?

One thing they stress in school for teachers is to never say specifically draw or tell me about your mom, dad, etc. So many kids are raised by single parents, same sex parents, grandparents, relatives, foster parents, etc. that you don't want to unintentionally upset someone by assuming that everyone comes from a traditional household.

I've already started a file to save all of Cole's Kindergarten work. What wonderful memories and great things for me to look back on when I'm teaching my own class, as well.

Day 2: Vast improvement

Today was my first day of Kindergarten. I spent from 10:00am - 2:45 pm in the Kindergarten class that I will be assigned to this year. I was so nervous last night and this morning. My mentor teacher is very nice and it was a pleasure to finally be working with kids. I also felt so close to Cole all day, because I knew 30 miles away in his own school, he was doing much of the same things. The elementary school that I'm at is beautiful and clean. The classroom sizes are great, as well as the design of the school. It is easy to find your way around campus. I love my class. The kids were all eager to meet a new face. They kept coming up to me for hugs, wanted me to help them with tasks, and kept telling me I'm "pretty". Yeah, I think I picked the right grade, they are all so sweet at that age. I jumped right in and helped my teacher, I helped the kids, kept them on tasks and read a story to the class. There are two boys that are special education and one learning disabled boy. The boy that is autistic has an aide that is with him most of the day. The other one has aspergers. He hasn't been fully diagnosed yet, so he doesn't have an aide. He is smart,but very disruptive. He has difficulty following directions and angers easily. He had several outbursts directed at the teacher and the special education aide assisting the autistic child. I spent the majority of my day helping him. He was very sweet to me, even at times clinging to my legs. My teacher thanked me profusely for attending to him throughout the day. I'm so exhausted from being on my feet in dress shoes (YUCK) and bending and squatting throughout the day (not to mention kickball at recess) but I loved every minute my day. I'm am again so very thankful that I have a wonderful healthy child. There are a total of 16 special education kids in the Kindergarten group and as the year gets started many more will be diagnosed with other learning problems. It's sad to know that these sweet kids will struggle with this difficulties throughout their lives.

Cole's second day of class went well. He was excited to be up this morning and eagerly waited for the bus. We reviewed his room number before he left and apparently he had no problem finding his class. He said his day was "FUN! FUN! FUN!". He went to music class today. He was very interested in hearing about my first day and we compared stories as we made dinner. So we both were off to a better start today.

First day let down

Today was Cole's first day of school. We both had great hopes. However, he started coughing and having congestion this weekend. At 4:00 am I woke up vomiting. Every time I got up to be sick, he got up because he wasn't sleeping well due to his cough. In between running to the bathroom I got him dressed and made his lunch. We waiting on the front porch for the bus to arrive. For the little ones the put an picture of an animal on the outside of the bus, so they don't have to remember a number. The bus pulls up and there was the name of the animal but not a picture, it turns out that he bus was out of order so this was a temporary bus. He eagerly jumped aboard. I followed the bus to school and at the lights Cole was smiling and waving his feet dancing around in anticipation. The traffic at school was crazy, once I got inside the building I found Cole who was looking lost and confused trying to find his classroom. Once inside he excitedly chatted up his teacher. Off I went to work.

About 10:00am I got a call that he had hit his head on a tree and cried and threw up. So they sent home. I had to call his doctor to get a note to take to school stating that it is normal for him to throw up. He was still feeling sick later on and I had to take him to the doctor anyway. I hope tomorrow is a better day for the both of us.

Moving up and on

Friday morning is a big day for Cole. It is his last day at the daycare he has been at since he was six weeks old. It’s literally his home away from home. We have been lucky because as far as daycares go, they have fairly low turnover. He has two teachers that he is very close to. One, Ms. Lydia was his teacher from that very first day. In fact, Cole says that he is marrying her and me when he gets big. The other, Ms. Margaret is his current teacher. She has also been there for the past five years. He made cards and gifts for his favorite teachers (including the lunch lady) and is bringing cupcakes for his class. I wanted to make something for the staff but due to starting back to school myself today, opted to send fresh baked cookies instead.

I made a big step myself today. I let him go on the end of summer field trip to Six Flags in San Antonio. I had planned on going myself, but they picked the day that I was scheduled to go back to school, so I couldn’t go. I debated about letting him go. Sending my five year old on a bus for a two-hour ride to a San Antonio amusement park was a big deal for me. Ms. Margaret assured me she would be personally in charge of Cole and gave me her cell number and said I could call anytime - I didn’t by the way. They came back at 6:15 pm all tanned and happy. She was impressed with all the roller coasters he wanted to ride and they had a blast at the water park. She had Cole and his friend Avery (who is also five and been there since she was six-weeks old) all to herself during the day and they were well behaved.

While I was waiting for his bus to arrive tonight, his Kindergarten teacher called to introduce herself. We have an open house Friday night after work and he is excited to meet her and to be able to tour the school again. School starts on Monday morning. Cole will be riding the bus and I will follow along in my car for the first day to make sure he knows the routine. After school he will be attending on campus extended care. Such exciting times!
Next week, I’m going to finally be working with kids in school myself. I’m actually going to working at the school in Kyle that Cole would have been going if I still lived out there. I will find out on Tuesday what grade I will be with for the semester. I hoping Kindergarten or 1st, but I will have to wait and see. I have to make a “me brochure” introducing myself to the teachers and write a letter for the parents in the classroom that I will be a part of. I’m nervous but excited to finally be working in the school. I’m taking 17 hours this semester, but this will be my last year. Next fall I will be student teaching full-time and then finally be finished.

The one reason I miss having a man

There is only one reason I miss having a man around and no it isn't what you are thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter :-) It's taking care of little things on the car. Not routine oil changes and such, I've always taken care of that stuff. But the annoying things like scraping car tags off the windshield, replacing wipers, plates and bulbs. I don't have much patience for doing these tasks. In a relationship I think if I'm washing his dirty underwear and all, it is only fair that they help with these tasks. Asking too much...apparently so.

This morning when I turned on my left turn signal it started clicking double time. I was pretty sure this meant that my turn signal was out, which was correct. At lunch I ran to a auto part store and picked out the correct bulb. I headed back to work and using my car manual removed the plastic casing and the carpet to get tail light. Sweating in the 100 degree heat and humidity I tried to determine what I needed to remove next. A male co-worker then came to help me. Working together we had it replaced in less than five minutes. So I guess men are good for some things. Just kidding, actually I've realized in last few months my hard man-hating outer shell has been cracking. It's time to harden it back up. I just need to think about how it has been since April (Cole's b-day) since his dad contacted him and I can fill in those man-hating cracks. See I'm starting to feel all bitter, I mean better again. SMILE

Goodbye Grandpa

As I mentioned previously I decided to speak at my grandpa's funeral. The night before his service some ugly family stuff happened and I had cried a lot and not slept much the night before. I looked and felt like death warmed over and briefly considered not speaking. But, my grandfather meant the world to me, so I decided to speak. Part of what I spoke about I'd previously written in my blog about him. So tears in my swollen and puffy eyes, my hands shaking, my eyes averted from him coffin, and Cole's hand in mine, I walked to the podium. Here is what I said:

"As grandpa's favorite grand-daughter, a fact that I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I'm the only one, I like to say a few words about my grandpa. He was always very special to me. In fact I named my son after him he meant so much. He was a remarkable man. He came from a poor family that was filled with alcoholism and abuse. He even spent several years in an orphanage. He didn't let his sad upbringing hinder him or define who he was. He was a very hard worker, intelligent, and quick witted. He was unfailingly kind and always the perfect gentleman. He was amazingly artistic and always humble about his abilities. He could draw, paint and carve amazing things. Most of my most cherished memories involve sitting around watching him carve. His calloused hands would move gracefully around the block of wood and the curled wood chips would fly and out would come some amazing character or animal. The harshest words we ever heard him utter were "Robertson you turd" and "Well, Kiss old Rose." We would always ask, "Grandpa who is old Rose?" So Grandpa give old Rose one last kiss for us."

So while my brother and cousins were given wedding rings and trinkets to remember my grandpa, I will remember him my way. I'm proud to have spoken about him in front of his cherished friends and family and he will always be in my heart and I will think of him every day as I look at Cole Robert.

Back in town

We are back from Phoenix. Being with your entire family especially under tense circumstances is especially stressful. Suffice to say there was plenty of family drama and some very painful moments. Cole did well at the funeral. My grandpa’s casket was open both during the viewing and for the funeral. My uncle (my mom’s brother) didn’t want to attend the viewing so he stayed home with his two kids and Cole, but everyone attended the funeral. Cole wanted to go up close to see my grandpa, but I told him that he didn’t look like the great-Papa he remembered, so he chose not to. He did go up and look at his pictures and his carvings. I spoke at my grandpa’s service and he bravely held my hand to go up with me in front of all those people. He was a little afraid to go to the cemetery but it was broad daylight and there were no gravestones, just grave plaques. He was wondered around asking me to read the names to him. He found one with the last name “COLE” and wanted to know why one had his name!

Cole had such a good time with his cousins; I was jokingly saying I was going to have to buy him a brother because they kept him occupied for hours. We did have time to see my dad’s side of the family. The youngest of my Aunt’s kids is a freshman in high school and very sweet to Cole. Cole loved him. He is on the football team and we went out one night to watch his practice. Cole kept giving him “high fives” and hugs. In between family obligations we had plenty of time to swim daily which was nice because the average temperature was 115.

The last day we went to the Phoenix Zoo with my mom to escape and get some alone time. We had only been there for about 45 minutes when there was a “CODE RED LOCKDOWN”. We were hustled into a ticket booth for almost two hours. It seems two Mexican Wolves had breeched their enclosure and had to be recaptured, so much for a drama free day.

The biggest surprise of the entire weekend was my mom’s boss and her husband flying in to provide support for my mom. My mom has known her for 20 years. I was standing outside the funeral home and was waving at someone in a car driving by who was waving at me when all of a sudden I realized it was my mom’s boss. It was so surreal. I know my mom really needed and appreciated that unexpected show of support.
I’m glad to be back home. I hope to enjoy the next week before fall semester starts and Cole starts Kindergarten, GULP!

From Arizona

My grandfather passed away yesterday morning. At least he is no longer suffering. I'm sad but also relieved. My dad, my brother and Cole and I flew into Phoenix today. It was so strange being at my grandparents house without him there. No one would sit in his chair. It just sat there empty while we all sat in our usual spots. Tomorrow we are seeing some of our family. Both my parents are from Phoenix so we have some visiting and catching up to do, sad that it has to be under these conditions.

My grandpa's viewing is on Sunday and the funeral is on Monday. We will be heading back home on Wednesday. Cole is still blissfully unaware of the sadness and is mostly just looking forward to seeing his cousins.

Euthanasia

My thoughts have been filled this week with the mental images of my dying grandfather. My mom says he writhes in pain and the morphine doesn't always help. He is emaciated and not able to make intelligible words.

I can't help but think how unfair it is that we can help end an animal's suffering but we can extend the same courtesy to our loved ones (at least not legally). Killers on death row are given a more peaceful end to their lives than our elderly and sick loved ones. Almost every day our kind doctors and staff help clients make educated decisions about euthanasia and quality of life. We allow owners to be there for their pet up until the very end. They pass away in moments, just slowly going to sleep. The decision is agonizing for owners but one of the most loving decisions the owner will ever make.

My grandfather is unable to swallow and was put into hospice on Saturday. He is slowly and painfully dying of starvation and dehydration. It was the right decision to not place a permanent feeding tube. Both times they placed a nasal feeding tube he struggled, was in pain and he ripped it out. However, the decision doesn't make the death any easier. My greatest wish for all the people I love in my love is a quick and painless death. I'm in awe of the courage and patience my mom has shown the last few weeks, especially with dealing with my Grandma (I'm not even going to touch that subject). My uncle flew in today for a few hours to say goodbye. At least I'm comforted somewhat by the thought that when I see him again he will finally be at peace.

KA-UNT-TREE

This weekend Leah, Cole, and I went to a rodeo in Bastrop, Texas. You drive 30 minutes outside of Austin and suddenly you are surrounded by country folk. Picture what you think a redneck looks like and we saw fifty of them. Leah was afraid if we stayed any longer she was going to get pregnant, because every where you looked there was a pregnant woman. All kidding aside we had a good time. A co-worker lives in Bastrop and we met her there. We even got to use the "back gate" which is where the rodeo contestants? athletes? cowboys??? enter. She knew half the people at the rodeo and we got to hear about all their goings-on....note to self don't live in a small town.

We watched the rodeo and then headed over to the carnival. Cole rode the rides while Leah and I just people watched. Then we headed over to the dance. Cole and I danced several songs and then Cole took to the dance floor alone. He did splits, played the electric guitar (apparently guitar strings are around your collar bone), and did some break dancing. Then the real fun started. The band took a break and they started playing some hip-hop music. The teenaged country folk came streaming out of the woodwork. They were a bumpin' and a grindin' and dry humping on the dance floor. It seems the grinding move is VERY popular and I'm impressed with how well they can move in those tight starched jeans. Leah and I watched in amazement. We felt OLD, OLD, OLD and kinda dirty for watching! We know we never did that type of dancing when we were that age (wink, wink). After a few bump/grind songs we decided we had better get our old' selves home it was after 11:00 PM after all ;-) Cole instantly fell asleep on the way home as we drove back to "civilization" :-)

Pleasantly surprised

We are two nights into my dad picking up and watching Cole and things are going surprisingly well. They have both been in great moods when I've gotten home. Last night my dad even took Cole to dinner at a restaurant ALONE!!!! He has even given him a bath both nights, which is one more baths than his dad ever gave him and probably two more than my dad ever gave my brother or I :-) Tonight when I called they were playing Transformers and having a good time. I hope the rest of the week goes as well.

My grandfather is off the ventilator and awake but still not talking. They have also found a mass on his lungs which they are 99% sure is cancer, but are waiting for the pathology results. They seemed to have caught the sepsis early enough the antibiotics are helping. Even though my mom had prepared for the shock of seeing him it was still awful. They are talking about once he is stabilized they will send him to a nursing home. My mom and grandma are going to check out a couple tomorrow. The nurse told my mom today that it is unlikely he will ever leave the nursing home. At least my mom is there to help my grandma face reality and make some much needed decisions.